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The Road Before & After Surgery
June 30, 2017
Cancer Treatments... It's OK To Be OK... With YOU! :)
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Day 2734-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Cancer treatments...Oncology treatments.

 

If only there was a book for patients that told it all. That REALLY told it all!

I decided over the past two weeks to temporarily place aside all of my wigs, hair extensions and other PRESTO-MAGIC ways to make oneself feel like their old self. That is...Prior to oncology treatments.

There is something to be said for those whom have endured the most brutal toxicity of this earth. Yet, still have the emotional strength to talk about their experience to others. Sharing their unique journey. There is also something to be said about the undeniable power within to truly LOVE YOURSELF. The freedom to embrace the now. The present.

What cancer treatment centers, hospitals and other oncology facilities do not explain to patients is what life will be like 'after' experimental treatments. What is ahead...The future. For those who are the bravest of the brave! Patients whom walk through those oncology doors and into the land of the unknown. Because let's be real by saying, "Cancer is the unknown." Every cancer is different. Every patient's reaction to experimental treatments are also very different. What a patient endures during and after, post-treatments, can vary as far as side effects. Both short term and unfortunately, long-term. If only patients had a far better understanding about the road ahead, when treatments either worked temporarily or didn't work at all. I personally don't believe that cancer just disappears. But I do believe that for some patients. Cancer does go into hiding. Remission.

Today I got the not-so-lucky privilege to find out what happens after oncology treatments. Hormones. When radiation and other various toxic treatment drugs play games with your hormones. Ovarian cancer is one damning, unpredictable journey of the unknown. Radiation treatments and other drugs sent cells into a mad scramble. Shutting down not only one ovary, but as well the magical and most damning ovary of all defied the shut-down. Or as my oncologists call it, "A deep state of ovarian sleep-temporary sleep." The unicorn ovary that not only grew back, but is causing more hell for my team of specialists than one could ever imagine in their wildest nightmares. Not dreams. Because who really would want this kind of nightmare as a dream?. During my last scan they were actually able to get the best images to date. Tumors feeding from their own blood supply. Not just by hormones. NOT...GOOD NEWS.

I have been transferred to Endocrinology with an appointment in two weeks. Instead of replacing lost hormones that most woman receive after oncology treatments aimed at the reproductive organs that supply important hormones to the body. They now have to make sure to do everything in their power to shut off all hormonal supply to the tumors. This isn't something that anyone would be happy about, as a woman, ME. But it's something that must be done. Oncology treatments didn't work. Thus the end result that no one tells you when treatments fail...Is the long road that lies ahead of you. The land of the unknown.

This is where having the power to not just embrace YOU in the NOW comes into play. But truly having the power to be able to love yourself. Hair, no hair, hormones, no hormones. Hey! Things happen. Life happens and no normal, sane patient ever asked to be sick. But sometimes you just have to learn to accept and love the person in the mirror. The one looking back at you. Because YOU are still, no matter what...

B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!

 


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: July 1, 2017 8:26 AM EDT
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June 29, 2017
Lemons... Sweet Lemonade! :)
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Day 2733-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

YESSSS!

I am finally getting somewhere with this house of ours!

YAYYYYY!

One of our parents told us, "Looks like a lemon to me!" Now that I have had time to reflect on one of many poor and lack of good parental judgment comments. If I could turn back time like Cher, I would had most likely offered that parent or parents a paintbrush and more than a few cans of paint. If it looks like one big lemon. Then why not had offered to help? GREAT question! Those words stuck to not just myself, but as well Eric. It's not like we had a ton of houses to choose from in order to quickly go under contract. A closing that had to take place within 30 days. The reason is because we were in a rental property, back in Ohio. I had given the rental property owner our 60 day notice before the private owner, in which we were under contract, decided that he wasn't going to finish up a mandatory addendum before closing. We even gave him an additional 30 day extension. But there are other reasons we believe that the private owner wasn't willing to hold up on his end of the purchase contract deal. So... We were pretty much SOL! I even asked the rental property owner back in Ohio for another extension on our lease, month-to-month. But when you have family and an ex-spouse still not willing to move on with their life... Bad things are soon to happen! I like how my therapist would say, "Family will always find another hole to dig!" It wasn't until I caught the rental property owner with an ex-spouses phone number and more than a few words, did I then finally realize that family and the ex-spouse had interfered with our right to a peaceful life. The right to have a roof over our heads. The rest went all down-hill from there... The private property owner not only refused to at least allow us additional time to land another purchase contract, but we found out some pretty disheartening things that the family member and ex-spouse were saying about myself and Eric. I did not forget. I am now only able to find time to come to terms with things that had to be placed aside so I could focus on my health and oncology treatments. I did approach that rental property owner after sending a copy of my divorce decree showing the paragraph where I have a right to privacy. The right to move forward without inference. That doesn't mean family has the right to reach back out to any ex-spouse when the marriage did not end on any sort of good terms. EX means EX. The past. AMEN.

Thus we had to land a purchase contract ASAP! The rental property owner back then also had mechanical issues with his home, in which, we were without hot water for 27 days and heat for over 2 weeks. Family knew all about this, yet did absolutely nothing to help. But instead only hurt the situation, making things worse and the stress...UNBEARABLE. Anyone whom thinks this is OK to not fix mandatory repairs ASAP that leave tenants in an unsafe home, by any means, as any sort of rental property owner. You have another thing coming. Tis good to read your rights per state as any rental property owner and same goes for anyone who rents. Would had things turned out differently if the ex-spouse and family member would not had slandered myself and Eric to the private property owner? Yes. Indeed they would had turned out differently. We would not had to jump into another purchase contract ASAP! This is where the house of lemons that we landed comes into play...We bought a home that didn't come without hidden agendas. NO PUN intended! A lot of hidden lemons. But there are no pity parties. Not on my watch nor in this gal's life! You only become stronger and far wiser by the tough times. You can't let them break you.

Cancer...That's tough and can literally break you.

I decided to take those words from a parent, that our home was nothing but a LEMON, and put those words into positive actions. Take all of the lemons that we have found and continue finding in our home and turn them one-by-one into SWEET LEMONADE! Eric looked at me this afternoon and said, "You realize if your sibling and ex-spouse didn't interfere with the rental property owner by slandering us. We wouldn't had been put in this situation." You know what? I believe in God. I believe in karma. No need to bring up negative energy. Time to close those doors. Make peace with what was and what will never be again. Lessons learned. Sometimes...The hard way. But then again, the hard way to learn lessons in life always end up being the most gratifying. I like to call them, "Silver Linings." 

Our house might not be a million-dollar-home that was build from a business that those who swear up and down, would never become like those that they serve. It might not be a million-dollar-home that parents brag about, same as saying to an adult child that things would be different for their adult child if they were able to have children. But it is a house. A house that needs a lot of TLC and a WHOLE LOTTA LOVE

A Charlie Brown Christmas Tree Home.

It just needs someone to love it. To actually give the home all of it's attention that it so long overdue deserves. See... As you can SEE from the pictures of a lot of blood, sweat and tears from my hands. It's not so bad after all.

Turning Lemons... Into...Sweet Lemonade

 


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: July 1, 2017 7:53 AM EDT
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June 28, 2017
SEAS The DAY! ;)
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Day 2732-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

YAYYY!

I survived yesterdays first round of pain management treatments! I woke up this morning and literally had to pinch myself!

I guess my new specialist was right...I did wake up feeling, for the most part, pain-free! YAYYYY! Talking about, "Seas The Day!" I really didn't think he was right about feeling the benefits of both drugs 24-hours later. But I actually didn't wake up with so much pain and it didn't take me as long to get out of bed. We still have a bit of a ways to go due to needing to re-adjust my GI medications that I still must take on a daily and weekly basis. But with my doctors working together as a team. I most definitely feel it is possible! For now...I am going to enjoy this far better day. A good day to enjoy the great outdoors and beautiful weather!

Cowgirl style

Before the heat, humidity and rain begins for the upcoming holiday weekend. We decided to catch up with a few odds and ends around the house. Outdoors. We have a natural oasis for all wildlife, especially all of the deer, that needed a bit of TLC. My wildflowers and herbs also needed a bit of love and some fresh new soil. They are doing great! Crazy how much better everything grows when you live in the country! I have high expectations that by mid July, everything should be ready to either start blooming or ready to pick as far as the herbs, sunflowers and all sorts of various wildflowers that the deer will get to enjoy. Once again, you know...It's the little things with this gal!

Even a few bites of hot fudge cake~YUMMMMMM!!! It has been years since enjoying this super sweet treat! Those bites were not only savored, but so well worth the wait!

I now must be extra careful with what I consume due to the largest tumor being literally wrapped around my lower intestines. The risk of obstructions are far greater now, than ever before! Heed the warning that I have to be super careful with consuming anything solid. A few small bites is a must and maximum limit here on out on a daily basis. I am going to make sure that those small bites are worth it! Hot fudge cake was sooooo worth it!

Today will be the last beautiful, crisp, cool, fall-like day in the summer for those like us in the country. Come tomorrow, its back to the heat and humidity. Just in time for 4th of July. UGGGG... But for now we are going to max out this beautiful day!

B-L-E-S-S-E-D


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 29, 2017 7:12 AM EDT
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June 27, 2017
Seas Or..Eas The Day...
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Day 2731-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

LORDIE! What a morning!

Rise N' Shine! Back across state lines for my first pain specialist appointment. Wayyyy too early! It's no wonder that instead of my sweatshirt saying, "Seas The day." Maybe it should had said, "Eas The Day."

Now we know why most of the patients who got called back before me ended up coming out half-tanked! Light me up like the BEST CHRISTMAS TREE EVER Johnny! HA! I may not be able to break down nor absorb solid forms of medication due to my gastroparesis. But when it comes to injections or IV...That's ALL she WROTE! I was LIT!!! Eric took one look at me on the car ride back home across state lines to my comfy couchbed waiting for me in Indiana and said, "Your eyes look like slivers of rice!" HA!

Yes indeed, I want to be able to function during the day minus darn tumor pain getting in my way. But HOLY CONNOLI!! We are most definitely going to be working on a different drug combination during my next visit! My pain specialist warned me that it might take 24 hours before I start feeling the benefits of the injection and IV medication. I sure the heck hope so! Maybe tomorrow will bring with it a bit more energy and a lot more alert...Me.

So much for doing much of anything today except taking it easy. We were able to at least take Snoreo up to the dog park this evening. A bit later once I got some seriously solid drug induced sleep. I attempted to paint. But it didn't last very long, a little over an hour before I had to call it quits with the paint brush. There is always tomorrow.

For now it's all about zzzzzz


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 29, 2017 7:14 AM EDT
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June 26, 2017
Painting Away Depression...One Paint Stroke At A Time~
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Day 2730-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

I have a HUGE project ahead of me!

A deadline projected for October 11th.

PROJECTED...HA! Did I just make a funny?.

Since we have to remain here in our home of many lemons. Why not continue finding ways to take all of these lemons and keep turning them into sweet lemonade! There are enough reasons to also try my best by painting away my depression. One stroke of the paint brush at a time.

Many paint brushes with various cans of coastal country colored paint. HGTV paint is a must! That is the only paint I will ever use after seeing the end results back in Ohio. You sometimes, not all of the time. Get what you pay for! HGTV Sherwin Williams paint not only saves you time due to needing less paint. But it coats the first time with so many super vibrant colors to choose from! It also comes with a money-back guarantee. Just bring the paint can back to Lowes and they will either switch it to another color or give you a full refund.

Did that just sound like a super BLOG PLUG?! Yep, it did.

So far, I am finishing up one of our three bedrooms while also working on the bathroom and hallway. This house has seen it's far share of damage over the years. Strange enough, by once again listing to the house. We have found a few answers with regards to prior foundation issues. It seems not only did the prior owners have a friend do some work on the basement before placing the house up for sale. But today we put the final mystery puzzle pieces together and realized why one of the bedrooms suffered so much damage. Damage that was carefully and meticulously hidden by the prior owners. There is a wall in the basement where support posts were installed which lifted the bedroom directly above it. This is clearly why there was so much hidden damage. The rest of the foundation issues we are finally coming to realize is due to the prior owners most definitely not taking care of the house. In more ways than one!

We know who will be continuing to work on all of these repairs. Making sweet lemonade... Why of course...US.

I plan on taking things one day at a time. During my good days. Physically. Thank goodness for lots of do-it-yourself videos available online! So far they have come in very handy for myself and Eric. While I am patching, painting and doing other repairs inside our home. Eric has been busy trying to finish installing our new garage door, outside. The prior garage door was not only installed incorrectly by the prior owners. But they also never used any type of support brackets for the garage and garage door opener. It's no wonder with such poor installation that the prior garage door literally snapped on us, in half! PFFFFF! This is why having a home warranty is so very important! Some of the hidden damage has been able to be claimed. While other damage continues to be our responsibility. $$$ We had anticipated to vacate the house, but we had no where else to go. We also have no time nor thousands upon thousands of dollars to hire an attorney. Even if we decided to proceed ahead and represent ourselves, Pro Se. At this point with my health. We just don't have the desire nor the time.

I view life differently than most. God watches and so does karma. I have far better things to do with the ending of my journey. Sitting inside a courtroom isn't one of them. Amen.

While I paint the evenings away...One stroke at a time. My supervisor, Snoreo has been taking it easy on the job. Since the passing of his best friend, Littleblue, he has horrible separation anxiety. Where we go...Snoreo now goes. Grieving is different for all of us. So is depression. Keeping busy is important for not only our physical health. But also for our overall well being.

By the time October 11th rolls around...You can certainly BET.

This house will be looking COASTAL COUNTRY!

YEEHAW


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 28, 2017 7:08 AM EDT
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June 25, 2017
Celebration Sunday~
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Day 2729-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Talking about a day of celebration!

How about this absolutely BEAUTIFUL weather!

Fall in the summer...LOVING IT!!

Today was a picture perfect day to spend outdoors. Enjoying the super amazing weather! An early afternoon walk along the river trails and then it was off to our local dog park! This most definitely is Snoreo's kind of weather. We sure wish that our beloved Littleblue would of had the chance to enjoy these cool temperatures in the summer while playing with her best friend, Snoreo. But we know that she is still with us in spirit. More ways than one and with signs all around us. If only the summer brought with it days like today. Clear skies, low humidity and crisp, cool temperatures.

On our way back to the car we actually stumbled upon a rock that was carefully placed on a tree. A special rock with a super cute smile! A message on a rock to be precise! "Smile You Are Loved." What a very nice idea to paint happy images with uplifting messages on various rocks then place them around the park. This was just what we both needed after such a devastating month and very difficult point in our lives.

The little things in life that bring the most joy~

Today was our second week of celebration Sunday. An evening dinner outside on our coastalporchella! Heeheeheehee...That is my new name for our coastal country themed porch. A perfect ending to the most beautiful day. There are so many reasons to be blessed. I happen to be enjoying one of them this evening. A relaxing dinner for two and many reasons to toast to life.

There is always a reason to celebrate!

CoastalporchellaCHEERS!


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 28, 2017 6:15 AM EDT
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June 24, 2017
Answers.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Day 2728-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Today I was able to collect my thoughts and emotions long enough to finally call back our lead veterinarian.

It has taken me a few weeks to finally reach back out with regards to questions about our beloved Littleblue. Some questions, I most likely had already known the answer. While other questions might always remain a mystery. Isn't cancer pretty much just that...A mystery?.

We are thankful to had two separate teams of veterinarians who worked together with Littleblue's care. As well our dear friend and amazing surgeon, Dr. T. I am still in the disbelief-grieving stage with the loss of our Littleblue. It hasn't been easy coming to terms with the way she had passed as we quickly had to provide assistance. Helping her journey to heaven as quickly as possible. Maybe that is what haunts me the most. How she passed. The images of her looking up at me while taking in her last breath. It terrifies me. It haunts me every single day. There are not enough painting projects in our home to completely erase those memories. The images of such a sweet, beautiful, kind and most gentle soul suffering while we tried to desperately save her.

While talking on the phone to our veterinarian. There seems to be a lot that we both agreed on with regards to such an aggressive cancer. Littleblue's inability at the end to breathe on her own. Each time they attempted to slowly bring her out of the oxygen chamber. Things only got worse. Littleblue's health took such an abrupt and unexpected decline, that no matter what both veterinarian hospitals attempted to provide as far as a new treatment plan. Nothing seemed to work. Littleblue only kept getting worse. Hearing her cry in discomfort and pain while we were walking into the veterinarian hospital is a sound that I can't get out of my head. The sound of extreme distress as she so desperately struggled to breathe even while in the oxygen chamber. Dr. T gave our sweet and beautiful 10-year old fur child a second chance at life. 30 days prior to her passing. It is still hard to accept that she is no longer around. We accepted that something could had most definitely happened during or right after her emergency surgery 30 days ago to remove a malignant and very infected mammary tumor. But cancer has no rhyme nor reason. What we had anticipated was just the opposite of what took our Littleblue's life. The inability to breathe is not what we could had ever anticipated nor prepared ourselves for emotionally while holding her close to my side. Enough room for me to get as close to her as possible inside the oxygen chamber with her favorite stuffed animal, Mr. Zebra.

We never had the opportunity to allow her at least a day of freedom outside of the oxygen chamber. A day to spend with her fur siblings and human parents. A second chance outside of the oxygen chamber to just hug and hold her before quickly being called back home to heaven. We never got the opportunity to bring her home. Only after her passing so the rest of our fur children could understand and begin their own process of grieving. Cancer is not only unfair, but most definitely the most unkind, inhumane suffering of all. The path of cancer is still to this very day. Poorly understood and most definitely very unknown. The unpredictability. One day a patient can be fine. The next day they are gone. Is there a key to the cure? I most definitely believe so! I believe it is locked away under some sort of hidden vault. Far away and far underground. There has been far too much money plugged into cancer research not only from the government, but far too many foundations and organizations.

There is a cure. But not of this earth.

I have had quite a few emails from those whom are bravely battling ovarian cancer. Questions regarding my treatments, the overall symptoms I had been experiencing, post-treatment side effects and if mine was hereditary. I have received other emails, but will answer them either personal replies or on a separate blog at a later date.

As of January 2017, these are the facts based off of research of other late stage ovarian cancer cases. Information based off of other patients diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer. First off, I would like to say that only 15 percent of women diagnosed with ovarian cancer are based solely off of genetic factors. The most significant risk factor for ovarian cancer is an inherited genetic mutation in one or two genes. Breast cancer being gene 1-BRCA1 or breast cancer gene 2-BRCA2. Ovarian cancer is not looked upon as solely being passed down genetically. 15% of all patients are diagnosed with ovarian cancer genetically. Hereditary. The chances of acquiring ovarian cancer from a single microscopic cell during surgical removal of one or both ovaries? You have a far greater chance of winning the lottery a billion times over than ever being diagnosed with ovarian cancer by a single microscopic cell or single microscopic fragment left behind from a prior surgery. My chances have now made me 1 out of 13 in the world. Out of all the women in the world. That should explain the rare chances of ever taking a walk in my shoes. But that is not to say that patient #14 will not soon one day be the next to take a walk in my shoes. Anything is possible. It can happen, but it's extremely unlikely. Giving rare cancer research the ability to closely monitor my case allows for medical documentation to be available for the next patient. For my team of oncologists and other specialists. There was nothing to go by as far as medical documentation from the other 12 cases. There were no medical cases that provided any type of treatment plan, or the patient did not survive.

As far as symptoms. I had experienced far too many strange and quite odd symptoms to list, 5 years prior to scans and other medical imaging picking up what appeared to be another ovary with an odd looking mass. It took over 5 years before the reappearing ovarian mystery was solved by a medical professor and his colleagues. It literally took me 17 surgeons and 3 mayo clinics before the mystery was finally solved. All by my doing and being proactive as hell in search of an answer. This after realizing that an ovary that was removed and verified by documented pathology reports literally grew back from a single microscopic cell. It took literally 6 years until the only option that would work was presented to me in writing via a contract to waiver all medical liability in order to proceed ahead with very rare and quite experimental oncology treatments. Ovarian cancer is generally never treated with radiation therapy. The gold standard treatment is first a biopsy, then surgery to encase and remove the tumor(s) and lastly chemotherapy. Rarely do they use radiation and only for late stage ovarian cancer when there are no other options. Where surgery is no longer an option due to the size, malignancy and complications with an ovarian tumor(s). There were no surgical options nor any other possible options in my unique and quite rare case. We went for the highest chance possible of destroying the bad cells in hopes of completely disintegrating the tumors. But when one tumor becomes larger than the size of a softball and is hidden among your intestines and other organs. Radiation may not even be the answer. There are some forms of cancer that can never be defied. I may or may not have all of my answers. But for what I have gone through and what I have seen transpire with my own beloved Littleblue's cancer.

We are a long way from ever receiving the cure. A cure for cancer that to this very day is probably and most likely locked up somewhere under ground. Keep giving money and they will keep it hidden. Money that has been given for decades to cancer. There may never be a cure.

Answers. I may have some. But on this earth. I will never have all the answers that I have so desperately been searching and fighting for. 

If I were a comic strip....Wonder Woman

 


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 26, 2017 9:07 AM EDT
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June 23, 2017
OOPSIE!
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Day 2727-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Well...A big ole OOPSIE!

This entire week I have somehow been one day behind. I thought today was Thursday. Tomorrow...Friday. It's no wonder that we had to do a mad dash early this morning before missing my doctors appointments. Not one. But two. OOPSIE!

We had another round of some serious monsoon rain last night that lasted for over 15 hours. Of course, this meant another round of flash flood warnings that came across both of our phones through out the early morning into the late afternoon hours. Nothing quite like coming home to find the basement taking in water for the fourth time in less than 10 hours. Too much rain also equals some serious sink holes! We both didn't get much sleep. Today I was literally d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g... Try that on top of taking morphine to help with the pain so I can actually sleep. I was literally a walking zombie until early this evening when my body finally decided to wake the heck up!

I may not drink regular coffee, only decaf for this gal. But electrolyte water and other healthy organic juices really do the trick! As of right now. I am actually wide-awake! Ready to begin another round of nighttime painting. This evening I am going to attempt finishing the remaining two walls in the hallway. Then tomorrow is the start of both hallway closets and trim. I will be glad when the hallway is finally complete! I would much rather work on painting far larger areas of our home where I have more room to maneuver around with the paint brush and roller.

Today was round two of coming to terms with the past. Several years that had to be put aside for far more important issues. It's crazy how much I never came to terms with over the years. Especially with family. I have a lot of hurt and a lot of disappointment to overcome. My therapist appointment today dealt with finishing up on a long overdue cassette tape of an in-law that made a phone call to Eric's employer. I never really sat down and listened to the entire recorded conversation. A tape that was handed over to Eric for any future legal proceedings. A tape that should had never happened in the first place because as my therapist explained, "They had no business interfering in the family matter. Even as any sister or brother in law. That still serves no right on interfering with a family issue that is not their place to interfere." Listening to a taped conversation and hearing such disturbing things said about myself and our marriage was a lot to take in. I most likely will never be able to wrap my brain around the things that were said to Eric's employer. The most disturbing part were the lies, as well saying that my spouse married me for monetary reasons??. My disability benefits?!??. As if Eric had a hidden agenda?. WOW!! Eric had already listened to the entire recorded conversation when it happened. As for myself. It was a first and thankfully I chose to listen to the entire tape with my therapist. Trying to make some sort of sense out of any highly dysfunctional family is sometimes hard to make any type of sense. I would never interfere in the middle of any sister or brother in laws family matters. It would not be my place. Only the place between the sister or brother in law and their respectful party in their family. I am still in a bit of shock of the things that were misconstrued, lied and literally slander in every sense. That in law could had gotten Eric fired if it weren't for what was being said, being anything further from the truth. In my opinion, that was most likely their entire intent. Disappointed would be an understatement. As far as that tape. I was told to keep it and have a few copies made for future reference and to those who need a copy mailed to them. Parents.

Most would ask why bring up the past when it is clearly in the past. Well...I never had a chance to address things in a healthy sense. All I could do was scream so one could be heard that the stress of constant bickering was far too much for me to handle when I was going through oncology treatments and far more serious issues with my health. I have learned through great counseling that screaming out of desperation is far better than just holding back that absolute desperation of trying to get things to stop. That is how people have heart attacks. By holding emotions inside for a long time. Some folks...For years. The epitome of being at your wits end of constant family dysfunction that spiraled way past the point of out-of-control. With great counseling you also learn that having feelings and expressing your emotions is perfectly fine. It is OK! I have always been told the opposite. Out of sight and out of mind. Boy! Is that the wrong way to live! As if nothing bad happens. As if...Life doesn't happen. Not everything is good nor is everything positive. As my therapist expressed to us today. "How would we all learn if we didn't go through the bad experiences in life?"

Great point!  Well taken!

Did I mention that she is a blog reader? Yes, even a great therapist likes to keep in touch with their patients outside of their office. She finds expressing emotions through writing as a very healthy and quite therapeutic way to work through the past. As I have found out by many emails and comments regarding this blog. My story is not the only story out there in this world. If you think you are alone during any given point in your lifetime. YOU are not alone. YOU are never alone. Someone else is going through the exact same point in their own journey. Why not share and care along the way?. Amen. As she even made clear, if no names are mentioned and you are as well sharing many other stories. There is absolutely no wrong in blogging ones life or the lives of many others. It is quite therapeutic! Sure, some others may not agree. That is if you are one who assumes everything written is about you. Trust me by saying, blog entries are sharing from many stories.

Today I made another realization. That when sometimes you think that your team of treating doctors is complete. There is always room for another helping hand to help you with your journey. A helping hand to help make your journey as pain-free and functional as possible! My pain management is now being taken over by my new pain management specialist who promised me today that we will find a really great combination of what works best for me. Among still working with my gastroparesis and continued weight loss. I have to be careful of what I take since my immune system still remains extremely depleted and my body doesn't absorb many drugs the way they are intended to be made for pain. So far I am doing really well taking morphine in the evening to help with the pain along with getting some really solid sleep. The problem my other doctors have is trying to figure out some sort of medication to help manage the pain while I am awake. Without making me feel like a walking zombie. I have great faith that I am now in good hands with my new specialist! It might take him a little while, but I have a feeling that 24-hour pain relief is soon over the horizon!

That means more time to paintYAYYYY!

More time to paint and cut to the chase...My past. Allowing myself time to accept and make peace. Then closing those doors permanently as they need to be. That is one thing that we can all agree on! As far as that ridiculous tape. The one intended most likely to get Eric fired. But instead his employer asked for family to never call down at the county again. Handle family matters where they need to be handled. Outside of any place of employment or business. A lesson learned that it's never OK to interfere as any sister or brother in law in a matter that is not your business in the first place. Or as a parent once said, "They need to stay the hell out of it!" It will only be time before they too get to listen to that tape. I have no desire to ever hear it again. It makes me sick.

Another lesson learned and door closed forever more.

Well...Time to paint! Then time to relax with Snoreo via thanks to a kind neighbor for a very appropriate coastal country décor gift!

AnnaB


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 24, 2017 1:33 AM EDT
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June 22, 2017
Feeling Special~Feeling...LOVED~
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Day 2726-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Dreams~Reality

I have been having some pretty vivid dreams lately. 

You know...The dreams where you wake up to not being certain if you are still dreaming or what you are witnessing is really reality.

My dream ended with someone or something in this huge light that had no left, right, up, down or ending in sight. The strange part of it all was that I could not figure out who it was or what it was?. All I know is that it was pure peace. No other words to describe. But...Pure peace.

To me, this could only mean one thing.

My entire day was filled with some of the most rare, once in a lifetime, moments of peace. If Heaven could come visit here on earth. Then clearly today I received the most precious visits and signs from Heaven of all. I have never felt so blessed nor at such peace.

It all started with waking up. Instead of doing the usual routine. For some reason I felt drawn to peer open the curtains to look outside. The huge living room window which is right above my head where I sleep on my couchbed. The same couchbed that I have slept on for several years. What was awaiting for me seemed more like something from a very beautiful dream. But this wasn't a dream. This was real. A very real, spiritually blessed day. I believe a day with signs from Heaven that brought with them some of the most amazing once-in-a-lifetime pictures caught on my cell phone.

Today...Is a day that I will always remember.

I personally have never seen a white dove. I have heard of folks who hire those whom have white doves to release at weddings and funerals. I have never yet to actually wake up ever in my lifetime to see such a beautiful white dove sitting outside my window. Then gracefully stand up and turn it's head to look at me. As if to say, "Hello, I am so glad to finally meet." A messenger from Heaven? They say white doves are most definitely a sign from Heaven. A messenger from God. Do you believe? I do. This was a first and most likely the last time this will ever happen in my lifetime. There are many theories, spiritual theories about those who experience a visit from the messenger white dove sent from Heaven. A mesmerizingly beautiful sign of peace and love.

Blessed? BLESSED!

Thankfully, I was able to not only capture a few pictures of the beautiful white dove, just peacefully sitting then standing up to watch me from the window. But I also was able to take a short video of the white dove stretching it's wings while watching me. It was almost, as if, the world stood still. If only for a moment. I felt nothing, but pure peace. But mostly, love.

The day went on to bring it quite a few once-in-a-lifetime moments. Signs I believe from Heaven. We received the beautiful angel urn later this afternoon that I have yet to open the box. Sunday. The day that I have always felt to be holy. A day to celebrate life and just take it easy. That will be the day next week when I will open the box. I am thankful to have the opportunity to make decisions for myself. Eric said he generally has in mind what my final wishes would be if I didn't have everything already in writing. But when it comes to choosing an urn. I knew the right one when I first saw it. A most beautiful serene angel urn. Appropriately named, "Serene Angel." Right on the outside of the box.

This evening as I was walking into the kitchen. I felt a warmness over my shoulder. As I looked towards it's direction, the box that contains my angel urn appeared to had taken on a life of it's very own. A most beautiful ray of sunshine reflected perfectly onto the outside of the box. Almost as if in the form of an angel.. Across the words, "Serene Angel."

Do you believe in messages? Do you believe in messages from our loved ones? Do you believe in messages from Heaven of peace and love? 

 Believe.

Forever. Blessed.


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 23, 2017 3:57 AM EDT
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June 21, 2017
Let's Cut To The Chase...
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Day 2725-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)

 

Let's cut to the chase!

With the help of some paint!

Here comes the healing process...Let the HEALING BEGIN!

First off I would like to say, any blog reader or anyone reading this shared link whom finds themselves with any family member, whether alone, a flipping sibling, suing you for any opinion or fact based off of facts or for out-of-spite. The most ridiculous reason of all. I don't care if it's one dollar or $20,000. If you ever, ever get sued by any family member, ever in your lifetime, especially a sibling. Heed some simple advice for you...

Turn around and counter sue the hell out of em!!

Don't go for a few dollars. OH NO! Find out how much their net is worth. If they own a business or two or three or four or five. Sue them for every single cent they own and do so representing yourself. You don't need an attorney. It's called, "Pro Se."

Sound advice. Countersued for a few million. Millions of dollars that could be of great use for those who are homeless or acquire assistance with medical needs. I wish I wasn't so sick and had to wrap my brain around upcoming oncology treatments due to a medical mystery that ended up spiraling out of control. If I could pull the best Cher and "Turn back time," one would had countersued for millions. At the present moment, I double dog dare anyone to try to sue me. Remember, my fate is now in God's hands. I have nothing to lose. But I now have every bit of self respect to gain. AMEN.

Do you think this painting would go best with palm green, cool beige or sand crème?

As Mom said and said it best time and time again... Some people just don't do well when they come into money. It changes some people and it's not always for the best. For two nieces whom had the living edacity to tell people, including family, friends, employees, clients and even strangers...That I am not sick. I have a mental problem. Crazy Aunt is more like what I have saved to my computer document files from those who flagged me that you so nastily told. Those who flagged me were concerned. Some whom even shared a cancer story with a loved one whom bravely fought, lost or are still fighting the great fight. For the parents whom said it's, "OK" to talk about people in a group setting or family or friend setting. Talk poorly about your own child, or family member without their knowledge, behind their back to a cousin, friend or even a sibling. Heck...How about to their own treating physicians?!. Mind you.. At the same breath believes that it is, "OK" to talk behind someone's back yet, it is not ok to type the feelings of those who end up on that receiving end of the gossip. If my stepson ever in his life called an Aunt or Uncle crazy or made up some ridiculous lies telling everyone they weren't sick, they didn't go through radiation or other oncology treatments. And if myself or Eric ever found out... As a parent and step-parent, all hell would break loose! I don't care what the age, when you are an adult child, niece or nephew, and you throw such blatantly disrespectful, hurtful words, lies and absolutely cold hearted, mean things about someone that isn't true. For crying out loud, YOUR OWN AUNT. You can bet that any good parent would rear their adult child right on in! Correcting the adult child and their hurtful words that can have dire consequences! Who in their right mind does such a thing to an Aunt?. One has kept their mouth shut far too long. Years. Not because one doesn't have self respect. Not because one didn't care nor didn't feel the need to stick up for oneself. Maybe because clearly one was too busy dealing with far more important things, far more important issues with life. Ones own health and not mental. Silly!

Mom said it time and time again, "You should call, text or go talk to them. I don't know why they are saying things to people. I have no idea. Maybe because you and their Mom don't talk." I don't care who you are. I don't care how old you are. You don't slander your own Aunt whom did nothing to deserve such slander. You do not uninvite your Aunt to baby showers, graduations, worse of all...Your own wedding?!? Who in their right frame of mind does such a thing? I know... We all know. Those with a mental problem. A real mental problem and good counseling can help. Who gets divorced and moves on with their life from a spouse who has a serious drug addiction problem. Per Psychologist(s), a functioning drug addict. They break into your families home for over a year, no one, not even the spouse (immediate family member) knows what they are doing or stealing. They take money from Grandparents own dresser drawers, help themselves to medication-medically necessary pain medication for pain from cancer right under their nose. In plan view, from the Grandmothers kitchen cabinet while pretending to get a glass of water. We all know the story. WE all heard the story. It came and still comes from those who got robbed, lied to, written prescriptions even stolen. Why? Because the ex-spouse, drug addict said you never used them, so they used them for you, without your knowledge. The spouse who has no knowledge of what was going on then has to go to Walgreens to figure out the truth, only to watch on video the addict taking stolen prescriptions and filing them without anyone's knowledge.

Blue! Most definitely a cool ocean blue for the back bedroom! LOVE IT!

What kind of sibling goes back to any ex-spouse who is a known drug addict, thief and puts their arms back out to the same person who said they would kill them or their kids if they ever came over their house. Who? Clearly a person with a mental problem would welcome that back into any family. Good counseling would help you see a bit more clearly! What parent in their right frame of mind doesn't put a foot or shoe, BIG-AS-TEXAS, square up any adult child who welcomes back a person who caused so much hurt to their family?. Almost even killing the Grandmother for taking medically necessary pain medication then the family cuts the Grandmother off from her own pain medication due to thinking the Grandmother has a drug problem?. Stealing her own medication. I would go to bat for anyone who ever, ever, EVER has an addict, robber, thief ever do such a thing. I would time and time again, to the ends of this earth, stick up for those who really are the ones who suffer and get hurt from the addict time and time and time and time again. But of course, you have those who have mental problems that literally stick up for those who have done wrong to family. Doing the unthinkable by welcoming the addict back with open arms. Why may one ask? Purely...Out of spite. A good counselor would help those to see this is a huge form of disrespect to the family member you are disrespecting. Why would any family member, whether alone a sibling contact any person whom clearly got served divorce papers for good reason?. Then welcome the past into the present. NO WAY JOSE would I ever, EVER contact an ex-spouses family. Even if I was close to one of their siblings whom said let them take whatever. You will never, ever change an addict. The past is the past. You leave it there, along with those who do the unthinkable. Hurting other family members. Mental issues are those who welcome such people back into any family. An ex, is just that, an ex. For good reason. Leave em there! AMEN.

Any adult child, niece or nephew who welcomes an ex-spouse who used to be an uncle whom stole from your own family, back into your life. Per quite a few and two super smart doctors, you could easily appear to be the one with a mental issue. Who does such a thing? Ask a counselor if your actions are OK. Who also abandons a family member who did nothing, but protect family from any addict whom could possibly hurt you in a drug rage and possibly, once again, rob you blind. In the process, would and could easily hurt you to get their fix. Their fix. It's called, addiction. The addict doesn't suffer. The people whom they stole and did the unthinkable hurt to are the ones who suffer. Who in their right frame of mind welcomes the problem back into their lives and in turn. Abandons their own family member who stuck up, put up and would even go head-to-head with the addict for you?. Take a really good, strong look in the mirror. That is who. That is YOU.

Coastal Country. Yes! That is our new house theme!

What kind of sibling slanders their own sibling to their new spouses ex? A spouse with a young child in which, you are teaching some really bad lessons. Telling an ex-spouse that your own sibling doesn't need to be around their child because they sleep all day? Hey, Miss Captain Obvious! It's called...Being sick. How naive to believe or even think that when you slander someone for years. That those whom you run to, gossip to and put down your own family member in front of even at holiday gatherings, social gatherings and even a wedding, won't run to the person whom you slander. Emails don't lie. Text messages don't lie. Saved voicemail messages don't lie. To Tammy, an individual whom claims to be holy. The bible has a lot of lessons. Gossiping poorly about others whom are sick is not one of them. Anyone that is actually in their right frame of mind would feel sorry for any addicts new love interest. The receiving end of time and time and time again, blatant disrespect from any ex-spouse whom still has yet to break ties with an ex-spouses family. How disrespectful is that to have to live with someone whom constantly still can not cut ties with the ex-spouse by still wanting to be part of their family. I can tell you what our opinions would be in that situation...Respect yourself the SpongeBob way! There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Leave the past, in the past. When you have hurt someone to the core. Cut them, slander them down to the very living core. YOU owe them one thing in your lifetime.

It's called, "An apology."

To anyone or any family that holds a fundraiser for someone's medical condition or a fundraiser for a friend or family members medical condition. To anyone who helps assist their child or adult children with medical bills, medical costs, medical assistance. If you are one of the above, reading this blog and find yourself throwing HELP back into the receiving loved ones face. Clearly that is a mental problem. You never, ever do a random act of kindness for family, friends or strangers, with any type of expectation. You do not, per God's guidelines, have the right to throw it back into the recipients face time and time and time again. Ask anyone named Tammy. They will tell you that straight from the bible, we are to give with our heart. Our whole hearts. Tammy would most likely also tell you that when you associate yourself with an atheist, you in turn will end up becoming just as evil as the person who doesn't believe there is a God. Those who don't believe in God.

To all the chiefs and not enough Indians. Let this be a lesson learned. One may be sick. But one will never be weak. With bad actions, there is always a lesson to be learned. How not to treat someone.

Till tomorrow...Be brave, be true, never allow bottled up emotions to get the best out of you. That goes for everyone. It doesn't mean to try attempting to conquer a million battles at a time, because the most important battle when it comes to your health. ALWAYS comes first!

Never, ever, EVER allow anyone, including any family member or friend to bully you, slander you nor make you appear to be someone whom you clearly are not. It's called sticking up for yourself and YOU my friends have that God given right! Even God says so! AMEN.

Paint lemons into lemonade. You will thank yourself later!

H.B.


Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: June 23, 2017 7:10 AM EDT
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