Mood:
brightNow Playing: Day 2843-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
You know what I love best about writing?
All of it's therapeutic benefits. The ability to not only speak your mind, but release your mind.
Our normal daily life, has once again changed. No longer waking up to our beloved Cuddles kitty wanting to be held in order to sleep on our lap is no longer. The many alarm clock reminders on our cell phones have now went silent. Changing out food, washing her bedding, throwing away can after can of specialty high-calorie prescription food, now sits in the cupboard with the rest of Cuddles medication. It's strange...when you lose a fur child. Everything with your normal routine changes. Life changes. Nothing...is the ever same. It's all really quite sad and incredibly strange. Yet, we are reminded that her spirit still remains.
Change...Change...Change.
We have yet to hear from the insurance company regarding if they will cover another round of non-FDA, experimental oncology treatments. Another experimental round of another drug that no one really knows for certain if it will even work to provide me any sort of longevity or relief. 6-12 months of additional time in hopes of possibly stopping the clock of rapidly progressing issues with my health. The risks are unreal. The complications with even using this drug are even riskier. Not having another drug to help reverse an instant side effect that could be fatal. The biggest risk, yet scariest fact of all when it comes to making such a life-changing decision.
What has been the most disappointing of all during the last several months happens to be with long standing friendships. Friendships that have exceeded way past several years. One actually lasted 13 years. The other happened to be almost 10 years. Let's just say, that I am a very loyal person, especially when it comes to my friendships. Yet, once again, unfortunately even those whom were once close to you, grow tired of the same thing I am fighting. The right to be cured. A much more normal life. Some sort of lifestyle that includes having fun.
With trials and tribulations. This gal has become stronger than ever before! There isn't a great wall of china built around me in order to protect myself from getting hurt by others. In the emotional sense of things. This gal has a wall that defies all gravity. A darn good reason why as once again, another friendship is no longer. Sad isn't it. How some people find rhymes and reasons, that make absolutely no sense, to literally fall off the face of the earth. Yet...for those who have done nothing to deserve such hurt by a friend. Are usually the ones left standing there shaking their head in utter confusion and sheer disappointment. No way, will I allow myself to be treated as such, not any longer. As an extremely loyal friend, as anyone would, we all deserve an explanation from friends who literally POOF! Disappear without any sort of explanation. Yet, through trials and tribulations. I have grown stronger. Much stronger than ever before! When friendships of many years just fall apart due to the other party literally disappearing on me. To never be heard from again. I view it as their loss. My gain. If a friend doesn't respect you enough to explain why they no longer contact you. Then clearly, they are not the type of people you need in your life. These are not friends.
Sure, I understand that those who battle everyday with long-term medical conditions are not of this norm. Their lives are far different than those who live a normal lifestyle without restrictions. Yet, what happened to true friends who stand by your side, through thick and thin? Seems now and days, friends are merely just acquaintances. Even so much as only staying in contact with you if you have an open social media account such as Facebook. I had two great friendships literally blow~away like dust in the wind this year. One was a friendship of over 13 years, in which, I found out the hard way that I really didn't know the person. Dark secrets. I am huge on trust and when someone lies to you for over a decade. It's hard to trust the person again. Whether alone, even know them. Especially when they were never the person you believed them to be all along. Finding out they are a completely different person was beyond shocking. Both for myself and Eric. Yet, I still gave this person the benefit of the doubt. Even so much as forgiving them. However, after extending my hand of support out to this friend. I never heard back from them again.
This week, I ran into another issue with a friend of almost 10 years. I honestly didn't think too much when they had disappeared off the friend radar over the past month. Yes, it was strange and most definitely not the kind of behavior that I was used to from such a dear and close friend. Lately, the friendship consisted of me reaching out to them. But only to receive odd text messages back that they were too busy to talk. Two weeks ago, I received a text message from this friend of almost 10 years letting me know that since their girlfriend was moving back into their home. They were absent due to needing to soul search a bit. However, our friendship as they told me, was something they valued. Needless to say, I never heard back from them again.
I guess I am different when it comes to value and respect. I value and respect my friendships. I have always been a loyal friend through out my entire life. Treating friendships as if they are at your disposal is something that I no longer put up with nor will tolerate from anyone. What I value and respect the most, after trials and tribulations, is...myself. I no longer allow myself to be someone's pushover. When someone can not even have the respect nor human decency to contact me. Even for a mere second to say, "Hi, how are you doing?" Then clearly, they are not a friend by any means. In this day and age...do true friendships even exist. Or...are friends really only just mere acquaintances.
Change...Change...Change.
I didn't ask for a lifetime of being sick. Who really does such a thing? But I also will not tolerate being treated as a friend at anyone's disposal or as less of a human being. What is really a sad shame, is that Eric was actually getting to know both friends of mine. Then POOF! out of nowhere...they disappeared. But as we all know...life goes on. Friendships, much like life, sometimes must also go on. Out of sight, out of mind. But same as with doors. When one door closes, its for good reason. So another door can open with those who will truly appreciate you and value your friendship.
sad
Physically and emotionally. Myself and Eric are both beyond spent. This has been a very tough week. As we are helping Cuddles. I also have to keep in mind, helping myself. I have a very difficult decision to make regarding my own life. But as of yesterday. I have come to a definitive decision. Some may dislike and some may even disagree with my decision. But everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions. I received many opinions from others when it came time to decide regarding a fast track, maximum course of radiation therapy and a few other oncology treatment drugs. The difference between myself and Cuddles is that she needed our assistance in making such a very hard decision. We gave it a few days, but Cuddles health was deteriorating far too rapidly for her to pass peacefully at home. Early this morning, Cuddles peacefully passed onto a far more beautiful place where she was greeted by her other rescued siblings.
As we did so with our other beloved fur children. We brought Cuddles back home so her fur siblings could understand what had happened. I believe this to be a very important part of grieving, because even animals grieve. Snoreo was the first to walk up to Cuddles resting peacefully while wrapped up in a few of her favorite sheets and kitty blanket. It was the most amazing thing to watch Snoreo literally walk up, sniff and then kiss Cuddles on the nose. Big LOVE took only a mere instant to realize that one of his new best friends was to be no longer. Not in the physical sense, but very much still alive with us, spiritually, energy. Big LOVE sat the longest while Eric called to set up a time for a private crematory service at Faithful Companion. We have unfortunately made far too many calls to Faithful Companion over the years. I know things happen for a reason. All I can believe in my heart is that they wanted to be together. Waiting for me to arrive, so we can cross the Rainbow Bridge...together. 
Sharing this part of my life, a very private part of my journey is very important. Sharing allows other fur parents to understand that when the time comes. There are options. It doesn't mean having to bury your beloved fur child, or keeping them with your veterinarian. There are wonderful, kind, compassionate companies out there who offer services and other options for our beloved family members. Our faithful companions. Pet 
crematory services, private crematory services such as we have used with, Faithful Companion. Having a private crematory service, while having the time to grieve our loss. Knowing that we will be bringing home Cuddles just in a different form. It's beyond reassuring! I wouldn't handle the passing of any of our fur children any other way. There are options out there. I hope by sharing this part of my journey. You too, will realize that other choices do exist in hopes of bringing your beloved fur child back home to be with their family.
Our beloved Cuddles had started feeling not so well a few days ago. In fact, Cuddles kitty had collapsed on the living room floor which sadly resembled the same as our beloved Oreo when he had a stroke. Since then...Cuddles health has quickly began to decline. We had been using IV fluids to help keep her hydrated at home. Cuddles is also on prescription critical care can food. Over the past few weeks we had went from Cuddles eating out of the bowl on her own. To literally hand feeding her through a syringe. Over the past week, Cuddles has literally began to fight off Eric when getting ready to insert the needle for her IV so she can stay hydrated. The same with feeding her through a small syringe so we could make sure her weight remained stable. 
I am grateful to the good Lord for allowing me many years to spend with all of our beloved fur children. I am beyond blessed to have spent so many years having the companionship of all my little angels. Their unconditional love is something that can never be denied. They never faulted to be there for me, by my side, when I needed them the most. As humans...I have experienced quite the opposite during my hardest trials and tribulations. During oncology treatments and many surgeries. It wasn't the kindness, compassion and love from humans that helped keep me fighting. In fact, that support didn't really exist. It was actually the love, tiny kisses and warm snuggles from our beloved fur children that kept me going. I had to keep fighting for them. That unconditional love kept me going and it will continue until the very end. 
Many thanks to Richard for sharing this article with me. As I now share it with you. 
not sure
Thanks to Miss Beary kitty for the morning wake up call as she sat at the living room window talking to the birds. She has grown to be such a beautiful Beary kitty~
Since there are no further surgical options and I maxed out the lifetime course of radiation therapy among other oncology treatments. There was only one option given to us today. Given to me as a means to 'possibly' provide a minimum 6 months to a year before facing the inevitable end to my journey. There is only one last option which is a non-FDA experimental course of therapeutic treatment delivered via outpatient injections. The problem with using this experimental drug is that there are no other drugs to counter act a very long list of side effects. In fact, there are so many side effects that Eric's opinion after reading only 1/3 of the list was, "NOWAY." As well, the drug does raise flags for concern due to the drugs initial reaction. During the first 3-4 weeks, the drug will cause you to feel worse, before, possibly helping to starve off and shrink lesions and tumors. All this to possibly help me gain a 'possible' 6 months to a year of life. Quality of life during those 6 months to a year? That's an entirely different blog for another day to share with everyone. Because let's face it. When you come to a point in your life. When you feel as if you are all alone. There is a one million percent certainly in saying...YOU are not alone. Someone else, somewhere else, is walking in the same exact shoes with you. In my case, another non-FDA, experimental treatment, paving the way for other patients who may have to unfortunately take a walk in my rare pair of shoes in the future.
If anything is to come out of a very unique medical journey. Is the ability to share it with others.
hug me
d'oh
With only one more of my specialists lined up to see me later this week. I literally feel my most vulnerable yet. My life, my future, my everything lies in their hands. And THAT is the most damning reality of all. A very disheartening reality. But so is another day dealing with the same constant pain, nausea and more weight loss. The lack of energy is the most upsetting. My biggest mistake today was getting on the scale. All I did was set myself up for one more huge let down. Hospital physicians did mention of placing me back on Marinol. The little magical pill that consists of one active ingredient. The most potent active ingredient found in marijuana, but in pill form. Liquid pill form with a PUNCH! My body got used to the little magical pill when I was taking it for the last time earlier this year. My specialists then made the decision to slowly wean me off the medication. The biggest benefit I received from Marinol was helping to completely eliminate nausea and vomiting. That meant the ability to actually gain weight. For me...5mg, twice a day, did the trick! Now since I am quickly losing weight due to the inability to consume anything without excruciating pain, nausea and vomiting. Giving the ole Marinol another try might not be such a bad idea. Hmmmm....
What is good to possess is that deep FIRE that remains within! That fire inside allowed for me to almost flip our entire house. What is left, isn't much. Just a few repairs with the ceiling and a few outdoor odds and ends. We literally took all of the hidden lemon gems that we came across over the past year and turned them into sweet, SWEET LEMONADE! Even...while being sick. Even...while recovering from every single, last oncology treatment. Even...while taking on more of you-know-what...stress. That folks IS something that I am most definitely proud of! I am proud of myself. I am proud of Eric. I am exceptionally proud to have overcome the odds for many years while doing so...together.
chillin'
What I am happy about is finding something that I can tolerate that doesn't make matters worse for me. Instead of fudge pops that didn't work the first or second try, even with two totally different brands. Eric found some fudge pops at the store today that are actually ice pops that taste like fudge pops. With a 6-pound weight loss in less than a week due to the inability to hardly consume anything without it causing unbearable pain or vomiting. It was the first silver lining we have found when it comes to something for me to consume. Just like with gastroparesis...right now everything is trial & error. 
Fear is still running rampid in my mind. But there are moments through out the day, when we both still find a reason to laugh. A reason to smile. Another successful raindance chalked up for Eric! How does he ever predict these things? The precision is just mind-blowing! Heeheeheehee! Some silly folks...they still believe in his raindancing. Who really has Sioux Indian in their blood after all...me or him? Hmmmmm....
game begins.
The final radiology reports came back this morning. This after needing to be carefully read and reviewed by two other radiologists due to two separate cat scans failing to show a slue of problems. One big nightmare of a mess. 
The toughest pill to swallow is the inability to take morphine due to causing even further GI issues. It worked really well in the hospital via IV. But then once I got home, three days later...my entire GI tract locked up on me. Now it's back to 24-hour pain and overwhelming discomfort until my team of specialists can figure out who needs to address which part of the damning radiology reports. The far bigger pill we might have to swallow...IF there is anything left that can be done. Instead of things just staying within the ovary after a failed attempt at a very high, maximum dose of radiation therapy. Everything has now quickly spread like wildfire, out of nowhere. I still am lost for words, yet thankful to have some sort of voice here on this blog. The only place where I will talk about the huge elephant in the room with regards to my health. Elephants'...plural now.
It's all really a HUGE, GINOROUS, damning of a shame. 