Now Playing: Day 2837-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
As I sit here and type...trying to make some sort of sense out of a very disappointing day...I am still reminded of all the goals that I have set for myself.
Recent medical news has continued to be virtually impossible to swallow. Myself and Eric have yet to come to terms with anything. Yet, I am not sure if I will ever come to terms. I never did from the get-go. When this entire mess started to quickly surface, close to 2 years ago.What we continue to agree on...are the facts regarding cat scan imaging that failed us. Twice. I remember both surgeons telling me during my last surgery that cat scan imaging did not show anything that was going on internally. A meticulously thought out surgery that went anything, but as planned. Instead, it turned into a complete nightmare. That surgery still haunts my medical records. The surgical reports are downright...damning. It's no wonder that today marked the second specialist/surgeon, in less than 2 days, who responded with what we highly, yet, unfortunately anticipated to hear. Medically, I have come to a point where my case is far too advanced for their expertise. They as well, feel that nothing further can be done. Honestly, I have maxed out most, if not all of my medical avenues. If I could perform my own mercy surgery...this gal would not be typing. But realistically, that is impossible. Not in this day and age...anyways.
With only one more of my specialists lined up to see me later this week. I literally feel my most vulnerable yet. My life, my future, my everything lies in their hands. And THAT is the most damning reality of all. A very disheartening reality. But so is another day dealing with the same constant pain, nausea and more weight loss. The lack of energy is the most upsetting. My biggest mistake today was getting on the scale. All I did was set myself up for one more huge let down. Hospital physicians did mention of placing me back on Marinol. The little magical pill that consists of one active ingredient. The most potent active ingredient found in marijuana, but in pill form. Liquid pill form with a PUNCH! My body got used to the little magical pill when I was taking it for the last time earlier this year. My specialists then made the decision to slowly wean me off the medication. The biggest benefit I received from Marinol was helping to completely eliminate nausea and vomiting. That meant the ability to actually gain weight. For me...5mg, twice a day, did the trick! Now since I am quickly losing weight due to the inability to consume anything without excruciating pain, nausea and vomiting. Giving the ole Marinol another try might not be such a bad idea. Hmmmm....
While waiting for the other shoe to drop later this week. One last specialist that has reviewed all of my most recent radiology imaging and reports. I still have a temporary work permit staring at me. I also have a taping for a major television production still on hold due to recent medical findings. Yet, something else, placed on hold. For how long...who knows. Disappointment can literally eat one alive, if you let it. This I know! For now...I am taking mandatory steps on learning how not to be so hard on myself. It's something that honestly should had been started a very long time ago. I have such high expectations for myself. Bars set far too high for what I can do physically. Call me the biggest Alpha Gal you will ever run across in your entire life! Yep, that's me.
Sometimes...it's not such a good trait to possess.
What is good to possess is that deep FIRE that remains within! That fire inside allowed for me to almost flip our entire house. What is left, isn't much. Just a few repairs with the ceiling and a few outdoor odds and ends. We literally took all of the hidden lemon gems that we came across over the past year and turned them into sweet, SWEET LEMONADE! Even...while being sick. Even...while recovering from every single, last oncology treatment. Even...while taking on more of you-know-what...stress. That folks IS something that I am most definitely proud of! I am proud of myself. I am proud of Eric. I am exceptionally proud to have overcome the odds for many years while doing so...together.
Turning Lemons Into SWEET lemonade~