Not tomorrow. Not even today.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Day 2718-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

I am still finding myself waking up to look over at the other side of the couch. Hoping that this is all a dream while finding Littleblue fast asleep next to Snoreo.

Somehow...I believe that Snoreo feels the exact same way as he continues through his own stages of grieving.

It's been hard. It has also been haunting. The images of watching my beloved Littleblue struggle to breathe and then finally take her last breath while looking up at me has been incredibly haunting. I don't believe that the image will ever escape my mind. We still have not felt emotionally comfortable enough to contact the lead veterinarian whom did everything in his power to help our Littleblue. The day of her passing he had reached out to me later that evening via phone. But I was so distraught and under stress that I just allowed the phone to ring and go over to voicemail. I plan on calling him back. Just not until I can get myself emotionally stable for the phone call. There are questions that still remain about the aggressiveness of the cancer. But right now the loss is far too soon. The hurt is still far too deep.

Cuddles kitty has been showing signs of her journey soon coming to an end. Today we had to begin the process of giving her home IV fluids. The thought of losing one more fur child is distressing. Eric lost it when I just brought it up this afternoon. The real possibility of losing another. A second loss in less than a week. I had always told him that I know when my time will be near. When God starts calling back the remainder of our fur children. I firmly believe that the process has already begun. Death does not scare me. Suffering scares me. Watching such unconditionally loving pets that we call family members, our beloved fur children, suffer till their final breath scares me. The entire process with watching Littleblue's cancer aggressively spin out of control is something that even an entire team of veterinarian specialists could not prevent nor could had ever predicted. We were just talking about picking her up after the other animal hospital started her on a few new drugs the day before she passed. Just hearing our groomer of over 10 years talk to Eric on the phone about grooming her a week prior and now she is gone shows us how incredibly evil the grips of cancer can take a life. Cancer forever changes the life of everyone involved. The patient, the family and doctors who attempt everything in their power to possibly save a life.

Human and fur children.

This is a reason why I was so adamant with discontinuing my 3-month rescans and labs. It used to be solely for me to know what I am up against. What I am battling. It is also for my own team of doctors who have taken part of a far bigger mystery while doing their own best to help save a life. Me. Somehow watching the inevitable unfold isn't something that I feel is important. What is important is living life to the fullest. Each and every day. I have learned by watching those we have lost over the years from cancer and other medical ailments is what matters most isn't necessarily what used to matter yesterday. The ending of life puts life into perspective. I wish we could all know when our last day was going to be spending with our family. Same as I wish we could had known that Littleblue would only be with us for only a mere 2 more days. Would I have lived those two days differently? You BET I would! How naïve are we to think we can control life. No one can predict the end of life. No one can predict the unpredictable path of cancer within the human body.

The first of two reminder phone calls and emails regarding my final rescan for later this week. Both left on my cell phone this morning. I have a really bad feeling on things. As well there is something that no one knows. Only myself and Eric. We want to believe, truly believe that it is true. But I have learned over the years by my own personal experience that nothing is promised.

Not tomorrow...Not even today.