Now Playing: Day 3006-Chapter 3... Happiness~My Silver Lining
There are times in our life when we find ourselves struggling to find the right words... trying to make sense out of something that seems so senseless... yet so unfair.
My Critical Care specialists received another report from one of many tests that were performed this week. We are fortunate to have the Head of Radiology be the one reading each and every single test very carefully over this holiday weekend so my specialists can quickly figure out why home treatments are not working for me. The treatments will work for a few days... then I am once again left struggling to catch my breath on some of the most simplest tasks. I have been a super neat freak my entire life. Some may even call my excessive way of making sure everything stays super clean and spotless as an OCD clean freak... hehehehehehe! I am known to leave no dirt behind and even enjoy vacuuming on a daily basis. I like my home neat, clean and very tidy! That pretty much goes for all of my belongings as well making sure that our fur children are beyond taken care of and always well groomed.
Lately... even doing the most simplest of tasks has left me feeling winded.
We still have a few other reports to come back from the Head of Radiology... but were advised that everything will be available to my specialists no later than tomorrow evening... Easter. I am scheduled to sit down in person with my Critical Care specialists next week, Monday morning. This morning one of the long awaited nuclear scan reports of my lungs came back with further news that isn't what anyone could had anticipated. Sometimes... finding out new news on an ever declining body that is failing me seems as if this is someone else's body... not mine.
Believing that the largest ovarian tumor would surely one day be my ultimate demise... only to then come to the realization of something far more aggressive and far more scarier has me scrambling to attempt some sort of control with the end of my journey. I fear the worst come early Monday morning with my specialists... yet... I am not alone. Eric is growing beyond fearful as one report after another is slowly coming back with more bad news than one person can handle in a lifetime.
When I sit here while Eric is at work and really let reality hit me square in the face. The fear... the fear is real... yet somehow through this medical journey I lost the control of stopping what is far greater than I could ever battle.
Tomorrow is Easter and to most folks that means large family gatherings, big elaborate dinners and even bigger Easter egg hunts and bright colorful candy filled baskets. But for us... this year will be our last Easter to celebrate as a family. That sentence is the hardest sentence to type whether alone to accept. Somehow through such a dark time in our lives, we still find the strength and will to carry on because sometimes finding a way to carry on is the best one can do with a grim reality.
As we shake our heads in disbelief. We are now questioning everything. What is really the point in one final test that is scheduled for later next week? Will there be any further treatment options or will I have to greatly suffer through the rest of my journey? What about current medical expenses and future medical costs... and then sitting down Monday morning with my specialists to find out the prognosis due to my lungs now being greatly affected. Through it all and then some... we must still find a way to carry on with as much laughter that life will allow us and everyday reasons to still smile.
You know... this song pretty much sums up the last few years of my journey as I sit here and wipe away my tears... telling myself... you fought one hell of a battle! Don't cry... be proud!
You know I'm back like I never left (I never left)
Another sprint, another step (another step)
Another day, another breath (another breath)
Been chasing dreams, but I never slept (I never slept)
I got a new attitude and a lease on life
And some peace of mind
Seek and I find I can sleep when I die
Wanna piece of the pie, grab the keys to the ride
And sht I'm straight
I'm on my wave, I'm on my wave
Get out my wake, I'm running late, what can I say?
I heard you die twice, once when they bury you in the grave
And the second time is the last time that somebody mentions your name
So when I leave here on this earth, did I take more than I gave?
Did I look out for the people or did I do it all for fame?
Legend, it's exodus searching for euphoria
Trudging through the mud to find the present, no ignoring us
Got 20,000 deep off in the street like we some warriors
My mama told me never bow your head, woo!
I feel glorious, glorious
Got a chance to start again
I was born for this, born for this
It's who I am, how could I forget?
I made it through the darkest part of the night
And now I see the sunrise
Now I feel glorious, glorious
I feel glorious, glorious
"Our Crazy Little Life"
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Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg.
at 11:45 PM EDT
Updated: April 1, 2018 12:33 AM EDT