Mood:
d'ohNow Playing: Day 2727-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
Well...A big ole OOPSIE!
This entire week I have somehow been one day behind. I thought today was Thursday. Tomorrow...Friday. It's no wonder that we had to do a mad dash early this morning before missing my doctors appointments. Not one. But two. OOPSIE!
We had another round of some serious monsoon rain last night that lasted for over 15 hours. Of course, this meant another round of flash flood warnings that came across both of our phones through out the early morning into the late afternoon hours. Nothing quite like coming home to find the basement taking in water for the fourth time in less than 10 hours. Too much rain also equals some serious sink holes! We both didn't get much sleep. Today I was literally d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g...
Try that on top of taking morphine to help with the pain so I can actually sleep. I was literally a walking zombie until early this evening when my body finally decided to wake the heck up!
I may not drink regular coffee, only decaf for this gal. But electrolyte water and other healthy organic juices really do the trick! As of right now. I am actually wide-awake! Ready to begin another round of nighttime painting. This evening I am going to attempt finishing the remaining two walls in the hallway. Then tomorrow is the start of both hallway closets and trim. I will be glad when the hallway is finally complete! I would much rather work on painting far larger areas of our home where I have more room to maneuver around with the paint brush and roller.
Today I made a realization. That when sometimes you think that your team of treating doctors is complete. There is always room for another helping hand to help you with your journey. A helping hand to help make your journey as pain-free and functional as possible! My pain management is now being taken over by my new pain management specialist who promised me today that we will find a really great combination of what works best for me. Among still working with my gastroparesis and continued weight loss. I have to be careful of what I take since my immune system still remains extremely depleted and my body doesn't absorb many drugs the way they are intended to be made for pain. So far I am doing really well taking morphine in the evening to help with the pain along with getting some really solid sleep. The problem my other doctors have is trying to figure out some sort of medication to help manage the pain while I am awake. Without making me feel like a walking zombie. I have great faith that I am now in good hands with my new specialist! It might take him a little while, but I have a feeling that 24-hour pain relief is soon over the horizon!
That means more time to paint
YAYYYY!
Then time to relax with Snoreo via thanks to a kind neighbor for a very appropriate coastal country décor gift!
special
My entire day was filled with some of the most rare, once in a lifetime, moments of peace. If Heaven could come visit here on earth. Then clearly today I received the most precious visits and signs from Heaven of all. I have never felt so blessed nor at such peace. 
I personally have never seen a white dove. I have heard of folks who hire those whom have white doves to release at weddings and funerals. I have never yet to actually wake up ever in my lifetime to see such a beautiful white dove sitting outside my window. Then gracefully stand up and turn it's head to look at me. As if to say, "Hello, I am so glad to finally meet." A messenger from Heaven? They say white doves are most definitely a sign from Heaven. A messenger from God. Do you believe? I do. This was a first and most likely the last time this will ever happen in my lifetime. There are many theories, spiritual theories about those who experience a visit from the messenger white dove sent from Heaven. A mesmerizingly beautiful sign of peace and love. 
Thankfully, I was able to not only capture a few pictures of the beautiful white dove, just peacefully sitting then standing up to watch me from the window. But I also was able to take a short video of the white dove stretching it's wings while watching me. It was almost, as if, the world stood still. If only for a moment. I felt nothing, but pure peace. But mostly, love. 
Believe. 
bright
Do you think this painting would go best with palm green, cool beige or sand crème? 
lemonade. 
chillin'
I have been doing my best to somehow maneuver through the pain. But it hasn't come without the need of taking new medication. Pain medication. Morphine. The good stuff. I have only been taking it at night in order to help me get some sleep. Between the largest tumor growing larger, other tumors slowly becoming larger and the uncontrollable intestinal pain from everything wrapped around in one huge mess. I feel pretty darn good about how well I have tolerated everything so far. The pain.
We have been only utilizing FMLA time when desperately needed. One never knows when the next complication might arise, as well no one is for certain how fast the tumors will continue growing. That is the hard part...Not knowing. One can't predict. No one can predict. We can only go by the symptoms and the need to somehow control the pain. On top of everything. I have a lot of things in my past that I need to put in the past. Permanently. My therapist feels that it is very important that I finally allow myself to go through all the emotions of what had transpired over the past several years. Most importantly...Over the past five years. I have bottled up a lot. Then there were other issues that I never had time to really react. I was too busy trying to stay on top of my health. I had far too many more important things to worry about. Like keeping up with the good fight. 
I have been trying to think of an activity that I enjoy. Besides watching all of the beautiful wildlife during the morning and evening hours from my couchbed window. Something to help me process what I have gone through over the past several years. Ironically, I used to not like painting. But with age...Comes change of what one used to not like. But now...Enjoy. Painting is relaxing to me. It's also an activity that doesn't require much physical strength and when you need to take a break. You can take a break. 
Pace yourself. I had just finished up painting the rental home back in Ohio less than a year ago. But that was a rental. We now own a home. Not rent. I decided that come tomorrow. I will start the project of painting our entire house. Yes, the entire house. We have so much paint that we never used and I heard that most of the HGTV-Sherwin Williams paint can last up to a year. All you have to do is take it back up to Lowe's and they will place it into their machine which mixes it back to the same fresh color. As if you just bought the paint. We have several cans of various colors of paint that we never used, among a few gift certificates to Lowe's that we were going to use last fall. 
Lemonade! 
We decided to make Sunday each and every week a time to celebrate. Celebrating life with dinner for two on our newly decorated coastal theme porch. Bright, happy colors and the most perfect smiling sunshine. Even if today was designated as Father's Day. To me...Eric has been every bit an amazing, devoted, compassionate, loving fur Father to all of our fur children. Today we decided to replace our sadness with a few smiles. Cheering to life and a DAMN GOOD FIGHT! AMEN!!
LIFE
not sure
While Eric took on the many tasks we now have before us for over the next 3-4 months with the house. I took on the task of Trample World who left a few voicemails regarding the defective camper. Yes, of all times...Like I am really in the mood to deal with Trampled World whom never have contacted me since the camper's pulley system and faulty slides ricocheted right out of the wall. Honestly, I don't really recall what was being told to me on the phone. So instead I told them to call Eric. I had far bigger things to attend to...Like attending to some serious pain. Eric on the other hand was ready to let someone have it and needless to say, today was Tragedy World's day. Not only did they not tell us what was going on with repairs. But Eric found out they didn't even repair the damage sustained while the camper sat on two different Terrible World lots for two months. The far bigger shocker was Eric finding out that they only replaced one out of the three defective slides. Not all three, which we have photos showing the cables and pulleys ready to also SNAP! Surprised? We think NOT. 
We don't expect to receive any further calls from Trampled World. Not in this lifetime and hopefully not in the next lifetime. As far as the camper. They can drop it off in the middle of the Ohio River. Then again...Even the Ohio River doesn't deserve to be tortured. Crazy how one single day can really put life into a far different perspective. The big things that we used to think were really big issues...They aren't so big anymore. What counts right now are the far more little things in life. The little things that will hopefully bring me a smile on the not so great upcoming days of my journey. 
I lost track of how many times I heard those words as image upon image upon every single last damning image of defeat came across the big screens. Not one, not two, but three. I also lost track of phone calls going back and forth between the tech and my doctors whom were just as anxiously awaiting to see what the final scan would show. Two separate times having to step out of the room so correspondence could transpire between tech and doctors. So many specialists whom have worked as a team to do everything in their power to beat the odds. Today the odds beat me. 
Last month an emergency CT scan was performed via hospital which my doctors believe got mixed up with another patients report that was actually an elderly lady in the room next to mine. We were told by the emergency room doctor that nothing showed up on the CT scan. To myself and Eric. This news made no sense. Unless of course, I finally got my wish. A miracle. For a month we decided to keep things to ourselves regarding that scan. But somehow, in some crazy, twisted way, I really wanted to believe that everything had disappeared. A miraculous cure. This was another reason why I canceled my final scan that was initially scheduled for last week. The mere thought of finding out that the CT scan was wrong would not only be shocking, but extremely devastating. My doctors today voiced their concern on either a huge screw-up or the tumors were once again meticulously hidden by lower intestines that are fused together as one. As for myself and Eric...We now firmly believe that due to the emergency room being busy and understaffed, somehow there was a mix-up with my report and the elderly woman's report that was in the room next to me at the hospital. 
My doctors? They didn't believe the report which showed nothing visible on the hospital CT scan, because clearly today's final scan showed just the opposite. Tumors are not only still present, but still growing with blood flow visible on the big screen. Everyone's worse nightmare. Mostly...Mine. 
They say it takes a full year to truly see if radiation, the most harsh cancer treatment known to mankind, has truly worked to kill cells. Radiation works by not only doing it's best to isolate and kill the bad cells by extensive burning, but radiation can also quickly scatter onto other good organs. It doesn't happen all of the time. But it can happen. For me...It happened. There are organs that sustained permanent damage from a maximum dose of radiation therapy along with my hips. I can no longer receive radiation due to already receiving the maximum, fast track, dose. This means that instead of going slowly into each radiation treatment. They gave me the maximum dose via the shortest course of treatment. I received the 3-D radiation which the 7 armed radiation bandit introduced radiation not once, not twice, but in a 3-D around the body per morning treatment. I remember the first few times it burned like a SON OF A GUN! It's probably a good thing that my team of oncologists and other team members behind the huge steel vault closed doors didn't let me know what was going on. With lasers going around me delivering each dose of radiation came with it...The unknown.
I still remain number 13. A very unlucky number 13 of such a rare phenomenon that remains defiant as ever. I have fought against the grain for over a year. Yet, tomorrow is another day of the unknown. We know what happened a month ago. But I have still yet to see my own miracle. All I could do was keep fighting. But I refuse to suffer. So today I prepared myself for my final pre-scan ritual. 
It's been hard. It has also been haunting. The images of watching my beloved Littleblue struggle to breathe and then finally take her last breath while looking up at me has been incredibly haunting. I don't believe that the image will ever escape my mind. We still have not felt emotionally comfortable enough to contact the lead veterinarian whom did everything in his power to help our Littleblue. The day of her passing he had reached out to me later that evening via phone. But I was so distraught and under stress that I just allowed the phone to ring and go over to voicemail. I plan on calling him back. Just not until I can get myself emotionally stable for the phone call. There are questions that still remain about the aggressiveness of the cancer. But right now the loss is far too soon. The hurt is still far too deep. 
Cuddles kitty has been showing signs of her journey soon coming to an end. Today we had to begin the process of giving her home IV fluids. The thought of losing one more fur child is distressing. Eric lost it when I just brought it up this afternoon. The real possibility of losing another. A second loss in less than a week. I had always told him that I know when my time will be near. When God starts calling back the remainder of our fur children. I firmly believe that the process has already begun. Death does not scare me. Suffering scares me. Watching such unconditionally loving pets that we call family members, our beloved fur children, suffer till their final breath scares me. The entire process with watching Littleblue's cancer aggressively spin out of control is something that even an entire team of veterinarian specialists could not prevent nor could had ever predicted. We were just talking about picking her up after the other animal hospital started her on a few new drugs the day before she passed. Just hearing our groomer of over 10 years talk to Eric on the phone about grooming her a week prior and now she is gone shows us how incredibly evil the grips of cancer can take a life. Cancer forever changes the life of everyone involved. The patient, the family and doctors who attempt everything in their power to possibly save a life.
Not even today.