Mood: not sure
Now Playing: Day 2835-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
This is what makes me smile.
A few visitors, or two, or three, or four, or even five greeting us this morning. Thankfully they all showed up for breakfast before the phone calls began...again.
The only reason I say...again...is because myself and Eric personally feel as if we literally came full circle. How I felt before oncology treatments. Before the big medical mystery was solved 15 months ago.
Now...not only have I come full circle. But so has the race to save my life. Yep, we began that race, once again, early this morning. The first specialist here in Indiana whom was contacted by the hospital to review recent radiology reports and other labs. Their decision this morning was rather disappointing. I now overwhelmingly feel the death sentence standing before me. I am not so sure that there is really any clear answer or exit strategy this time around for me. Another specialist whom felt things were far too advanced to handle such an extremely complex case. Sure, it was very disappointing. But I have to admit...we weren't too terribly surprised. It's still very disheartening to be faced with the inevitable after such a long, brave battle.
This mornings first specialist declining to take on my medical case led to once again, a very overwhelmed team of specialists back in Ohio. My first of many appointments was quickly scheduled for this week. With two other specialists still scrambling to retain all of the hospital records, reports and other pertinent information. Nothing like coming face-to-face with fear. A real fear that this might be the beginning to the end with my health. My life. I have learned with amazing counseling and life coaching over the years that coming to grips with reality is very important. Realizing your deepest, darkest fears is also a must. Being able to speak your mind through your emotions is a god given right. So is having the ability to not be ashamed to admit that sometimes...you will be defeated by something far bigger than what can be handled here on earth.
I know that my guardian angels in heaven are very close to me now. As a beautiful angel wind chime that hangs down from the cloud room, bedroom ceiling fan made the most beautiful chiming sound this evening. No one was around, but I felt the presence of who I believe is still here with me. Watching over me from heaven. I still have yet to shake this new feeling of being very sick. We also have yet to find some sort of narcotic to help control the pain. So I bravely do so without pain medication assistance. I am fortunate that my pain tolerance is anything but normal. But pain like I experienced today, sure doesn't make it any easier. Especially when all I want to do...is try to relax, take it easy and sleep.
Tomorrow is a new day. Two other specialists will hopefully be able to give more insight on what can be done. If anything at this stage. I dare not dance with the word...hope. Expecting the worst, but possibly being surprised with something a bit more positive. We will take anything right now. Even a mercy surgery. I refuse to suffer in this kind of manner. So something has to give.