Mood:
d'ohNow Playing: Day 2837-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
As I sit here and type...trying to make some sort of sense out of a very disappointing day...I am still reminded of all the goals that I have set for myself.
Recent medical news has continued to be virtually impossible to swallow. Myself and Eric have yet to come to terms with anything. Yet, I am not sure if I will ever come to terms. I never did from the get-go. When this entire mess started to quickly surface, close to 2 years ago.What we continue to agree on...are the facts regarding cat scan imaging that failed us. Twice. I remember both surgeons telling me during my last surgery that cat scan imaging did not show anything that was going on internally. A meticulously thought out surgery that went anything, but as planned. Instead, it turned into a complete nightmare. That surgery still haunts my medical records. The surgical reports are downright...damning. It's no wonder that today marked the second specialist/surgeon, in less than 2 days, who responded with what we highly, yet, unfortunately anticipated to hear. Medically, I have come to a point where my case is far too advanced for their expertise. They as well, feel that nothing further can be done. Honestly, I have maxed out most, if not all of my medical avenues. If I could perform my own mercy surgery...this gal would not be typing. But realistically, that is impossible. Not in this day and age...anyways.
With only one more of my specialists lined up to see me later this week. I literally feel my most vulnerable yet. My life, my future, my everything lies in their hands. And THAT is the most damning reality of all. A very disheartening reality. But so is another day dealing with the same constant pain, nausea and more weight loss. The lack of energy is the most upsetting. My biggest mistake today was getting on the scale. All I did was set myself up for one more huge let down. Hospital physicians did mention of placing me back on Marinol. The little magical pill that consists of one active ingredient. The most potent active ingredient found in marijuana, but in pill form. Liquid pill form with a PUNCH! My body got used to the little magical pill when I was taking it for the last time earlier this year. My specialists then made the decision to slowly wean me off the medication. The biggest benefit I received from Marinol was helping to completely eliminate nausea and vomiting. That meant the ability to actually gain weight. For me...5mg, twice a day, did the trick! Now since I am quickly losing weight due to the inability to consume anything without excruciating pain, nausea and vomiting. Giving the ole Marinol another try might not be such a bad idea. Hmmmm....
While waiting for the other shoe to drop later this week. One last specialist that has reviewed all of my most recent radiology imaging and reports. I still have a temporary work permit staring at me. I also have a taping for a major television production still on hold due to recent medical findings. Yet, something else, placed on hold. For how long...who knows. Disappointment can literally eat one alive, if you let it. This I know! For now...I am taking mandatory steps on learning how not to be so hard on myself. It's something that honestly should had been started a very long time ago. I have such high expectations for myself. Bars set far too high for what I can do physically. Call me the biggest Alpha Gal you will ever run across in your entire life! Yep, that's me.
Sometimes...it's not such a good trait to possess.
What is good to possess is that deep FIRE that remains within! That fire inside allowed for me to almost flip our entire house. What is left, isn't much. Just a few repairs with the ceiling and a few outdoor odds and ends. We literally took all of the hidden lemon gems that we came across over the past year and turned them into sweet, SWEET LEMONADE! Even...while being sick. Even...while recovering from every single, last oncology treatment. Even...while taking on more of you-know-what...stress. That folks IS something that I am most definitely proud of! I am proud of myself. I am proud of Eric. I am exceptionally proud to have overcome the odds for many years while doing so...together.
Turning Lemons Into SWEET lemonade~
chillin'
What I am happy about is finding something that I can tolerate that doesn't make matters worse for me. Instead of fudge pops that didn't work the first or second try, even with two totally different brands. Eric found some fudge pops at the store today that are actually ice pops that taste like fudge pops. With a 6-pound weight loss in less than a week due to the inability to hardly consume anything without it causing unbearable pain or vomiting. It was the first silver lining we have found when it comes to something for me to consume. Just like with gastroparesis...right now everything is trial & error. 
Fear is still running rampid in my mind. But there are moments through out the day, when we both still find a reason to laugh. A reason to smile. Another successful raindance chalked up for Eric! How does he ever predict these things? The precision is just mind-blowing! Heeheeheehee! Some silly folks...they still believe in his raindancing. Who really has Sioux Indian in their blood after all...me or him? Hmmmmm....
not sure
game begins.
The final radiology reports came back this morning. This after needing to be carefully read and reviewed by two other radiologists due to two separate cat scans failing to show a slue of problems. One big nightmare of a mess. 
The toughest pill to swallow is the inability to take morphine due to causing even further GI issues. It worked really well in the hospital via IV. But then once I got home, three days later...my entire GI tract locked up on me. Now it's back to 24-hour pain and overwhelming discomfort until my team of specialists can figure out who needs to address which part of the damning radiology reports. The far bigger pill we might have to swallow...IF there is anything left that can be done. Instead of things just staying within the ovary after a failed attempt at a very high, maximum dose of radiation therapy. Everything has now quickly spread like wildfire, out of nowhere. I still am lost for words, yet thankful to have some sort of voice here on this blog. The only place where I will talk about the huge elephant in the room with regards to my health. Elephants'...plural now.
It's all really a HUGE, GINOROUS, damning of a shame. 
hug me
Yesterday morning...7:30am. The phone calls began. I already knew deep down in my heart that the news wasn't going to be good. Myself and Eric already knew due to symptoms that are continuing to only get worse. The pain was off the charts yesterday morning into the early evening hours. I hardly got any sleep. That makes two of us. There was no need for me to pick up the phone. It can wait until we head up to the hospital later that morning. Facing the music of what lies ahead.
It has been almost 5 months since my last rescan. After myself and my specialists had come to a decision to discontinue rescanning what had already shown signs of growing back. Unfortunately, over the past month, new symptoms had to urgently be addressed. Yet, the inability to manage new symptoms had my specialists scrambling to once again, rescan. Two cat scans using the same imaging equipment failed to show serious issues that had escalated over the past 5 months.
bright
cheeky
BOO!!
Everything and I mean...EVERYTHING is always bigger in the country! Ask Eric, he will tell you that everything also tastes a million times better in the country when it comes to food! It might be due to 'less is more,' when it comes to a large city population vs. a far less populated area in the country. Less crowds, less supply and demand means fresh food! It might also mean weight gain...but it's fall folks! Nothing wrong with making sure you have a little extra warmth for the upcoming winter months! We are quite the opposite though when it comes to our weight. We struggle with keeping the pounds on through out the entire year. Eric...mainly due to a very high metabolism. Myself...the need to stay on liquids. What my body can handle and has proven over the years to do best with when it comes to gastroparesis. If I didn't have to worry about what I can eat...this would be the most ideal little, lazy, river town to eat to my hearts content! Restaurants, fast food, festivals and far too much access to all sorts of tasty goods~OH MY! 
YIKESSSSS!!
a-ok
I have learned more than the cyber world can allow to write as far as this blog. I have lived, learned, grown and matured by the struggles we have endured. I have learned to even embrace what can never be defied. If I had a choice. I would much rather choose breast cancer over ovarian cancer any day of the week. Needless to say...I wouldn't expect anyone to understand. Unless you took a walk in my shoes. Our shoes. It hasn't been any easier on Eric through out this rollercoaster ride of a journey. 
This is where always remaining pessimistic most definitely comes into play! It's one thing to anticipate ongoing issues with my health. But to have it happen during all times...this week. Was most definitely not expected. It's a good thing we were handed the news while I was still tanked from the good stuff filtering through my veins. Bah!
celebratory
What a magnificently most B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L day to begin this years huge Gastroparesis Awareness event! Beautiful partly cloudy skies, perfect fall temperatures and even a gentle breeze in the air...PERFECT! PERFECTO! It doesn't get any better than this folks when it comes to the start of our month-long Gastroparesis Awareness event!
The final shirt orders have been filled and successfully on their way to those who will be walking, running and riding for Gastroparesis Awareness. Talking about PERFECT timing! YAYYYY! From a small idea that began over 8 years ago. To now a HUGE annual event! 