Mood:
downNow Playing: Day 2883-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
I haven't felt this 
bad in a really long time.
What made things worse was the inability to flip over on either side in order to possibly catch at least some sort of rest before this mornings scheduled surgery. The pressure pain from the tumors continuing to grow, expand and push on my surrounding organs has become a new way of life. Trying to somehow adapt to this permanent change has been mind blowing. Somehow... I have come down to one final chance at any possible surgery. That also includes any type of surgical procedure.
I should had known better to realize what was making me feel so horribly sick this morning. The cold sweats on top of pain, dizziness and feeling as if I couldn't catch my breath had Eric contacting my surgeons office and the hospital around 7:30am. I really did my best to get lots of rest and take it easy over the weekend. However, when the internal war rears it's ugly head through very unexpected symptoms. There is no warning.
A very low body temperature and extremely low blood pressure that continued until 8:00am. As Eric made one final phone call back to my surgeons office only to be told that surgery would once again have to be canceled for this morning. Later this afternoon once I finally was able to get a bit of rest with the assistance of prescribed medication. I had a phone call to make to my surgeons office. It was then that I was told due to the seriousness of my condition and symptoms that have persisted has now landed me with only one more attempt at surgery scheduled for later this week. I was told this was the last time they would be able to proceed ahead with surgery. That includes any future surgical procedures. I wasn't expecting the news, but as well I am no fool to what has continued to only get worse with my health. Still... it was devastating to hear on the phone. It wasn't until later this afternoon with further rest that I was finally able to get my blood pressure and body temperature a bit more stabile. This has been the scariest for me yet as I have quickly come to realize how bad things are getting with my health continuing to deteriorate right before my very own eyes. It's still hard to fathom everything. Who knows if I will ever come to accept the very thought of being defeated after fighting for so many years.
With Cleveland Clinic now assisting my team of specialists here in Ohio and Indiana due to the uniqueness of my medical condition. Their opinion stands with the rest of my specialists. Any type of surgery or surgical procedure is already extremely risky. If I can't maintain a much more normal blood pressure or body temperature by later this week. There is no way anyone can proceed with surgery in order to gain some sort of control over my most recent infection. The risk would be far too great for any surgeon. With my specialists now needing assistance of their very own in order to manage my care has me very worried. Mentally... I still want to fight this battle. Physically... my body is giving up. The fatigue has quickly gotten a lot worse and honestly all I want to do anymore is lay on the couch with my heating pad and electric blanket. It sounds crazy to admit that I really look forward to just laying down and getting some sort of rest. The problem with that statement is when I am finally able to get to sleep. I can't hardly wake back up. There really are no words to describe what has been going on with my health lately and the very noticeable changes that even Eric has been bringing to my attention. However, I prefer not to discuss it. This blog is the only time you will read about it. I refuse to discuss it otherwise. Unless you are one of my specialists. Then of course, I really don't have much choice in the matter.
I have one final chance with surgery that was rescheduled for later this week. I have until then to somehow start feeling better. Internally speaking. Because lets face it. Mentally I am ready! My game face is on! Physically speaking is an entirely different story. If I can't maintain some sort of decent body temperature and blood pressure by the morning of surgery. Everything will officially be called off and not by my doing. But by my surgeons. Any future surgeries or future surgical procedures will as I was told on the phone... be no longer. That thought alone is frightening, because in my mind, it means having to accept being defeated in what I fought against for such a very long time. Yet, I will do everything in my power to somehow get myself physically back on track for surgery later this week. But the reality of it all still doesn't look very promising. Especially when my pain management doctor can't even get me to some sort of middle ground with the tumor pain. Endocrinology gave up on finding some sort of answers to help balance out issues with the inability to stabilize vitally important hormones that help to regulate normal bodily functions. My levels are off the charts due to the ovarian tumors continuing to feed from the hormones that I need in order to maintain some sort of normalcy. It's been that way for months now and it hasn't gotten any better.
If this blog entry reads as if I am airing out my brain that remains on overdrive. You are absolutely correct!
Well... back to finding a possible means for some sort of relief-zzzzz
