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The Road Before & After Surgery
June 22, 2017
Feeling Special~Feeling...LOVED~
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Day 2726-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Dreams~Reality

I have been having some pretty vivid dreams lately. 

You know...The dreams where you wake up to not being certain if you are still dreaming or what you are witnessing is really reality.

My dream ended with someone or something in this huge light that had no left, right, up, down or ending in sight. The strange part of it all was that I could not figure out who it was or what it was?. All I know is that it was pure peace. No other words to describe. But...Pure peace.

To me, this could only mean one thing.

My entire day was filled with some of the most rare, once in a lifetime, moments of peace. If Heaven could come visit here on earth. Then clearly today I received the most precious visits and signs from Heaven of all. I have never felt so blessed nor at such peace.

It all started with waking up. Instead of doing the usual routine. For some reason I felt drawn to peer open the curtains to look outside. The huge living room window which is right above my head where I sleep on my couchbed. The same couchbed that I have slept on for several years. What was awaiting for me seemed more like something from a very beautiful dream. But this wasn't a dream. This was real. A very real, spiritually blessed day. I believe a day with signs from Heaven that brought with them some of the most amazing once-in-a-lifetime pictures caught on my cell phone.

Today...Is a day that I will always remember.

I personally have never seen a white dove. I have heard of folks who hire those whom have white doves to release at weddings and funerals. I have never yet to actually wake up ever in my lifetime to see such a beautiful white dove sitting outside my window. Then gracefully stand up and turn it's head to look at me. As if to say, "Hello, I am so glad to finally meet." A messenger from Heaven? They say white doves are most definitely a sign from Heaven. A messenger from God. Do you believe? I do. This was a first and most likely the last time this will ever happen in my lifetime. There are many theories, spiritual theories about those who experience a visit from the messenger white dove sent from Heaven. A mesmerizingly beautiful sign of peace and love.

Blessed? BLESSED!

Thankfully, I was able to not only capture a few pictures of the beautiful white dove, just peacefully sitting then standing up to watch me from the window. But I also was able to take a short video of the white dove stretching it's wings while watching me. It was almost, as if, the world stood still. If only for a moment. I felt nothing, but pure peace. But mostly, love.

The day went on to bring it quite a few once-in-a-lifetime moments. Signs I believe from Heaven. We received the beautiful angel urn later this afternoon that I have yet to open the box. Sunday. The day that I have always felt to be holy. A day to celebrate life and just take it easy. That will be the day next week when I will open the box. I am thankful to have the opportunity to make decisions for myself. Eric said he generally has in mind what my final wishes would be if I didn't have everything already in writing. But when it comes to choosing an urn. I knew the right one when I first saw it. A most beautiful serene angel urn. Appropriately named, "Serene Angel." Right on the outside of the box.

This evening as I was walking into the kitchen. I felt a warmness over my shoulder. As I looked towards it's direction, the box that contains my angel urn appeared to had taken on a life of it's very own. A most beautiful ray of sunshine reflected perfectly onto the outside of the box. Almost as if in the form of an angel.. Across the words, "Serene Angel."

Do you believe in messages? Do you believe in messages from our loved ones? Do you believe in messages from Heaven of peace and love? 

 Believe.

Forever. Blessed.


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 23, 2017 3:57 AM EDT
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June 21, 2017
Let's Cut To The Chase...
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Day 2725-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Let's cut to the chase!

With the help of some paint!

Here comes the healing process...Let the HEALING BEGIN!

First off I would like to say, any blog reader or anyone reading this shared link whom finds themselves with any family member, whether alone, a flipping sibling, suing you for any opinion or fact based off of facts or for out-of-spite. The most ridiculous reason of all. I don't care if it's one dollar or $20,000. If you ever, ever get sued by any family member, ever in your lifetime, especially a sibling. Heed some simple advice for you...

Turn around and counter sue the hell out of em!!

Don't go for a few dollars. OH NO! Find out how much their net is worth. If they own a business or two or three or four or five. Sue them for every single cent they own and do so representing yourself. You don't need an attorney. It's called, "Pro Se."

Sound advice. Countersued for a few million. Millions of dollars that could be of great use for those who are homeless or acquire assistance with medical needs. I wish I wasn't so sick and had to wrap my brain around upcoming oncology treatments due to a medical mystery that ended up spiraling out of control. If I could pull the best Cher and "Turn back time," one would had countersued for millions. At the present moment, I double dog dare anyone to try to sue me. Remember, my fate is now in God's hands. I have nothing to lose. But I now have every bit of self respect to gain. AMEN.

Do you think this painting would go best with palm green, cool beige or sand crème?

As Mom said and said it best time and time again... Some people just don't do well when they come into money. It changes some people and it's not always for the best. For two nieces whom had the living edacity to tell people, including family, friends, employees, clients and even strangers...That I am not sick. I have a mental problem. Crazy Aunt is more like what I have saved to my computer document files from those who flagged me that you so nastily told. Those who flagged me were concerned. Some whom even shared a cancer story with a loved one whom bravely fought, lost or are still fighting the great fight. For the parents whom said it's, "OK" to talk about people in a group setting or family or friend setting. Talk poorly about your own child, or family member without their knowledge, behind their back to a cousin, friend or even a sibling. Heck...How about to their own treating physicians?!. Mind you.. At the same breath believes that it is, "OK" to talk behind someone's back yet, it is not ok to type the feelings of those who end up on that receiving end of the gossip. If my stepson ever in his life called an Aunt or Uncle crazy or made up some ridiculous lies telling everyone they weren't sick, they didn't go through radiation or other oncology treatments. And if myself or Eric ever found out... As a parent and step-parent, all hell would break loose! I don't care what the age, when you are an adult child, niece or nephew, and you throw such blatantly disrespectful, hurtful words, lies and absolutely cold hearted, mean things about someone that isn't true. For crying out loud, YOUR OWN AUNT. You can bet that any good parent would rear their adult child right on in! Correcting the adult child and their hurtful words that can have dire consequences! Who in their right mind does such a thing to an Aunt?. One has kept their mouth shut far too long. Years. Not because one doesn't have self respect. Not because one didn't care nor didn't feel the need to stick up for oneself. Maybe because clearly one was too busy dealing with far more important things, far more important issues with life. Ones own health and not mental. Silly!

Mom said it time and time again, "You should call, text or go talk to them. I don't know why they are saying things to people. I have no idea. Maybe because you and their Mom don't talk." I don't care who you are. I don't care how old you are. You don't slander your own Aunt whom did nothing to deserve such slander. You do not uninvite your Aunt to baby showers, graduations, worse of all...Your own wedding?!? Who in their right frame of mind does such a thing? I know... We all know. Those with a mental problem. A real mental problem and good counseling can help. Who gets divorced and moves on with their life from a spouse who has a serious drug addiction problem. Per Psychologist(s), a functioning drug addict. They break into your families home for over a year, no one, not even the spouse (immediate family member) knows what they are doing or stealing. They take money from Grandparents own dresser drawers, help themselves to medication-medically necessary pain medication for pain from cancer right under their nose. In plan view, from the Grandmothers kitchen cabinet while pretending to get a glass of water. We all know the story. WE all heard the story. It came and still comes from those who got robbed, lied to, written prescriptions even stolen. Why? Because the ex-spouse, drug addict said you never used them, so they used them for you, without your knowledge. The spouse who has no knowledge of what was going on then has to go to Walgreens to figure out the truth, only to watch on video the addict taking stolen prescriptions and filing them without anyone's knowledge.

Blue! Most definitely a cool ocean blue for the back bedroom! LOVE IT!

What kind of sibling goes back to any ex-spouse who is a known drug addict, thief and puts their arms back out to the same person who said they would kill them or their kids if they ever came over their house. Who? Clearly a person with a mental problem would welcome that back into any family. Good counseling would help you see a bit more clearly! What parent in their right frame of mind doesn't put a foot or shoe, BIG-AS-TEXAS, square up any adult child who welcomes back a person who caused so much hurt to their family?. Almost even killing the Grandmother for taking medically necessary pain medication then the family cuts the Grandmother off from her own pain medication due to thinking the Grandmother has a drug problem?. Stealing her own medication. I would go to bat for anyone who ever, ever, EVER has an addict, robber, thief ever do such a thing. I would time and time again, to the ends of this earth, stick up for those who really are the ones who suffer and get hurt from the addict time and time and time and time again. But of course, you have those who have mental problems that literally stick up for those who have done wrong to family. Doing the unthinkable by welcoming the addict back with open arms. Why may one ask? Purely...Out of spite. A good counselor would help those to see this is a huge form of disrespect to the family member you are disrespecting. Why would any family member, whether alone a sibling contact any person whom clearly got served divorce papers for good reason?. Then welcome the past into the present. NO WAY JOSE would I ever, EVER contact an ex-spouses family. Even if I was close to one of their siblings whom said let them take whatever. You will never, ever change an addict. The past is the past. You leave it there, along with those who do the unthinkable. Hurting other family members. Mental issues are those who welcome such people back into any family. An ex, is just that, an ex. For good reason. Leave em there! AMEN.

Any adult child, niece or nephew who welcomes an ex-spouse who used to be an uncle whom stole from your own family, back into your life. Per quite a few and two super smart doctors, you could easily appear to be the one with a mental issue. Who does such a thing? Ask a counselor if your actions are OK. Who also abandons a family member who did nothing, but protect family from any addict whom could possibly hurt you in a drug rage and possibly, once again, rob you blind. In the process, would and could easily hurt you to get their fix. Their fix. It's called, addiction. The addict doesn't suffer. The people whom they stole and did the unthinkable hurt to are the ones who suffer. Who in their right frame of mind welcomes the problem back into their lives and in turn. Abandons their own family member who stuck up, put up and would even go head-to-head with the addict for you?. Take a really good, strong look in the mirror. That is who. That is YOU.

Coastal Country. Yes! That is our new house theme!

What kind of sibling slanders their own sibling to their new spouses ex? A spouse with a young child in which, you are teaching some really bad lessons. Telling an ex-spouse that your own sibling doesn't need to be around their child because they sleep all day? Hey, Miss Captain Obvious! It's called...Being sick. How naive to believe or even think that when you slander someone for years. That those whom you run to, gossip to and put down your own family member in front of even at holiday gatherings, social gatherings and even a wedding, won't run to the person whom you slander. Emails don't lie. Text messages don't lie. Saved voicemail messages don't lie. To Tammy, an individual whom claims to be holy. The bible has a lot of lessons. Gossiping poorly about others whom are sick is not one of them. Anyone that is actually in their right frame of mind would feel sorry for any addicts new love interest. The receiving end of time and time and time again, blatant disrespect from any ex-spouse whom still has yet to break ties with an ex-spouses family. How disrespectful is that to have to live with someone whom constantly still can not cut ties with the ex-spouse by still wanting to be part of their family. I can tell you what our opinions would be in that situation...Respect yourself the SpongeBob way! There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Leave the past, in the past. When you have hurt someone to the core. Cut them, slander them down to the very living core. YOU owe them one thing in your lifetime.

It's called, "An apology."

To anyone or any family that holds a fundraiser for someone's medical condition or a fundraiser for a friend or family members medical condition. To anyone who helps assist their child or adult children with medical bills, medical costs, medical assistance. If you are one of the above, reading this blog and find yourself throwing HELP back into the receiving loved ones face. Clearly that is a mental problem. You never, ever do a random act of kindness for family, friends or strangers, with any type of expectation. You do not, per God's guidelines, have the right to throw it back into the recipients face time and time and time again. Ask anyone named Tammy. They will tell you that straight from the bible, we are to give with our heart. Our whole hearts. Tammy would most likely also tell you that when you associate yourself with an atheist, you in turn will end up becoming just as evil as the person who doesn't believe there is a God. Those who don't believe in God.

To all the chiefs and not enough Indians. Let this be a lesson learned. One may be sick. But one will never be weak. With bad actions, there is always a lesson to be learned. How not to treat someone.

Till tomorrow...Be brave, be true, never allow bottled up emotions to get the best out of you. That goes for everyone. It doesn't mean to try attempting to conquer a million battles at a time, because the most important battle when it comes to your health. ALWAYS comes first!

Never, ever, EVER allow anyone, including any family member or friend to bully you, slander you nor make you appear to be someone whom you clearly are not. It's called sticking up for yourself and YOU my friends have that God given right! Even God says so! AMEN.

Paint lemons into lemonade. You will thank yourself later!

H.B.


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 23, 2017 7:10 AM EDT
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June 20, 2017
Lemons...LEMONADE!
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Day 2724-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

It's taken me quite a few days to slowly ease up the pain from routine testing.

My last scan.

I have been doing my best to somehow maneuver through the pain. But it hasn't come without the need of taking new medication. Pain medication. Morphine. The good stuff. I have only been taking it at night in order to help me get some sleep. Between the largest tumor growing larger, other tumors slowly becoming larger and the uncontrollable intestinal pain from everything wrapped around in one huge mess. I feel pretty darn good about how well I have tolerated everything so far. The pain.

We have been only utilizing FMLA time when desperately needed. One never knows when the next complication might arise, as well no one is for certain how fast the tumors will continue growing. That is the hard part...Not knowing. One can't predict. No one can predict. We can only go by the symptoms and the need to somehow control the pain. On top of everything. I have a lot of things in my past that I need to put in the past. Permanently. My therapist feels that it is very important that I finally allow myself to go through all the emotions of what had transpired over the past several years. Most importantly...Over the past five years. I have bottled up a lot. Then there were other issues that I never had time to really react. I was too busy trying to stay on top of my health. I had far too many more important things to worry about. Like keeping up with the good fight.

I have been trying to think of an activity that I enjoy. Besides watching all of the beautiful wildlife during the morning and evening hours from my couchbed window. Something to help me process what I have gone through over the past several years. Ironically, I used to not like painting. But with age...Comes change of what one used to not like. But now...Enjoy. Painting is relaxing to me. It's also an activity that doesn't require much physical strength and when you need to take a break. You can take a break. Pace yourself. I had just finished up painting the rental home back in Ohio less than a year ago. But that was a rental. We now own a home. Not rent. I decided that come tomorrow. I will start the project of painting our entire house. Yes, the entire house. We have so much paint that we never used and I heard that most of the HGTV-Sherwin Williams paint can last up to a year. All you have to do is take it back up to Lowe's and they will place it into their machine which mixes it back to the same fresh color. As if you just bought the paint. We have several cans of various colors of paint that we never used, among a few gift certificates to Lowe's that we were going to use last fall.

My therapist suggested I start a new project. Looks like painting it will be! An entire house that has suffered a lot of damage over the years. But hopefully now I can finish turning the many lemons we have found into something new and fresh!

Lemonade!


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 23, 2017 4:51 AM EDT
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June 19, 2017
An Uncomfortable Reality.
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Day 2723-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

I don't think there is a right blog mood for today. I am not sure anyone could really place a perspective mood when making funeral arrangements.

Chillin'

I guess?.

So... We had held off on final arrangements at the funeral home back in Ohio before moving to Indiana. Silly me assumed that since we found a Professor who figured out my great medical mystery, along with a team of oncologists. I wouldn't be needing to finalize my last wishes. AKA, funeral arrangements.

Maybe not so much funeral arrangements. More so called, private crematory service.

My final wishes placed in a Will have been in place for the past year. Only a few minor changes were made and notarized. What I haven't changed is the decision to not have a typical funeral visitation and service. For those who are fortunate enough, regardless what medical struggles or age, to pre-plan their own service. Put in writing all of their final wishes. Nothing is as hard and awkward as visiting your choice of funeral home to go over your own funeral arrangements. In my case... Crematory service plans.

Sure, this might be a very different kind of blog. But this is life. We are all guaranteed one thing in life. That is death. It is inevitable.

Eric was just as every bit nervous with high strung anxiety today, as he was a year ago. It's a good thing that I know exactly what I want, because if I left it up to Eric. He wouldn't had remembered a thing. HA! Looking over to see him barely flipping over the pages of various caskets was quite a sight. Asking him to go with me to look at the various caskets in the funeral planning room, along with seeing what involves private crematory services was no better. If Eric was a mist, he would had already quickly disappeared under the first door within sight! Heeheeheeheehee! I had to make a few funnies during the awkward, but necessary visit to the funeral home. In hopes of keeping Eric from losing it. Death doesn't scare me. Suffering as I have seen those that I love suffer up to their final breath. That scares me.

For me, finding out about private crematory services, along with the different types of caskets was fascinating. I didn't realize all of the different types of wooden caskets. Something simple, but pure. A wooden casket to me, is appropriate. Being buried under ground, to me, is frightening. The last thing we needed to plan, was private crematory service pre-planning. I want to make sure that my wishes are finalized and that Eric does not have to go through the stress of making decisions for me. I think the best thing we can all do for our partners or loved ones is to have our final wishes in writing. Not waiting until that decision has to be painstakingly made for you.

Somehow, over the decades. The way I view funerals has changed. Maybe by putting myself outside of the situation. Possibly by seeing things that I personally did not agree with nor feel as a necessity. I have been around those who have been sick. I have been there for those final weeks, days, hour, minute and even second. I have come to realize that human life needs human lives to be with them while they are alive. Having those attending visitations and funerals, some not even knowing the person, while others who were family members, even close friends that never bothered being there when the deceased needed them the most. Those who cry when they should be more upset with themselves. Five minutes out of your life to be with someone who is ill. Yet, the same five minutes found by those who will then take the time to attend the funeral visitation or service. We are to respect the dead. To me, that isn't respect. It's more like a show.

This is my personal opinion. This is also why I have chosen a closed, private crematory service. I also do not believe in burial. I do not want to be buried underground. I would rather be with my spouse and fur children in a beautiful urn at home. Not a place where I am buried and hardly visited. My heart goes out to those who should always be respected. Family members, friends and even strangers that have been buried for years. Yet, somehow their grave marker goes missing among overgrown grass and weeds. The forgotten. Thousands of dollars are spent for a typical funeral service. Flowers delivered to funeral homes that either are placed at the burial site or thrown away by funeral homes. Mind you, most cemeteries will throw a good majority of those flowers into their dumpsters. Sad facts, but they are true. I have been to my fair share of funerals. I have seen as well my fair share of those who fail to respect the person whom they came to pay their final respects. Those who sit on their cell phones or gossip about the person across the room whom happened to be paying their last respects.

When people are sick, they want to be surrounded by those who have loved them through out their lifetime, unconditionally. Not surrounded by hostility or spoken down about while they are with hospice. Trying to die with dignity and respect that they upmost deserve. I have seen it all and that all is why I have made my decision to have a closed, private crematory service.

One in attendance. Eric.

I not only refuse to suffer to the very end like those whom I have loved more than most will ever know. I also refuse to not have the power by choice to die with upmost respect, dignity and most importantly... Peacefully.

Integrity. It means having the ability to be honest with yourself in how you are treated. It means having the respect for yourself to demand respect.

 In the now and the after.

 


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 20, 2017 8:01 AM EDT
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June 18, 2017
Father's Day
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Day 2722-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Father's Day

We were suppose to meet Dr. T out for dinner this evening. But after the past few weeks we felt it would be best to reschedule for later next week. I am still grieving the loss of Littleblue which would make it literally impossible to discuss at the dinner table without me breaking down. More like...Us.

The final scan has also taken us quite a bit back spiritually. I think we all get upset with God from time to time. I believe that it is only natural when life seems so unfair. I assume all the blessed grotto water in the world can't cure it all. Only the few get blessed. The worst part for us is being told and read the wrong report at the hospital last month. My doctors and oncologists notified the hospital after my final scan Friday. I am not sure what transpired, but I was told that all complications should be handled by only my current team of specialists. They made it very clear that one else should be handling my case. We are disappointed in being told the wrong information. The wrong report which made it seem like everything had disappeared since my last experimental oncology treatment. But in all reality...We both should had known better. Especially...Me.

During my last surgery they used prior scans placed on huge screens inside the surgical room. A meticulously, well thought out master surgical plan was put into place, far ahead of my surgery. But what my surgeons were not anticipating, was the reality of medical imaging not being accurate. During my first post-surgical recovery we were told not only did the surgery not go as planned. But a great lesson was learned for all in which even the best medical testing equipment is not error-proof. It took 5 years for a single microscopic ovarian cell to do the unthinkable, then turn into the most shocking of all. Ovarian cancer. One single microscopic ovarian cell defied the odds, growing back as well into a fully functioning ovary with deadly intentions. It's still scary as hell to realize that even the maximum dose of radiation therapy could not blast, burn and literally disintegrate it's targeted area. Somehow, I got defeated. Somehow, we all got defeated and that within itself is heartbreaking for not just for myself. But for everyone involved in my care over the past few years. The very first scan, two years ago, during an emergency room visit that accidently discovered a very odd and quite large mass.

The rest...I wish was history. But I am still in the present.

We decided to make Sunday each and every week a time to celebrate. Celebrating life with dinner for two on our newly decorated coastal theme porch. Bright, happy colors and the most perfect smiling sunshine. Even if today was designated as Father's Day. To me...Eric has been every bit an amazing, devoted, compassionate, loving fur Father to all of our fur children. Today we decided to replace our sadness with a few smiles. Cheering to life and a DAMN GOOD FIGHT! AMEN!!

Today there were no wigs, no hair extensions, no makeup. Just me. Just us. Sometimes I think being who you truly are, in the now, is what makes one hold the most power. It's rare to post the real me. Me now. What comes after far too many toxic oncology treatments that take the physical appearance right out of you. Treatments that not only make you lose a tremendous amount of weight. But as well make you feel as less of a woman. Sometimes as patients. We need to embrace what is and be proud of the fight we have so bravely endured.

Today... A reason to celebrate life.

You can tell me on the phone that your too busy to talk or just to listen. You can tell me how bad of a person I am when screaming leads to just wanting to be heard from all the hurt. You can tell me on the phone that you can easily find another daughter. But you will never find a daughter as brave and strong as...Me.

LIVE-LOVELIFE


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 20, 2017 8:07 AM EDT
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June 17, 2017
Not Sure.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Day 2721-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Have the past two weeks only been...But a mere nightmare?

One could only wish.

Thank goodness for a new prescription to help me sleep! My mind was going a mile a minute last night into the early morning hours. Replaying everything in my mind that has transpired over the past few years. Medically, I have been defeated. Not an easy thing to accept. Having to go through various testing and being put in extremely uncomfortable positions being poked and pried has once again only aggravated the internal war within. Tumors? PISSED. Pain? OFF THE CHARTS!

Today was a day to recover. A designated day of some serious rest.

While Eric took on the many tasks we now have before us for over the next 3-4 months with the house. I took on the task of Trample World who left a few voicemails regarding the defective camper. Yes, of all times...Like I am really in the mood to deal with Trampled World whom never have contacted me since the camper's pulley system and faulty slides ricocheted right out of the wall. Honestly, I don't really recall what was being told to me on the phone. So instead I told them to call Eric. I had far bigger things to attend to...Like attending to some serious pain. Eric on the other hand was ready to let someone have it and needless to say, today was Tragedy World's day. Not only did they not tell us what was going on with repairs. But Eric found out they didn't even repair the damage sustained while the camper sat on two different Terrible World lots for two months. The far bigger shocker was Eric finding out that they only replaced one out of the three defective slides. Not all three, which we have photos showing the cables and pulleys ready to also SNAP! Surprised? We think NOT.

I have said it before and now as of yesterdays final scan. I will say it again. I have FAR BIGGER ISSUES to worry about than a defective camper that we won't be taking back nor will any campground. It's called, "Liability."

We don't expect to receive any further calls from Trampled World. Not in this lifetime and hopefully not in the next lifetime. As far as the camper. They can drop it off in the middle of the Ohio River. Then again...Even the Ohio River doesn't deserve to be tortured. Crazy how one single day can really put life into a far different perspective. The big things that we used to think were really big issues...They aren't so big anymore. What counts right now are the far more little things in life. The little things that will hopefully bring me a smile on the not so great upcoming days of my journey.

Like today.

Eric the country wildflower farmer calling me on my cell phone to come out to see if he sprinkled enough wildflower seeds in hopes of attracting all of God's creatures during the late summer and upcoming fall season.

WORTH A SMILE


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 20, 2017 6:10 AM EDT
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June 16, 2017
Life. "I'm sorry. I am so, so terribly sorry."
Now Playing: Day 2720-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Today...Final scan.

One final drive back across state lines to Ohio.

I had a really bad feeling about today. Yet no matter how much blessed grotto water from France this gal could drink, how many prayers that have been said and Nancy's earrings as a gift of hope. The only words that were given to me today...

"I'm sorry. I am so, so terribly sorry."

I lost track of how many times I heard those words as image upon image upon every single last damning image of defeat came across the big screens. Not one, not two, but three. I also lost track of phone calls going back and forth between the tech and my doctors whom were just as anxiously awaiting to see what the final scan would show. Two separate times having to step out of the room so correspondence could transpire between tech and doctors. So many specialists whom have worked as a team to do everything in their power to beat the odds. Today the odds beat me.

Last month an emergency CT scan was performed via hospital which my doctors believe got mixed up with another patients report that was actually an elderly lady in the room next to mine. We were told by the emergency room doctor that nothing showed up on the CT scan. To myself and Eric. This news made no sense. Unless of course, I finally got my wish. A miracle. For a month we decided to keep things to ourselves regarding that scan. But somehow, in some crazy, twisted way, I really wanted to believe that everything had disappeared. A miraculous cure. This was another reason why I canceled my final scan that was initially scheduled for last week. The mere thought of finding out that the CT scan was wrong would not only be shocking, but extremely devastating. My doctors today voiced their concern on either a huge screw-up or the tumors were once again meticulously hidden by lower intestines that are fused together as one. As for myself and Eric...We now firmly believe that due to the emergency room being busy and understaffed, somehow there was a mix-up with my report and the elderly woman's report that was in the room next to me at the hospital.

My doctors? They didn't believe the report which showed nothing visible on the hospital CT scan, because clearly today's final scan showed just the opposite. Tumors are not only still present, but still growing with blood flow visible on the big screen. Everyone's worse nightmare. Mostly...Mine.

Eric must had also held onto hope because he was shocked. I maxed out every last round of treatment that my body could handle. Not only did nothing work. But things are getting worse. Tumors are now larger than just the last scan prior and the one prior to that and so on and so on. A clear image of what could never be defeated. It had defied every single treatment possible. Hip pain from radiation was not only visible. But the pain is also getting worse from tumors gaining strength and size which is now making it very difficult for me to get in and out of the car. Today everyone agreed on one thing by sharing the same words that no one wants to hear after any type of oncology treatment. Any type of experimental treatment that one decides to put their body through in hopes of a cure. A chance to bide oneself a bit more time here on earth.

"I'm sorry. I am so, so terribly sorry."

For every single person in this world who bravely fights the great fight. Fights to live to see another day. Never have regrets. Even when sometimes things don't go your way.

I have no regrets.

 

Live Is Worth Living

 

Ended up on a crossroad

Try to figure out which way to go

It's like you're stuck on a treadmill

Running in the same place

You got your hazard lights on now

Hoping that somebody would slow down

Praying for a miracle

Who'll show you grace?

Had a couple of dollars and a quarter tank of gas

With a long journey ahead

Seen a truck pull over

God sent an angel to help you out

He gave you direction

Showed you how to read a map

With a long journey ahead

Said it ain't over

Oh, even in the midst of doubt

 

Life is worth living

Life is worth living, so live another day

 

Life is worth living again

 

-Justin Bieber


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 18, 2017 5:07 AM EDT
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June 15, 2017
The Pre-Scan Ritual
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Day 2719-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

We have almost officially come full circle.

The day before my final scan and labs. Thus another pre-scan ritual.

It has only been a year as of May 4th since my last round of radiation. There have been many other avenues I have traveled along the way when it came to experimental means of various treatments. So far...Nothing has worked.

They say it takes a full year to truly see if radiation, the most harsh cancer treatment known to mankind, has truly worked to kill cells. Radiation works by not only doing it's best to isolate and kill the bad cells by extensive burning, but radiation can also quickly scatter onto other good organs. It doesn't happen all of the time. But it can happen. For me...It happened. There are organs that sustained permanent damage from a maximum dose of radiation therapy along with my hips. I can no longer receive radiation due to already receiving the maximum, fast track, dose. This means that instead of going slowly into each radiation treatment. They gave me the maximum dose via the shortest course of treatment. I received the 3-D radiation which the 7 armed radiation bandit introduced radiation not once, not twice, but in a 3-D around the body per morning treatment. I remember the first few times it burned like a SON OF A GUN! It's probably a good thing that my team of oncologists and other team members behind the huge steel vault closed doors didn't let me know what was going on. With lasers going around me delivering each dose of radiation came with it...The unknown.

Would it work? Would I survive? Would this finally be the cure that I had for so long been searching for?

With each experimental treatment, over the past year, came with it lots of prayer. I prayed A LOT. I have also tried many other various religious and holistic alternatives to possibly help cure what had always been far greater than most would had ever known. One single microscopic ovarian cell from a prior surgery of 7 years ago that forever changed my life. One hell of a rollercoaster ride that has made gastroparesis look like a mere walk in the park. There is always something greater. There is always something far worse. But unfortunately all of the prayers, religious means and alternative therapy never worked against something that has remained to this very day. Far bigger.

I still remain number 13. A very unlucky number 13 of such a rare phenomenon that remains defiant as ever. I have fought against the grain for over a year. Yet, tomorrow is another day of the unknown. We know what happened a month ago. But I have still yet to see my own miracle. All I could do was keep fighting. But I refuse to suffer. So today I prepared myself for my final pre-scan ritual.

Everyone has a ritual. I have yet to ever meet a cancer patient who didn't have some sort of ritual before their next scan. A far greater and hopefully a far more powerful ritual before their final scan.

It has been a year. Tomorrow is my final scan. I canceled it from last week. Yet somehow...I still find myself holding onto hope. Some crazy, twisted, torturous way of holding onto hope. I also find myself somehow believing things could go either way. A 50/50 chance of finally being spared a remaining life of misery. Suffering. I guess you could say that I am doing this final scan for my team of specialists who have watched my unique case like some sort of great mystery that they had hoped would finally be solved. But honestly, maybe that hope is why I decided to go forward with my last scan.

I am ready for tomorrow. This is part of my ritual as I get myself prepared mentally for whatever may show up for one final time on the big screen. Sacred, blessed water from the grotto in France, a few inspiring songs, shorts with an appropriate name and earrings given to me by Nancy the hospice caregiver.

And of course, one can never have too many hugs or inspiring words of support along the way towards what could either be the beginning to a new journey or the end of a very long one...

Congrats to receiving the top honors of not one, not two, not three, but four music awards!


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 18, 2017 3:24 AM EDT
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June 14, 2017
Not tomorrow. Not even today.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Day 2718-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

I am still finding myself waking up to look over at the other side of the couch. Hoping that this is all a dream while finding Littleblue fast asleep next to Snoreo.

Somehow...I believe that Snoreo feels the exact same way as he continues through his own stages of grieving.

It's been hard. It has also been haunting. The images of watching my beloved Littleblue struggle to breathe and then finally take her last breath while looking up at me has been incredibly haunting. I don't believe that the image will ever escape my mind. We still have not felt emotionally comfortable enough to contact the lead veterinarian whom did everything in his power to help our Littleblue. The day of her passing he had reached out to me later that evening via phone. But I was so distraught and under stress that I just allowed the phone to ring and go over to voicemail. I plan on calling him back. Just not until I can get myself emotionally stable for the phone call. There are questions that still remain about the aggressiveness of the cancer. But right now the loss is far too soon. The hurt is still far too deep.

Cuddles kitty has been showing signs of her journey soon coming to an end. Today we had to begin the process of giving her home IV fluids. The thought of losing one more fur child is distressing. Eric lost it when I just brought it up this afternoon. The real possibility of losing another. A second loss in less than a week. I had always told him that I know when my time will be near. When God starts calling back the remainder of our fur children. I firmly believe that the process has already begun. Death does not scare me. Suffering scares me. Watching such unconditionally loving pets that we call family members, our beloved fur children, suffer till their final breath scares me. The entire process with watching Littleblue's cancer aggressively spin out of control is something that even an entire team of veterinarian specialists could not prevent nor could had ever predicted. We were just talking about picking her up after the other animal hospital started her on a few new drugs the day before she passed. Just hearing our groomer of over 10 years talk to Eric on the phone about grooming her a week prior and now she is gone shows us how incredibly evil the grips of cancer can take a life. Cancer forever changes the life of everyone involved. The patient, the family and doctors who attempt everything in their power to possibly save a life.

Human and fur children.

This is a reason why I was so adamant with discontinuing my 3-month rescans and labs. It used to be solely for me to know what I am up against. What I am battling. It is also for my own team of doctors who have taken part of a far bigger mystery while doing their own best to help save a life. Me. Somehow watching the inevitable unfold isn't something that I feel is important. What is important is living life to the fullest. Each and every day. I have learned by watching those we have lost over the years from cancer and other medical ailments is what matters most isn't necessarily what used to matter yesterday. The ending of life puts life into perspective. I wish we could all know when our last day was going to be spending with our family. Same as I wish we could had known that Littleblue would only be with us for only a mere 2 more days. Would I have lived those two days differently? You BET I would! How naïve are we to think we can control life. No one can predict the end of life. No one can predict the unpredictable path of cancer within the human body.

The first of two reminder phone calls and emails regarding my final rescan for later this week. Both left on my cell phone this morning. I have a really bad feeling on things. As well there is something that no one knows. Only myself and Eric. We want to believe, truly believe that it is true. But I have learned over the years by my own personal experience that nothing is promised.

Not tomorrow...Not even today.


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 18, 2017 2:06 AM EDT
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June 13, 2017
10 Benefits Of Being A Hermit
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Day 2717-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

My therapist today said it best...

"Depression is much like a flame. Some days it burns more brightly than others."

Depression is very new to me. This is the first time that I have suffered from major depression. Trust me by saying that it doesn't magically go away. Wishful thinking will also not make it magically go away. Neither will doing ones best to stay positive. Depression is like a dark cloud that creeps over you.

I really thought that maybe this would just go away. Doing my best to stay busy and out-think it. YEA RIGHT! I have even been doing my best to stay as busy as possible, thus now beginning the process of catching up with my blog. Thank YOU for understanding. Thank YOU as well to dear friends who are respectively allowing me time to clear my head. A very depressed, physically overworked brain.

In the mist of dealing with this relentless depression. I have learned that being a hermit isn't so bad. Especially when it comes to burning the midnight oil. In fact, I have accomplished quite a lot around the house by taking a time-out for myself, after dark. I have also figured a few great sinking foundation mysteries out during the hermit process. In honor of those whom as well may be suffering from depression. Here are my 10 things I have learned along the hermit way...

1. Darkness brings with it peace while the rest of the world is fast asleep

2. Your electric bill will benefit from accomplishing the day during the midnight hour and beyond

3. Phone reception not only works better at night, but so does your internet high speed connection

4. Walmart is a hermits best friend!

5. Watching your favorite DVR shows is far more relaxing when there are no outdoor distractions such as neighbors cutting grass or cars passing by beeping their horns

6. You can really get some incredible pictures of the moon and stars while wearing your craziest pj's without anyone knowing or seeing. How would they? Everyone else is asleep...

7. Wildlife are at their most active and can be quite fascinating to watch with a really great backyard porch light

8. There are no distractions from phone calls or text messages after midnight

9. One can be as productive as your body allows while staying cool indoors

10. The peaceful ambiance of night brings with it...

A chance to reflect on what is most important in life.

 


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 18, 2017 1:01 AM EDT
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