Mood:
chillin'Now Playing: Day 2723-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
I don't think there is a right blog mood for today. I am not sure anyone could really place a perspective mood when making funeral arrangements.
Chillin'
I guess?.
So... We had held off on final arrangements at the funeral home back in Ohio before moving to Indiana. Silly me assumed that since we found a Professor who figured out my great medical mystery, along with a team of oncologists. I wouldn't be needing to finalize my last wishes. AKA, funeral arrangements.
Maybe not so much funeral arrangements. More so called, private crematory service.
My final wishes placed in a Will have been in place for the past year. Only a few minor changes were made and notarized. What I haven't changed is the decision to not have a typical funeral visitation and service. For those who are fortunate enough, regardless what medical struggles or age, to pre-plan their own service. Put in writing all of their final wishes. Nothing is as hard and awkward as visiting your choice of funeral home to go over your own funeral arrangements. In my case... Crematory service plans.
Sure, this might be a very different kind of blog. But this is life. We are all guaranteed one thing in life. That is death. It is inevitable.
Eric was just as every bit nervous with high strung anxiety today, as he was a year ago. It's a good thing that I know exactly what I want, because if I left it up to Eric. He wouldn't had remembered a thing. HA! Looking over to see him barely flipping over the pages of various caskets was quite a sight. Asking him to go with me to look at the various caskets in the funeral planning room, along with seeing what involves private crematory services was no better. If Eric was a mist, he would had already quickly disappeared under the first door within sight! Heeheeheeheehee! I had to make a few funnies during the awkward, but necessary visit to the funeral home. In hopes of keeping Eric from losing it. Death doesn't scare me. Suffering as I have seen those that I love suffer up to their final breath. That scares me.
For me, finding out about private crematory services, along with the different types of caskets was fascinating. I didn't realize all of the different types of wooden caskets. Something simple, but pure. A wooden casket to me, is appropriate. Being buried under ground, to me, is frightening. The last thing we needed to plan, was private crematory service pre-planning. I want to make sure that my wishes are finalized and that Eric does not have to go through the stress of making decisions for me. I think the best thing we can all do for our partners or loved ones is to have our final wishes in writing. Not waiting until that decision has to be painstakingly made for you.
Somehow, over the decades. The way I view funerals has changed. Maybe by putting myself outside of the situation. Possibly by seeing things that I personally did not agree with nor feel as a necessity. I have been around those who have been sick. I have been there for those final weeks, days, hour, minute and even second. I have come to realize that human life needs human lives to be with them while they are alive.
This is my personal opinion. This is also why I have chosen a closed, private crematory service. I also do not believe in burial. I do not want to be buried underground. I would rather be with my spouse and fur children in a beautiful urn at home. Not a place where I am buried and hardly visited. My heart goes out to those who should always be respected. Yet, somehow their grave marker goes missing among overgrown grass and weeds. The forgotten. Thousands of dollars are spent for a typical funeral service. Flowers delivered to funeral homes that either are placed at the burial site or thrown away by funeral homes. Mind you, most cemeteries will throw a good majority of those flowers into their dumpsters. Sad facts, but they are true. I have been to my fair share of funerals. I have seen as well my fair share of those who fail to respect the person whom they came to pay their final respects. Those who sit on their cell phones or gossip about the person across the room whom happened to be paying their last respects.
When people are sick, they want to be surrounded by those who have loved them through out their lifetime, unconditionally. Not surrounded by hostility or spoken down about while they are with hospice. Trying to die with dignity and respect that they upmost deserve. I have seen it all and that all is why I have made my decision to have a closed, private crematory service.
One in attendance. Eric.
I not only refuse to suffer to the very end like those whom I have loved more than most will ever know. I also refuse to not have the power by choice to die with upmost respect, dignity and most importantly... Peacefully.
Integrity. It means having the ability to be honest with yourself in how you are treated. It means having the respect for yourself to demand respect.
In the now and the after.
special
We decided to make Sunday each and every week a time to celebrate. Celebrating life with dinner for two on our newly decorated coastal theme porch. Bright, happy colors and the most perfect smiling sunshine. Even if today was designated as Father's Day. To me...Eric has been every bit an amazing, devoted, compassionate, loving fur Father to all of our fur children. Today we decided to replace our sadness with a few smiles. Cheering to life and a DAMN GOOD FIGHT! AMEN!!
LIFE
not sure
While Eric took on the many tasks we now have before us for over the next 3-4 months with the house. I took on the task of Trample World who left a few voicemails regarding the defective camper. Yes, of all times...Like I am really in the mood to deal with Trampled World whom never have contacted me since the camper's pulley system and faulty slides ricocheted right out of the wall. Honestly, I don't really recall what was being told to me on the phone. So instead I told them to call Eric. I had far bigger things to attend to...Like attending to some serious pain. Eric on the other hand was ready to let someone have it and needless to say, today was Tragedy World's day. Not only did they not tell us what was going on with repairs. But Eric found out they didn't even repair the damage sustained while the camper sat on two different Terrible World lots for two months. The far bigger shocker was Eric finding out that they only replaced one out of the three defective slides. Not all three, which we have photos showing the cables and pulleys ready to also SNAP! Surprised? We think NOT. 
We don't expect to receive any further calls from Trampled World. Not in this lifetime and hopefully not in the next lifetime. As far as the camper. They can drop it off in the middle of the Ohio River. Then again...Even the Ohio River doesn't deserve to be tortured. Crazy how one single day can really put life into a far different perspective. The big things that we used to think were really big issues...They aren't so big anymore. What counts right now are the far more little things in life. The little things that will hopefully bring me a smile on the not so great upcoming days of my journey. 
I lost track of how many times I heard those words as image upon image upon every single last damning image of defeat came across the big screens. Not one, not two, but three. I also lost track of phone calls going back and forth between the tech and my doctors whom were just as anxiously awaiting to see what the final scan would show. Two separate times having to step out of the room so correspondence could transpire between tech and doctors. So many specialists whom have worked as a team to do everything in their power to beat the odds. Today the odds beat me. 
Last month an emergency CT scan was performed via hospital which my doctors believe got mixed up with another patients report that was actually an elderly lady in the room next to mine. We were told by the emergency room doctor that nothing showed up on the CT scan. To myself and Eric. This news made no sense. Unless of course, I finally got my wish. A miracle. For a month we decided to keep things to ourselves regarding that scan. But somehow, in some crazy, twisted way, I really wanted to believe that everything had disappeared. A miraculous cure. This was another reason why I canceled my final scan that was initially scheduled for last week. The mere thought of finding out that the CT scan was wrong would not only be shocking, but extremely devastating. My doctors today voiced their concern on either a huge screw-up or the tumors were once again meticulously hidden by lower intestines that are fused together as one. As for myself and Eric...We now firmly believe that due to the emergency room being busy and understaffed, somehow there was a mix-up with my report and the elderly woman's report that was in the room next to me at the hospital. 
My doctors? They didn't believe the report which showed nothing visible on the hospital CT scan, because clearly today's final scan showed just the opposite. Tumors are not only still present, but still growing with blood flow visible on the big screen. Everyone's worse nightmare. Mostly...Mine. 
They say it takes a full year to truly see if radiation, the most harsh cancer treatment known to mankind, has truly worked to kill cells. Radiation works by not only doing it's best to isolate and kill the bad cells by extensive burning, but radiation can also quickly scatter onto other good organs. It doesn't happen all of the time. But it can happen. For me...It happened. There are organs that sustained permanent damage from a maximum dose of radiation therapy along with my hips. I can no longer receive radiation due to already receiving the maximum, fast track, dose. This means that instead of going slowly into each radiation treatment. They gave me the maximum dose via the shortest course of treatment. I received the 3-D radiation which the 7 armed radiation bandit introduced radiation not once, not twice, but in a 3-D around the body per morning treatment. I remember the first few times it burned like a SON OF A GUN! It's probably a good thing that my team of oncologists and other team members behind the huge steel vault closed doors didn't let me know what was going on. With lasers going around me delivering each dose of radiation came with it...The unknown.
I still remain number 13. A very unlucky number 13 of such a rare phenomenon that remains defiant as ever. I have fought against the grain for over a year. Yet, tomorrow is another day of the unknown. We know what happened a month ago. But I have still yet to see my own miracle. All I could do was keep fighting. But I refuse to suffer. So today I prepared myself for my final pre-scan ritual. 
It's been hard. It has also been haunting. The images of watching my beloved Littleblue struggle to breathe and then finally take her last breath while looking up at me has been incredibly haunting. I don't believe that the image will ever escape my mind. We still have not felt emotionally comfortable enough to contact the lead veterinarian whom did everything in his power to help our Littleblue. The day of her passing he had reached out to me later that evening via phone. But I was so distraught and under stress that I just allowed the phone to ring and go over to voicemail. I plan on calling him back. Just not until I can get myself emotionally stable for the phone call. There are questions that still remain about the aggressiveness of the cancer. But right now the loss is far too soon. The hurt is still far too deep. 
Cuddles kitty has been showing signs of her journey soon coming to an end. Today we had to begin the process of giving her home IV fluids. The thought of losing one more fur child is distressing. Eric lost it when I just brought it up this afternoon. The real possibility of losing another. A second loss in less than a week. I had always told him that I know when my time will be near. When God starts calling back the remainder of our fur children. I firmly believe that the process has already begun. Death does not scare me. Suffering scares me. Watching such unconditionally loving pets that we call family members, our beloved fur children, suffer till their final breath scares me. The entire process with watching Littleblue's cancer aggressively spin out of control is something that even an entire team of veterinarian specialists could not prevent nor could had ever predicted. We were just talking about picking her up after the other animal hospital started her on a few new drugs the day before she passed. Just hearing our groomer of over 10 years talk to Eric on the phone about grooming her a week prior and now she is gone shows us how incredibly evil the grips of cancer can take a life. Cancer forever changes the life of everyone involved. The patient, the family and doctors who attempt everything in their power to possibly save a life.
Not even today.
bright
d'oh
YIKES!
GROSS!
blue
lyrical
I am forever grateful for days like yesterday. A chance to escape life...Even if only for a day. We have been through far too much in such a short amount of time. Yesterday was exactly what we needed to just let our minds be free from stress, sadness and far more serious things. 
We have a lot to catch up with on our lemonade home. This blog chapter will literally be living up to its name! "Turning Lemons Into Lemonade." There seems to be a calm after the foundation sinking storm with a lot of repairs to attend to inside and outside. We have no choice in the matter anymore. We must keep our house and pray that the good Lord continues keeping us safe. Amen. Our post-it notes are once again popping up all over the place. This time we plan to pace ourselves. One project at a time. We made the mistake early on after landing one hell of a foundation mess last year, October. One can not multi-task a home that needs attention to every little project detail. ONE repair project at a TIME! Not 10 projects going on at once. This is how we both ended up becoming quickly overwhelmed back in October. 
and don't repeat past mistakes. 