Now Playing: Day 2831-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
Toss, turn, toss, turn.
I dreaded this day. Eric dreaded this day. What I dreaded most...was once again falling naïve to something that I should had known better.
Another scan...two in less than 30 days that showed absolutely nothing. WHAT?!? Could it really be some sort of miraculous miracle? Prayers answered? Or is this just some sort of fluke with the same piece of high-tech machinery? Two separate cat scans. Both failed to show the internal war within. Yet...blood work reports from in and out of state showing otherwise. Metastasized tumors. Things spreading to the point of symptoms that have not only continued. But have gotten far worse in a matter of a week.
Clearly...not only were my specialists dumbfounded. But so were the radiologists who could not locate the tumors with the same imaging equipment, cat scan. Even the largest ovarian tumor that evaded all possible oncology treatments. Unfortunately, I once again fell victim of being totally naïve. Believing that somehow, I was miraculously cured. Possibly even by the power of prayer. Sure, I do believe in those kinds of miracles. I believe there is a God. I also believe in angels.
This morning was the start of a very long morning. An even longer afternoon. Followed by a very shattering evening. All of my hopes...quickly crashing down. How dumb was I? To be so naïve. We are scheduled back to the hospital tomorrow. To face the music of a very long journey. Quickly spiraling out of control as the tumors were ironically found by the hospital radiologists today. A long process of finding the right imaging equipment that could see through organs all fused together. Hiding the internal war within. So far, we were only told that things looked far worse. On top of the largest tumor literally twisting the lower portion of my intestines while pushing upwards on other surrounding organs. Another infection that quickly spread which meant more IV treatments and pain medication so I can be a bit more comfortable.
Who I am most disappointed in...myself. How naïve to believe that somehow I was cured by some miraculous intervention. Yes, I always tend to be extremely hard on myself. Chalk it up to the fighter within. I have given it everything that I have got over the past 15 months. Maybe I was even a bit naïve to believe that somehow things wouldn't get worse until much further down the road. Not as predicted by my team of oncologists, 12-24 months. Disappointed...isn't the word. Defeated...feels much more appropriate. As my specialists...once again...quickly scramble to get the infection under control. Along with some sort of pain medication that doesn't make matters worse with my obsolete GI motility.
I am left with one question...when does this all end?.
Even us strong gals have our breaking point. Yes, it's perfectly okay not only to express yourself, your feelings, your opinions. Contrary to what family always told me...that it isn't okay to express yourself by any means. It's also perfectly normal. But most importantly, it's very healthy and beneficial to cry your eyes out. As I did once we got back home from the hospital. There is so much that I still want to accomplish with my life. Two online businesses I have yet to finish. After just receiving the approval for a temporary work permit. Sometimes...it feels as if everything comes crashing down at once. But I know in the end...I can chose, once again, to fight with everything I have left inside me. Or...I can choose to give up a very brave battle. The choice is solely mine for the taking. We all know that I don't give up that easily. But I fully anticipate that the road ahead most definitely won't be an easy one.
A little message behind the dime that I found while waiting to be taken back...
A sign to keep fighting from papa J