Mood: not sure
Now Playing: Day 2719-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
We have almost officially come full circle.
The day before my final scan and labs. Thus another pre-scan ritual.
It has only been a year as of May 4th since my last round of radiation. There have been many other avenues I have traveled along the way when it came to experimental means of various treatments. So far...Nothing has worked.
They say it takes a full year to truly see if radiation, the most harsh cancer treatment known to mankind, has truly worked to kill cells. Radiation works by not only doing it's best to isolate and kill the bad cells by extensive burning, but radiation can also quickly scatter onto other good organs. It doesn't happen all of the time. But it can happen. For me...It happened. There are organs that sustained permanent damage from a maximum dose of radiation therapy along with my hips. I can no longer receive radiation due to already receiving the maximum, fast track, dose. This means that instead of going slowly into each radiation treatment. They gave me the maximum dose via the shortest course of treatment. I received the 3-D radiation which the 7 armed radiation bandit introduced radiation not once, not twice, but in a 3-D around the body per morning treatment. I remember the first few times it burned like a SON OF A GUN! It's probably a good thing that my team of oncologists and other team members behind the huge steel vault closed doors didn't let me know what was going on. With lasers going around me delivering each dose of radiation came with it...The unknown.
Would it work? Would I survive? Would this finally be the cure that I had for so long been searching for?
With each experimental treatment, over the past year, came with it lots of prayer. I prayed A LOT. I have also tried many other various religious and holistic alternatives to possibly help cure what had always been far greater than most would had ever known. One single microscopic ovarian cell from a prior surgery of 7 years ago that forever changed my life. One hell of a rollercoaster ride that has made gastroparesis look like a mere walk in the park. There is always something greater. There is always something far worse. But unfortunately all of the prayers, religious means and alternative therapy never worked against something that has remained to this very day. Far bigger.
I still remain number 13. A very unlucky number 13 of such a rare phenomenon that remains defiant as ever. I have fought against the grain for over a year. Yet, tomorrow is another day of the unknown. We know what happened a month ago. But I have still yet to see my own miracle. All I could do was keep fighting. But I refuse to suffer. So today I prepared myself for my final pre-scan ritual.
Everyone has a ritual. I have yet to ever meet a cancer patient who didn't have some sort of ritual before their next scan. A far greater and hopefully a far more powerful ritual before their final scan.
It has been a year. Tomorrow is my final scan. I canceled it from last week. Yet somehow...I still find myself holding onto hope. Some crazy, twisted, torturous way of holding onto hope. I also find myself somehow believing things could go either way. A 50/50 chance of finally being spared a remaining life of misery. Suffering. I guess you could say that I am doing this final scan for my team of specialists who have watched my unique case like some sort of great mystery that they had hoped would finally be solved. But honestly, maybe that hope is why I decided to go forward with my last scan.
I am ready for tomorrow. This is part of my ritual as I get myself prepared mentally for whatever may show up for one final time on the big screen. Sacred, blessed water from the grotto in France, a few inspiring songs, shorts with an appropriate name and earrings given to me by Nancy the hospice caregiver.
And of course, one can never have too many hugs or inspiring words of support along the way towards what could either be the beginning to a new journey or the end of a very long one...
Congrats to receiving the top honors of not one, not two, not three, but four music awards!