Mood:
blueNow Playing: Day 2715-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
Lately my days consist of having to take something to help me sleep and then something to help me wake up.
Let's face it...Depression sucks the life out of you.
I knew it would only be a matter of time before I received a hospital mychart message from one of my treating specialists. It was only a matter of time before word traveled around my team of doctors regarding me canceling my 3-month rescan last week. But who could really blame me? I do like to know what I am battling. The possibility to know what I am facing. But we all know that it's a never-ending game. A very frustrating, hard reality to swallow, whether alone except, never-ending game. Just when I think that somehow I finally have some sort of control over some aspect of my life. A message from my lead oncologist trumps my decision due to the necessity of at least one final rescan. This is due to medical information that has been exchanged with rare cancer grants with my unique medical case. The grants are what has helped cover part of my treatment costs and Marinol. The magical little pill that used to work before the vicious cycle began all over again after failed oncology and many other experimental treatments.
Honestly, I have given Marinol a few additional tries over the past month. But it remains to have lost the magic that it once used to provide for me. I fear another rescan. But it looks like once again, the power is not mine for the taking. I have other medication that I must take in order to be able to function on a daily basis. 3 out of the 5 drugs are not covered by our medical insurance. Grant money helps offset some of our costs while providing updates for government research on my unique case. In all reality. It's about providing information in hopes of helping the next patient. Instead of having the power of choice. I am rescheduled now for hopefully what will be my last and FINAL rescan along with labs next week.
Time to get back to what hopefully will be a good nights sleep.
Dreaming...
A little dream...
A far happier time for our entire little family~
Missing our beloved Littleblue
lyrical
I am forever grateful for days like yesterday. A chance to escape life...Even if only for a day. We have been through far too much in such a short amount of time. Yesterday was exactly what we needed to just let our minds be free from stress, sadness and far more serious things. 
We have a lot to catch up with on our lemonade home. This blog chapter will literally be living up to its name! "Turning Lemons Into Lemonade." There seems to be a calm after the foundation sinking storm with a lot of repairs to attend to inside and outside. We have no choice in the matter anymore. We must keep our house and pray that the good Lord continues keeping us safe. Amen. Our post-it notes are once again popping up all over the place. This time we plan to pace ourselves. One project at a time. We made the mistake early on after landing one hell of a foundation mess last year, October. One can not multi-task a home that needs attention to every little project detail. ONE repair project at a TIME! Not 10 projects going on at once. This is how we both ended up becoming quickly overwhelmed back in October. 
and don't repeat past mistakes. 
surprised
VIP?! FRONT ROW SEATS?!
Not only were we finally able to celebrate our anniversary. But there were a few other reasons to celebrate this evening...Together. A 50th birthday celebration, newlywed and best man, the start of a new business venture and of course doing so VIP-front row with GENE SIMMONS!!! 
experience! A far more laid back atmosphere, although, maybe it's because this gal is getting older. But who could tell with all of us in the front row instantly becoming teenagers again while sharing a once in a lifetime experience. 
GENE SIMMONS!! 
SIMMONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chillin'
I must get out of this funk...
Some may not understand how I have been feeling lately. But those who truly understand and 'get-it' are dear friends-framily. In and out of state. Thank goodness! Kev remembers me bringing over Littleblue as a puppy 10 years ago. He totally understands how hard it is to lose a beloved fur child. Even C, his son remembers meeting our beloved Littleblue for the first time. S-i-g-h... Everyone loved 
Littleblue. It was very hard for our groomer of over 10 years to listen to a voicemail I left regarding the loss of our most beautiful little girl. Not only did she take it hard. But so did the entire grooming staff who got to share in the love of such a wonderful fur child. 10 years is far too short. Littleblue had just visited with her wonderful groomers for a birthday spa day at the salon just a week prior. It's been devastating for all of us. Especially...Me. 
Heeheeheehee!
Snoreo on the other hand is still not himself. He misses Littleblue so much that he refuses to sleep anywhere, but on Littleblue's side of the couch. It breaks my heart to see him so sad. We do our best to keep him busy and today we took our first walk back to the river trails. Minus one very important fur child. Our beloved Littleblue. It was a very somber walk. Things will never be the same. 
Sad but true. At least the weather was nice. Instead of summer temperatures. It was more like fall. Another weekend is upon the horizon. And so is the summer heat and humidity. I am back in full force with my vampireeee ways... BOO! Night is the best time for depression. All is finally quiet while the rest of the world sleeps. 
d'oh
Anniversary?
Vodka & 7, Jack & Coke, Strawberry Margarita? 
ANNIVERSARY.
sad
Poor Snoreo has been taking the loss of his best friend very hard. He has been pacing around the couch with Littleblue's Mr. Zebra in his mouth and whining in hopes that she will appear. Snoreo understands the loss. Same as with humans. Animals also have their own way of grieving. We firmly believe that over the past week, Snoreo knew that something wasn't quite right with our beloved Littleblue. Snoreo knew she was sick. I may have saw the signs spiritually. But Snoreo felt them physically as he laid close to Littleblue during the last day she was home with us. We brought Littleblue's cremains back home yesterday after a private service. It didn't take long for Snoreo to quickly lay next to his best friend and wrap his paws in a tight embrace around Littleblue's cremains that will soon be placed along side her other fur siblings in a new urn. A new urn that was ordered this evening after realizing that we had run out of room in the beautiful blue marble urn. 
Feeling like I'm breathing my last breath
Thinking my journey's come to an end, oh
As soon as we arrived at the animal hospital. One of the surgeons assistants took us back into a room. Within only a mere minute we were told that Littleblue had taken a turn for the worse around 6am. The time when we received the call. I did my best to stay strong. But once they walked us back into the surgical room and towards the oxygen chamber. We saw how hard 
Littleblue was struggling to breathe as my heart literally sank. We have suffered a tremendous loss over the past 5 years with our beloved fur children. Oreo, Bear, Pumpkin and Precious passed away from cancer between the ages of 15-18 years young. Only 6 months ago we had lost our beloved Lucky kitty after just turning 4 years young from a blood clot that went to her heart due to a genetic heart defect. It seems so unfair that we have to once again come face-to-face with the most evil medical condition of all...Cancer. 
Once Littleblue could raise her head up enough to realize that the comforting hand was her human momma and her human daddy on the other side along with her favorite stuffed animal, Mr. Zebra. Littleblue began to go into further distress as tears started rolling down her eyes. I broke down. Eric broke down. The entire surgical room became quiet as Littleblue lifted her head one final time and looked at me 
with the most sad blue eyes while our veterinarian helped assist our little girl one final time. That moment will forever be engraved in my heart. A piece of my heart is forever gone. As Littleblue began to bravely fight one last time as she struggled to take one final breath. I quickly opened the other side of the large oxygen chamber and cradled her. My last words to my brave and most beautiful little girl, "I love you my Littleblue Angel." As I placed my other hand over her heart and waited for the last and final beat. 10 years quickly passed through me like a ray of light. Myself and Eric...Completely devastated. Life once again is forever changed. There are no words to describe the unconditional love that all of my fur children have provided me through out my lifetime. During my most difficult times, they have always been by my side. A love that never faulted. A bond that could never be broken. A love that I wish could last a lifetime. 
For everyone. Minus a very close and dear friend of 10 years who resides as well in Indiana. This is the first time I have shared the news of Littleblue's passing. I still have yet to turn on my phone due to the overwhelming loss and sadness. It will be awhile for myself and Eric. There has been so much sadness in our lives and so much loss that it has become overwhelming for both of us. The saying is not true. It does not get any easier losing another family member. A beloved fur child, who now takes with her, a piece of our heart. 