Mood: hug me
Now Playing: Day 2838-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
Thursday.
A day of rest...time to reflect.
Eric's Thursday...time to reflect on a moment of weakness.
We all have those moments from time to time.
Early this morning, I had my own moment of weakness. Far too much pain, nausea and vomiting had me literally throwing in the towel. Even as far as canceling the appointments scheduled for today and tomorrow with my specialists/surgeons. My moments of weakness are very different from Eric's. When this gal has had enough...I throw it all in and not just the towel. Who could really blame me after everything I've through in over the past 15 months. Those 15 months have been, by far, the most grueling and beyond challenging for me. Physically and emotionally.
5am was my moment of weakness. By 8am, I had already threw in the towel and canceled all of my appointments with my specialists. My feeling was pretty simple at that moment of weakness. "Why bother." I was already told by oncology that there is nothing further they can do after treatments failed time and time again. I have also been told the exact same thing many times over by many other doctors, specialists, surgeons and even the big mayo clinics. All within the past 15 months.
So really...why bother?
By the time I was finally able to get some sleep. I was also able to allow my brain some time to rest and rethink throwing in the towel. A few messages also crossed my path while I was asleep which quickly helped to change my mind. The first two messages were from my very own specialists and another via phone from a very concerned nurse at my other specialists office. One would honestly believe that by now, I have literally used the last of my nine lives via given to me by my fur children. I have become this incredibly lucky individual who has continued defying the odds over and over and over again. Just when I think life is truly over...TADAAAA! I am back up, fighting again and again and again and again! The reality of this...there is going to be a time when I can no longer be this incredibly lucky individual. A woman who was blessed by her feline children, far too many nine lives ago. Eventually, things will catch up with me. This I know.
God places those in our lives for a reason. Sometimes....the reason is due to a moment of weakness. I believe those who reached out to me today did so because they sensed that I was throwing in the towel. And you know what? They were right. What they don't realize is that a moment of weakness. Turned into a moment of strength as their sincerity allowed for me to see the light and bravely dust myself off, again. My fighting spirit was awakened by their sheer act of compassion, kindness and overwhelming sincerity. Tomorrow...I will have my answers when it comes to the next chapter with my health. And I am ready.
This evening while myself and Eric were discussing some important decisions that need to be made so I can continue living the rest of my life as peacefully as possible. I looked up at the television screen and clock on the DVR as those from heaven continue sending their own messages of love and support. My guardian angels from above~
theshando: I had started chemo. Was using a cold cap in hope to not lose my hair. End result was clumps in my hands. I was sick, felt like I was losing myself. Gained people and lost people. Got weak and got strong. Felt ugly and yet more beautiful inside than I had ever felt before. I remember this like it was yesterday, like it was a minute ago. Cancer has so many phases. Shock, denial, acceptance, anger, resentment, rebellion, fear, appreciation, beauty. Remission. Even then, the phases keep coming. Cancer is with you forever. Those who have experienced it know that even after you've kicked it's ass. It still impacts you, in good ways and bad. You still go through go thru the roller coaster of emotions. You still need support and love. And you can still grasp life and live, live, live.