Mood:
chillin'Now Playing: Day 2709-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
I am slowly getting back to 
life.
It hasn't been easy over this past week. In fact, what has been transpiring behind the scenes has been downright, brutal.
I made the decision this morning to cancel tomorrows last rescan. I refuse to bow down any further to what I could never control. Another same ole song and dance...The harsh realization and dance of another rescan. Realizing on the big screen of what never worked. That is depressing. It also signifies another aspect in my life that I can not control. More like...Spiraling out of control.
I will decide when it's my time to go. I refuse to senselessly suffer.
All of the scans, every 3 months, over the course of the past few years have not only been for the benefit of a team of specialists. A way to possibly understand something so rare. But it has also been a way for me to visually see what I am up against. What I am fighting. I have now come to realization of what we were told by Oncology. The vicious cycle remains. I am quickly coming to the point, internally, where I was before starting all of these experimental treatments.
1 year and 1 month ago.
Thankful, is having insurance to cover some of the continued costs. Reality, is realizing that I have the rest of my time here on earth to pay the remainder of what is never covered by insurance companies. Experimental, non-FDA treatments and drugs in hopes of being cured. I most definitely plan on documenting and blogging my entire experience of what it is like to lose it all. Going from almost perfect credit...To using every last single dollar on every single credit card that I proudly kept in great standing. A dear friend of mine in Indiana made a very important point to me today via text, "There is a point in your life when you realize that having perfect credit isn't everything. With life. There is so much more." I have that text message saved for when the collection agencies start their dance of harassment via phone and email. Being on permanent disability doesn't mean that you are permanently exempt from the collection harassment. It just means that your benefits are protected by the government. God help me when it comes time for the bank to take back Camping World's defect that is still sitting on their back lot (now 7 weeks) waiting on repairs that never happened. A mere 2 month old loan...A $32,000 loss and yet to this very day. Not one single phone call or update on what happened to that defective RV. Camping World. I highly don't recommend them seeing I could had at least took that money and put it towards a mortgage loan. A SAFE roof over our head.
You know... It's life. This is life. Everyday is a gamble. And you know what? Life...Isn't always fair. Even the most controlling person in the world. Doesn't necessarily always have control. God is the one who holds the steering wheel. I believe when the old saying was created, he most certainly meant it for me...
"GO BIG or GO HOME!"
I plan on GOING BIG! 
Before I GO HOME!
Hahahaha~First time I have laughed in a very long time
sad
Poor Snoreo has been taking the loss of his best friend very hard. He has been pacing around the couch with Littleblue's Mr. Zebra in his mouth and whining in hopes that she will appear. Snoreo understands the loss. Same as with humans. Animals also have their own way of grieving. We firmly believe that over the past week, Snoreo knew that something wasn't quite right with our beloved Littleblue. Snoreo knew she was sick. I may have saw the signs spiritually. But Snoreo felt them physically as he laid close to Littleblue during the last day she was home with us. We brought Littleblue's cremains back home yesterday after a private service. It didn't take long for Snoreo to quickly lay next to his best friend and wrap his paws in a tight embrace around Littleblue's cremains that will soon be placed along side her other fur siblings in a new urn. A new urn that was ordered this evening after realizing that we had run out of room in the beautiful blue marble urn. 
Together.
Feeling like I'm breathing my last breath
Thinking my journey's come to an end, oh
As soon as we arrived at the animal hospital. One of the surgeons assistants took us back into a room. Within only a mere minute we were told that Littleblue had taken a turn for the worse around 6am. The time when we received the call. I did my best to stay strong. But once they walked us back into the surgical room and towards the oxygen chamber. We saw how hard 
Littleblue was struggling to breathe as my heart literally sank. We have suffered a tremendous loss over the past 5 years with our beloved fur children. Oreo, Bear, Pumpkin and Precious passed away from cancer between the ages of 15-18 years young. Only 6 months ago we had lost our beloved Lucky kitty after just turning 4 years young from a blood clot that went to her heart due to a genetic heart defect. It seems so unfair that we have to once again come face-to-face with the most evil medical condition of all...Cancer. 
Once Littleblue could raise her head up enough to realize that the comforting hand was her human momma and her human daddy on the other side along with her favorite stuffed animal, Mr. Zebra. Littleblue began to go into further distress as tears started rolling down her eyes. I broke down. Eric broke down. The entire surgical room became quiet as Littleblue lifted her head one final time and looked at me 
with the most sad blue eyes while our veterinarian helped assist our little girl one final time. That moment will forever be engraved in my heart. A piece of my heart is forever gone. As Littleblue began to bravely fight one last time as she struggled to take one final breath. I quickly opened the other side of the large oxygen chamber and cradled her. My last words to my brave and most beautiful little girl, "I love you my Littleblue Angel." As I placed my other hand over her heart and waited for the last and final beat. 10 years quickly passed through me like a ray of light. Myself and Eric...Completely devastated. Life once again is forever changed. There are no words to describe the unconditional love that all of my fur children have provided me through out my lifetime. During my most difficult times, they have always been by my side. A love that never faulted. A bond that could never be broken. A love that I wish could last a lifetime. 
For everyone. Minus a very close and dear friend of 10 years who resides as well in Indiana. This is the first time I have shared the news of Littleblue's passing. I still have yet to turn on my phone due to the overwhelming loss and sadness. It will be awhile for myself and Eric. There has been so much sadness in our lives and so much loss that it has become overwhelming for both of us. The saying is not true. It does not get any easier losing another family member. A beloved fur child, who now takes with her, a piece of our heart. 
Littleblue has still yet to be released from the animal hospital due to the veterinarian staff still unsuccessful with medication in order to help her breathe on her own. Thankfully Mittens kitty has been keeping poor Snoreo company at home. The vibe at the house has felt very sad and empty. We all just want Littleblue back home ASAP! I have been 100% adamant in telling all the veterinarians that have been part of Littleblue's care that it is more so looking like the cancer has never left since her surgery. But only has gotten more aggressive. I firmly believe deep down in my heart that the cancer had always been present in her lungs. Although there is not a large tumor visually present such as with her mammary tumor that was removed a little over a month ago. But cancer does not need to be physically seen by the naked eye in order to be present. Cancer cells are sometimes not seen, but the effects can be seen. Even with all of the medication and doing our best to work with such an experienced team of veterinarians at the current animal hospital and those at another animal hospital 30 minutes away. Littleblue is still currently being treated in an oxygen chamber. Littleblue still can not breathe on her own and this has me extremely worried. My feeling of what to come is not good. Sometimes...Having a gift isn't always a special gift. Especially when I am not only seeing signs, but as well feeling them. 
Our dear friend and experienced veterinarian surgeon, Dr. T who has also been part of Littleblue's care has been adamant with regards to trying our best to have our beloved Littleblue transported to the other animal hospital. The goal was to keep Littleblue in the oxygen chamber for another 24 hours, along with trying her on a few new medications in hopes of helping her breathe on her own. The consequences of pulling her out of the oxygen chamber could be devastating. But her current team of veterinarians felt confident that Littleblue would be stable enough to handle the drive this early afternoon to be seen by veterinarian specialists at the other animal hospital. As far as what I was seeing and feeling...It wasn't the same vision. I wasn't comfortable at all transporting Littleblue and my gut instincts were once again, 100% correct. Once myself and Eric arrived to hopefully transport Littleblue over to the other animal hospital so their specialists could take over her care. It was only a mere 3 minutes before Littleblue went into distress in the back of our car. Listening to her struggle to breathe and then whining in complete distress was not only scary. But completely disheartening. Momma mode was ON! With one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand quickly on my cell phone. I made two urgent calls to both animal hospitals. We were then told, as they could hear Littleblue over the phone in distress, to quickly head back to the animal hospital where she had been on oxygen. Littleblue was struggling to breathe and needed to be placed back into the oxygen chamber ASAP! 
It didn't take, but a mere few seconds for me to finally break down once the lead veterinarian came into the room to speak with us. Not only was Littleblue back in distress, but her breathing had gotten worse. Even inside the only safe place for Littleblue to breathe, was not as safe anymore. Instead of transporting Littleblue to be assisted for her breathing. She went into distress as we were told that our beloved Littleblue would need to once again stay overnight so they could get her breathing back under control. The veterinarians were confident that it would help and then come time tomorrow early afternoon they would have her breathing back under control and stabilized enough to attempt another transport to the other animal hospital where specialists were awaiting her arrival. I had voiced my concerns with regards that I had an overwhelming feeling that something could possibly happen. But they still felt confident that she would be much better tomorrow and even were going to do mild sedation so she would be a bit more comfortable for the ride over to the other animal hospital. However, I was not so certain. I had felt and even visually seen other signs. Far too many signs of things to come. 
Due to overwhelming financial loss with our home that we purchased 6 months ago that continues to have major foundation issues, on top of doing everything in our humanly power that we could to find a safe roof over our head. We have no other choice but to remain under a shaky roof. This means that additional foundation and structural Band-Aids must continue to a cost of $18,550. Eric is working with the bank on the entire mess and crossing fingers that a hardship loan modification is approved. The bank had their own legal team that was adamant on going after those who sold a home that is structurally unsafe. They call it, "A hidden agenda by the sellers and other parties involved in the sale." But even the bank realizes that we must have a place to live. Even if it's still unsafe. I wish that I could take the blame. Eric wishes he could take the blame.
Due to health reasons, medical bills, doing my best to find a safe place for our little family, among many other things that have corresponded over the past 5 days. On top of continued out of pocket prescription costs that remain inevitable to the end. I have decided to stop paying on all credit cards and other accounts minus my car lease. Once again...I have come to realize that credit means nothing in heaven. But everything when you need those credit card payments for other major necessities. I have been on SSD for far too many years and not by choice. Regardless of the constant negative insults, put-downs. We are damn good people with HUGE HEARTS. We deserved better. Bad things happen to good people. I have seen it many times through out my lifetime. There are less than 5% of good people still left in this world. Make sure when you run into one of the 5% that you take extra special care of those good folks. Amen. 
While I stayed at home to attend to matters with our home, newly purchased travel trailer and other mundane issues. There was a far more important matter to attend to with questions on why Littleblue has not been feeling very well lately. Eric took the reigns today on having her re-examined by Dr. T and his team. Littleblue has been struggling a lot just in order to breath without so much stress, but with little success. What we continue giving her as far as prescription medication seems to no longer work for our beloved Littleblue.
Dr. T did a full examination and ran a new x-ray since it has been 30 days, post-surgical recovery. Instead of us taking walks with Littleblue and Snoreo. Littleblue has now been the one letting us know when and if she is capable of walking. Lately, those days and moments are becoming fewer. One x-ray and as of this evening. A new tumor, as once again we find ourselves dealing with cancer. 
hug me
People." 
bright
YYY! 
In the middle of far more serious matters of the heart and of our home. We always do our best to get out and catch some fresh air through out the day. I am so glad to hear that many of my friends in and out of state are enjoying this beautiful Memorial weekend! Not only am I super jealous of my dear friend Cynthia's home down on the coast in Florida. But even more envious of such beautiful spring blooms around her home. BEAUTIFUL! We don't have as many flower beds at our new home in Indiana. But Eric does plan on using the rest of our RV gift card and home improvement gift card from local friends in hopes of turning a bad situation into something a bit more positive! A little added project for this upcoming week!
Littleblue hasn't been feeling very well over the past 24 hours. We have been noticing that her breathing problems are getting a bit worse. This could be due to that time of the year, allergies, which doesn't help any type of pre-existing issues. Littleblue has been on a bronchial dilator for awhile that had been helping. So we aren't quite sure what the change has been to make her feel so bad?. But for now we don't want to risk having her outdoors for too long of a period at a time. Tis better to play it safe! Walking at the trails for Snoreo and less than 5 minute walks for Littleblue. They both don't do very well in the heat or humidity. But for Littleblue and her super thick Siberian Husky fur, it's much worse on top of having respiratory issues. 
We have no holiday plans for this weekend since there is still so much on our list of things to do. Eric has to work all weekend, on top of quite a few Band-Aids that once again need placed through out the house. Inside and outside. Hopefully the Band-Aids will help prevent it from collapsing a bit longer while we continue to strategize on what to do next. There are quite a few Memorial Day festivities going on around our little, lazy, river town. But as for now, I am doing my best to avoid any and all stress. That includes the stress of being in the middle of large holiday crowds. Sandwiched among hundreds of loud, hot, sweaty, drunk folks just doesn't sound very relaxing to us. Nor getting run over, ankles first, by hot-rod baby stroller drivers. Heeheeheeheehee! Hey, just being honest! 
Today was all about being productive, yet still finding time to enjoy the great outdoors. There is always time for a breather or two.. Even Snoreo has a pastime which includes watching all the deer come up to my homemade food station feeder. Snoreo doesn't bark, but instead just freezes up until Eric sneaks up behind him! Hahahaha! As far as the deer... I think they are just used to not only us, but Snoreo and the rest of our fur children. We have quite an interesting little family and same goes for who shows up at our homemade feeding station. Lately it's been the most unusual wildlife pair ever! 
