Mood:  hug me

Decisions...Decisions.

Sure! Why not? Look what arrived in the mail today from our insurance company. Third try was a charm for my doctors when it came down to forcing our insurance company to cover one final option, experimental oncology treatment. Isn't it crazy, how once again, life happens. This time...delivered via mail.

Did this change my mind in the least bit to possibly reverse my decision? Not in the least bit! No way, no how, no more experimental treatments for this gal. Let life lead me the way to happiness through out the remainder of my journey. No more toxic torture oncology treatments. No way, no how.

Decisions...Decisions.

To port or not to port? That is the next question. The question to ponder my decision on over this weekend.

Sure, I know it means less poking and prying. Trying to retrieve blood from a good vein. God knows last attempt at the hospital required having to get someone from the lab to draw from a different vein in my other arm. The nurse needed 10 vials, however, my vein was only able to fill 3. It took a few hours of rest before the lab technician could find a good vein. Ports are great in helping to avoid issues such as this and in helping to administer medication, however, there is also a risk of infection. Last thing this gal needs!

So....looks like decisions...decisions will be pondered over this weekend.

I am more so focusing this weekend on taking the time to enjoy the little things. All the surprises and gifts that life brings. Passions of mine, which include the furry kind. God's creatures, both big and small.

Even those who need our help and assistance the most during these upcoming cold winter months. God's rescued Angels~

This weekend, don't forget to take time out for yourself. Do YOU!

Do what makes your heart the most happiest

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:37 PM EDT

Updated: October 27, 2017 11:50 PM EDT

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Mood:  sad

It was just meant to be. Today was the day to contact my doctor's office in order to let them know my decision.

Ironically, they are the last ones to know. As a blog reader, you were the first to know my carefully thought out decision regarding one final experimental treatment option. Why? It is very hard to let a team of specialists know that I finally gave up. Because in all reality. That is really what is going on with my decision. I gave up on trying to defy something that is humanly impossible for me to defy.

Radiation therapy and other experimental oncology treatments failed to defy what can no longer be defied, internally.

For me, today was the toughest day of my entire life. Literally handing over a decision that will change my life. Forever...in an instant. Ironically, my doctor's office ended up beating me to the punch after leaving a voicemail on my phone while I was sleeping. Ha! Isn't it crazy how things happen? All while you are sleeping.

"Hello this is so and so, with regards to your decision moving forward with scheduled treatments. I don't want to make you feel rushed on your decision. However, the pharmaceutical company has been faxing our office on a daily basis, trying to reach you in order to get your authorization. They will need your verbal consent first before shipping out the drug in order to start your first scheduled treatment."

Funny enough, how everyone makes medical marijuana such a huge issue. Although...we are willing to try such lethal experimental treatments on patients at end of stage cancers with various experimental drugs. I have run into those who work in the health care industry that are against my little magical pill, Marinol. Yet, that potent main ingredient found in marijuana, placed into a tiny little gel cap, has provided me a lot of positive relief over the past 15 months. More so than any experimental oncology treatment. Yet, why are doctors so quick to push these experimental treatments that literally can do more harm than good?. Yet, are so controversial about legalizing medical marijuana which holds many positive benefits for all patients. Whether alone are very hush-hush with even prescribing my little blessing in disguise...Marinol, marijuana via tiny pill form without any additives. Clearly, we have a lot of work still left to do in the healthcare industry when it comes to making sure patients that are at the end of their medical journey are given the best possible options to live the best end of life possible. AMEN.

After listening to the voicemail, and wiping away my tears. I decided to email my decision to their office...instead of calling. Emailing their office was a lot easier to give my final decision on one last option at another experimental treatment. Mainly due to mixed emotions running rampant in my mind. The worst emotion...feeling as if I might possibly be letting my team of specialists down. Yes, these are honestly true feelings that overcome you when making such a critical life changing decision. The end of my journey. It wasn't easy typing out my decision with a very brief, to the point explanation. But today had to happen. It's part of the journey.

"After carefully reviewing information on the experimental drug, which really isn't meant to be used for my advanced condition. I have come to the decision that the overwhelming risks. Far outweigh any possible benefit. I do thank all of my doctors for giving me one final option. Thank you for reaching out to me this morning. Have a blessed upcoming weekend."

Today was a very somber day. Yet, I know that my decision was the right one. I stand firm on my decision as there is no possible way that my body could handle such a powerful experimental drug therapy, more than 4x the normal suggested therapeutic dose. That fact alone, was one of many that helped to make my final decision.

What does this now mean for the rest of my journey?

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: October 27, 2017 6:10 AM EDT

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Mood:  d'oh

Today was the day!

Talking about being nervous as my blog baby was finally handed over to the publishing company. Blog baby... that's how I view this blog which has over 2,800+ entries and still going strong!

Talk about a LOT of hours logged behind the screen!

I had already decided to sign over rights with my blog to a very reputable publishing company a few years ago. The reason for the delay was in order to make sure that this was the route destined to be taken. I needed to make sure that the vision for this blog is mutual between myself and the publishing company. The right publisher who can carefully dissect this blog and figure out how to best work the chapters into a series of sorts. A long journey about my life. All the ups, downs, ins and outs. Now safely in the hands of those who will be carefully deciding which direction needs to be taken next with this blog. In the meantime...plans are still full steam ahead in launching this blogs new home which is set to happen next month. I am not sure on the exact date, but it will most definitely happen in November.

It may work. It may not work. As I have always believed, trying is half the battle. Regardless if the new site works or doesn't work. I am determined as ever to give it my all.

'A' for effort!

Tomorrow is going to be a very long day. I have two back-to-back doctor appointments. Then we have an electrician coming over that has been scheduled by our warranty company. Eric needs to drop off his car down the street for an oil change and issues with the tire monitoring system that needs serviced. Thank goodness for the warranty and realizing that we had a years worth of free oil changes. Two paid oils changes later..HA! We still have yet to decorate our pumpkin for Halloween as well buy candy for all the trick-or-treaters. There is also a few outdoor projects that need to be finished before winter. Water proofing the outside of the basement wall and filling in settlement cracks where needed. The other minor repairs still left in our great house-flipping project can slowly be finished through out the upcoming winter months. This will at least give Eric something to do while I am resting. It's been tough lately with my health. More bad days...than good. Trying to get the pain under control and non-stop nausea has also been tough. I still need to keep up with daily fluids, but in all reality, I do better just not drinking anything at all. However, I know that is not feasible.

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: October 27, 2017 4:54 AM EDT

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This was a rather appropriate blog to not have a 'mood' smiley attached below the title.

I mean...really...who can place any sort of smiley mood below a title regarding a life changing or a life ending decision.

It has taken me a while to come to a final decision regarding one final experimental treatment. A highly toxic, very long list of side effects, both short term and long term, chemotherapy drug. A non-FDA recommended drug that was given to me as one final option. An opportunity to 'possibly' bide me a bit more time...6-12 months...but without more than a slue worth of side effects. A very high mortality rate than any other treatment that I have received since the great medical mystery was finally solved last spring, May 2016.

It has literally taken me this long to finally come to a definite decision this evening. The reasons are pretty self-explanatory. I wanted to make sure that I gave myself every reason in this lifetime to either move forward with an extremely risky treatment. Or find every possible reason in this lifetime to decide against moving forward with one final treatment option. A chemotherapy treatment drug that would be given to me, 4x's the normal dosage for most patients.

But who I am to be fooling myself?

I am far from any 'normal' patient.

Eric has firmly stood his ground when it came to his decision. He was overwhelming against using such a very controversial, yet very powerful experimental treatment. A means to possibly, once again, find a way to stop feeding not just the tumors which have more than doubled their size over a mere 4 months. But as well try to shrink lesions. It's a huge risk and a far more riskier chance with odds not in my favor by using this drug. Compared to the risks vs. benefits when I agreed to a fast-track, maximum lifetime course of radiation therapy. However, things have gotten a lot worse since my last rescan. A mere 4 months ago, in which, no one could had anticipated for the largest tumor to gain such strength and continue growing so rapidly. Finding a way to starve off tumors is almost nearly impossible. In the oncology sense of things. Oncologists only have what is available to them via government funded research which brings experimental drug therapies such as this one. Needless to say, this was the only last option that my team of specialists had left to offer me.

My decision stands firmly today. I have decided against the experimental drug due to the overwhelming fatality risks vs. any type of possible benefits.

What does this mean for me? It means facing a surreal reality. My journey now means the journey to the end of a very long battle not just for myself, but for our entire little family.

Through out these past 18 months. I have learned so much about myself. That spit fire, one HELL of a FIGHTER, that I had become! The ups, downs, ins and outs. Times when I not only truly believed, but literally defied the odds. This time, however, I am not that fortunate. The internal war within has not only defied the laws of oncology treatments, but has taken over most of the lower region of my body, while literally fusing my organs together. The lesions and tumors have not only gained strength, but once again show blood flow, supplying the feeding vessels. Sadly, everything has progressed to the point of being out of control and nearly impossible for my team of specialists to manage.

I went through all the proper chains over the past several days. Finding everything humanly possible about this particular chemotherapy drug that is really not meant for my unique set of medical circumstances. The drug manufacturer, their medical team, our insurance company, their drug coverage team and even their specialty drug coverage team. Although, it meant having something for my doctors to offer me, one final option, one last attempt in hopes of biding me more time. Attempting the impossible, which is starving off what has already grown to have the strength to more than double it's size. The side effects, financial costs and mental as well physical strain on myself and Eric just has proven to be too much for such a huge risk with this drug. Our insurance company had literally already denied the experimental drug coverage twice, before finally approving it yesterday. The problem is financially, our out-of-pocket costs, along with instant side effects, short term and then long term, would be even more costly. Not having another drug to counteract possible fatal side effects was another huge deciding factor for me. I can't imagine having one course of treatment possibly taking my life in a mere instant. All to bide time, when time could had been mine if I had opted not to move forward with such a risky treatment. Suicidal thoughts, severe depression, severe muscle pain, permanent bone mineral density up to 17%, cracked teeth, jaw pain, severe gastrointestinal disturbances such as vomiting, bowel obstruction, renal failure, body temperature dysregulation, severe hyperglycemia, new onset diabetes, high blood pressure, blood clots, cardiac arrest, migraine, dizziness, seizures, facial paralysis, blurred vision, permanent hearing loss, hypersensitivity to sound, severe sensory and motor disturbances, early onset dementia. Hair loss...what I was told... could be permanent. Hair loss was the least of my worries from the three tier, long list of side effects.

I am scheduled for my next rescan and labs late next week. This after already rescheduling from this weeks rescan appointment. Needless to say, this gal needed a week break from being poked and pried. My unique, yet rare, medical case is still in the hands of the rare cancer institute. If anything, I can only hope that my medical documentation can help the next patient. Hopefully, there will never be a next patient, #14. If so, at least my medical case documentation will be available for the patient and their team of specialists. It's been hard for my doctors just trying to wrap their brains and medical expertise around a case such as mine that has not only been quite rare, but extremely difficult to manage. I am very grateful and beyond thankful for all of their hard work. Next month, I begin oncology care with a new oncologist located within our area which will help out tremendously when it comes to dealing with the pain. Traveling in the car, for longer than 15 minutes, is now far too long for me. Yet, I am still in the beginning phase with my new pain management doctor. The first round of injections did not work to help manage my pain. It's once again, solely trial and error. That means taking a bit more time, yet still remembering to have the utmost patience.

There really is a lot to write about regarding this chapter of my journey. But for now... this is enough. As my decision has been made. I stand firmly. There will be no further experimental drug therapy. Not with a chemo drug that is far too risky for my liking. It's about the quality of life for me. Not the quantity of days that could possibly be left with more suffering by the hands of an experimental drug treatment. My current symptoms are difficult enough to handle on a daily basis.

Sometimes...even with my decision against moving forward with one final treatment option. There really wasn't much of an option, yet alone, much of a decision. But all you can do, is continue living life the best way you know how, giving it all you can with what you got.

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: October 25, 2017 3:14 AM EDT

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Mood:  rushed

Here we are...as we are quickly approaching the final week for the 8th annual:

UNITED GP WALK

WALK-RUN-RIDE

OCTOBER 2017

Shirt orders are still coming in...as we speak. However, due to the printing company needing 7 days to print and ship orders, we can not make guarantees. As a reminder...all shirt orders and other gear are sold at cost, with free shipping. We do-not-profit from shirt or other gear sales. As we remain the only sole Gastroparesis non-profit organization that is and will always remain...free.

Myself and Eric, along with the rest of our little family, took our walk for Gastroparesis Awareness over this past week. When a good day blesses me...I make sure to max out my time, that included walking for Gastroparesis Awareness during our 8th annual worldwide event.

We had a picture, perfect day, crisp air and the most beautiful clear skies! I hope everyone's, United GP Walk-2017, is the most perfect too!

CHEERS to celebrating 11 years of raising Gastroparesis Awareness!

And most importantly...

Thank YOU!

 

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 6:05 PM EDT

Updated: October 22, 2017 6:16 PM EDT

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Mood:  happy

HAPPY SWEETEST  DAY!

This is the very first year. That I actually forgot all about today being Sweetest Day. You know...those gentleman who are rushing to the nearest store at the last second in hopes of finding the perfect card and gift. Hahahahaha! That was me...just the female version today! Hahahahaha!

Needless to say...I spent an entire year, last year, believing I was actually a year older than what it says on my drivers license. And...I be darn! If I didn't do so again this year! GEESH! My oncologists' assistant actually caught my lack of memory regarding my age on the phone yesterday morning. BAH!

 "Ummmm...it says here on your insurance information that you are a year younger? Is that correct?"

Darn! If I didn't literally make myself an entire year older again this year, for almost the entire year! Hahahahahaha! Sure, I guess I can laugh about it now. But Eric finds it quite concerning, however, the memory does get effected by internal issues within. My oncologist feels no need to worry. It's perfectly normal. Just don't assume that I know my age if you ask me. BAH!

Since I failed to remember that today was Sweetest Day. Thankfully we have a retailer two seconds down the street! Thank goodness for also having lots of Sweetest Day cards left over among their huge selection! Eric isn't picky. Not in the least bit. He just reminds me that having me with him another year is the best gift that one can get. XOXOXOXO

So today...we decided to have a low-key Sweetest Day celebration of sorts. Nothing really fancy. Just lots of love and plenty of rest. Shared together...as a family.

Mittens and Big LOVE had plenty of fun with red ribbon, actually even laying across the floor as if cuddled together like the shape of a heart. Beary kitty lounged on the big cat tree in front of the dining room window. While Snoreo took a nice nap with his daddy after running at our local dog park with the rest of his canine friends here in the country.

I can't believe that this month is quickly coming to an end! At least we were able to finally enjoy the fall season, and perfect weather! This will be our first year, yet sadly, our last year celebrating Halloween here in the country. Our current home, a lemon of a gem that is almost complete, turned into SWEET LEMONADE...will be placed on the real estate market next year, early spring. We have one final move, our goal destination that awaits us. The Nevada desert, majestic red rock, picture perfect mountains and a fresh new start for our entire little family. I plan to fight with everything I got in hopes of making sure that this gal...realizes her DREAM~

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: October 22, 2017 5:46 PM EDT

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Mood:  cheeky

Life is far too short. Life is far too serious.

What we all need sometimes...is a little laughter.

A little good-hearted humor of sorts. A friendly Friday for the taking!

I had a parent once tell me, that some folks just don't do well when they come into money. That same parent also made mention that some women don't do well with menopause either. Thank God!! I don't have to ever go through that, not in this lifetime! Because after dealing with someone today that acted like menopausal pure-evil. I would gladly ship myself off to my own private island.

EEEEE~YIKESSS!!!

Heehee heehee!

Our day...was like a really scary episode straight out of the great comic, He-Man.

Having to deal with Skeletor. Far away in the city...

There are times, I must admit, when I question if this is all really real to begin with?. How can some folks be so unhappy with their lives, yet put on a fake smile to others. Pretending to be happy on the surface. Yet are anything such. Skeletor is a character on He-Man that proclaims all his great, mighty power. There are a lot of Skeletors' that walk among us...those who believe they are far greater than anyone else in this world. I have run into the same female version of Skeletor many times over the years and it hasn't been pretty by any means. Who are we to believe we can control and dictate the opinions, thoughts and feelings of others? Seems...Skeletor believes they can and at least try to do so all the same.

Abilities: Evil magic. Affiliation: Evil Warriors.

BAH~HAHAHAHAHA! Oh No! It really does say this online about Skeletor. Even though, before my research, I never really knew much about Skeletor. Whether alone...He-Man. Hahahahaha!

***Skeletor is the most evil being and most dangerous threat. The only goal is power, and to that end will not rest until possessing the secrets of Castle Grayskull, whereby could become master of the universe. This places Skeletor in direct conflict with the only individual strong enough to stop it, He-Man***

BAH~HAHAHAHAHA!  STOP ALREADY! 

oh YES! I know what some of you are thinking and who is who in the undertaking of this blog entry. Hehehehehehe! That makes you-know-who Skeletor and I am He-Woman! HAHAHAHAHA! I don't care who you are...that there is f-u-n-n-y!

After so many making the same comment about Skeletor. I finally get it! Yep, totally understand the rivalry!

Turtle. To me, this character may not be so much He-Man related. I view Turtle as an individual who is slow to respond. Yet hides their feelings and true self under a constant shell. Turtle POPS! out of their shell only to throw caution to the wind. There are a lot of Turtle types in this world. Those who hide under their shell. Skeletor is their leader. While Turtle answers to their every command. The reality of this...is that Turtle is really the only one who buys into Skeletors' power trip games. I know a couple where the spouse remains the Turtle while riding the sails of Skeletor who is always dictating their every move and every lead. In the business sense of things. Because let's face it...Turtles rarely show themselves.

What is says online about this character is actually quite hilarious if you truly get what I am typing...

Terror Turtle: Is a mechanical terror invented by the evil Doctor Zoog of Trolla. Terror Turtle: Is a minor character.

Hahahahaha! Yep! Here we go again! 'Minor' character is exactly where I was getting in this absolutely hilarious blog in the making! Hahahahahaha!

You know what I also enjoy the most about writing...

It can be silly, funny, crazy and make no sense to some. But OH-SO-therapeutic! Did this blog make sense to you? If you understand it...It most definitely will! I better stop now, before I keep rambling on...hehehehehehe! Just call me, He-Woman!

Cheers to a most absolutely B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L weekend! Never settle in putting up with Skeletors' in your life. And never allow anyone in this world to dim your light! We need more beautiful, kind hearted, light beaming folks in this world!

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:45 PM EDT

Updated: October 20, 2017 11:58 PM EDT

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Mood:  bright

I was going to discuss regarding my decision about a last option with an experimental, non-FDA, medical treatment. A possible way to gain an additional 6-12 months.

But...as once again...our peaceful way of living gets tainted by distant, no longer family members.

What serves someone, anyone to literally bold face lie on a court document? What does anyone get out of creating and fabricating the truth into some twisted lie of who-knows-what? Maybe this is because...so far with everyone that had a chance to look at two separate court filings...are still literally shaking and scratching their heads. Both at the same time.

What really is mentally disturbing...is when family that is no longer doesn't understand that when doors are closed. They are closed for good reason. Lying to the courts, for no good reason, just makes no good sense. Not to any decent human being.

Myself and my spouse could go round and round and round trying to make sense out of two separate court filings. But honestly...who could make sense out of folks that really just need some serious counseling intervention. The art of communicating in a far more healthy way. Who creates drama, stress and more hostility when there was finally peace among the family? I know...we know...everyone knows. The same group of individuals that are no longer part of our lives. Family members that are no longer part of family. And for God knows...great reason.

I have a copy of two separate court filings that are not only able to be viewed by you. The public. But as well we have done our homework and will continue doing such through out the day tomorrow on other avenues so the peace is no longer tainted ever again with such nonsense. All so this never happens again when the same group of individuals within the family fail to respect our need for some peace and quiet. Especially during the last leg of my journey. It is not against the law to share a public court record or filing. In fact, there are no laws against sharing a public record or court filing. But when one goes out there way, to cause another rift between family members because they are not happy with themselves nor their lives. Please of all things...don't create fiction nor lie to others. Because one day...one time...running to the system can back fire.

It's really a shame. That families are no longer. Not in this day and age. But as two deputies and one Chief of Police told us...It is what it is. Some families just don't know how to talk. Not in this day and age. It isn't worth the stress and sometimes you're just better off to continue moving on your own way.

"We couldn't agree with them more...we couldn't have said it any better."

Crazy enough. I have to deal with health issues that unfortunately have come full circle in the worst possible way. But to open the mail today and see family members literally lie on court documents. A big bold, DENIED, DISMISSED clearly visible by the county court, against their filings. Well...it's a damn, crying shame. But at the end of the day. We all have to live with ourselves, our actions and how we treat one another. Family...what used to be. Is no longer.

It's sad when you wake up and your spouse gives you this really serious look and says, that after reading both filings. He was going to save me the stress that can be extremely detrimental now for my health and just throw both of them away. But you know what? I am thankful that he didn't and that I had the chance to really see what family has become. What levels some folks will stoop to when clearly they know...I am sick. I am thankful to read both filings and see these individuals for whom they really are, most definitely no longer family. In fact. They have become strangers that I vow to never be nor become in the way that they have decided to treat their own family members. I think sometimes in life. We must face reality. Even no matter how hard it may be that we are facing. It's sometimes for our own well being. A lesson learned of sorts. What to never strive to be, to act, nor to become. These court filings and a few others now have a place in both of our vehicles. Copies for anyone that we may cross that question why family is no longer.

H.E.D

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT

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Mood:  quizzical

Well...it looks like Mittens kitty has a new best friend!

Mr. BigLOVE

These two are absolutely hilarious and quite adorable! Beary kitty is the laid back one who always enjoyed lounging the lazy days away with Cuddles. Beary sure misses Cuddles and it's hard seeing her looking through out the house for her friend. Thank goodness for BigLOVE to the rescue! He has been working double-time keeping up with both Beary and Mittens while playing among the two. So much for Eric washing the sheets and blankets. Heeheeheehee!

I am still doing my best, on my good days, getting the new website ready for this blog. Honestly, I have been sleeping more than anything right now. When my body needs rest...I rest. Over the past week...maybe a bit more rest than usual. Keeping mobile is still very important. I can't lay down or sleep for too long of periods at a time. Yet, it's still very hard to not do anything, but sleep. In between having to now take various medications in order to continue functioning through out the day. My body still has yet to adjust to the side effects. We were told, it will take time. As my energy still remains extremely low.

This morning, I received a few phone calls. One of those calls turned out to be quite a surprise! It seems that the new oncologist had a change of heart in taking on such a complex case. This is actually good news since one of her offices is only a mere 5 minute drive down the street from where we live. YAYYYY! It doesn't mean we won't have to sometimes make our way back across the state line to Ohio where my other team of specialists practice. But at least now I have someone within a very close proximity. Especially on days when the pain doesn't allow for a long drive in the car with bumps in the road making things a million times worse. This afternoon, I had my first session with a local pain management doctor. My very first spinal injection to hopefully at least take a bit of edge off the pain. If this doesn't work. Then it's back to the normal round of various narcotics to help me out which means more GI meds to take for motility. It's like a game of chess with no good move on the board. Damn if I do...damn if I don't.

With still starring down my temporary work permit from SSD. I sure hope to have at least a few good days through out the upcoming weeks. Our traveling tickets for the show taping are still on hold. Yet, I still also refuse to give up on two separate online ventures that just need for me to start feeling better so I can finish the web designing. A soft opening of the website of sorts still in the making. Rarely, do I give up so easily. But then again, I have yet to ever be in so much pain, non-stop, 24/7. With my intestine now literally flipped and the largest tumor causing more problems and sheer hell than ever before. I will far more appreciate the good days that may lie ahead of me. AMEN.

Late this afternoon, I received a phone call that we had been anticipating with regards to experimental treatment. My decision has firmly been made over the weekend. What I need is a bit more information to seal my decision. Finding out on the phone from the medical representative for the drug manufacturer, that the dosage that was given by my specialists, was one bit of information for sealing the deal on my decision. A dosage that is literally 4X of the norm that is given for patients receiving the same experimental treatment. A treatment that can only be used for 6 months. My specialists ordered for 12 months. If I ever questioned or denied just how bad things have gotten for me, internally. I will never, ever question again. Disappointing? You bet! The most damning bit of information I received on the phone to help seal my decision is knowing that only one injection could end it all. After the phone call, in which Eric overheard everything since we had the call on speakerphone so we both could partake, "Are they trying to literally just kill you with one injection?!?" Is it worth the risk?.

In the meantime. It's about time to enjoy a bit more Halloween fun! A silver lining of sorts with some friendly Halloween faces!

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: October 19, 2017 2:45 AM EDT

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Mood:  bright

You know what I love best about writing?

All of it's therapeutic benefits. The ability to not only speak your mind, but release your mind.

Our normal daily life, has once again changed. No longer waking up to our beloved Cuddles kitty wanting to be held in order to sleep on our lap is no longer. The many alarm clock reminders on our cell phones have now went silent. Changing out food, washing her bedding, throwing away can after can of specialty high-calorie prescription food, now sits in the cupboard with the rest of Cuddles medication. It's strange...when you lose a fur child. Everything with your normal routine changes. Life changes. Nothing...is the ever same. It's all really quite sad and incredibly strange. Yet, we are reminded that her spirit still remains.

Change...Change...Change.

We have yet to hear from the insurance company regarding if they will cover another round of non-FDA, experimental oncology treatments. Another experimental round of another drug that no one really knows for certain if it will even work to provide me any sort of longevity or relief. 6-12 months of additional time in hopes of possibly stopping the clock of rapidly progressing issues with my health. The risks are unreal. The complications with even using this drug are even riskier. Not having another drug to help reverse an instant side effect that could be fatal. The biggest risk, yet scariest fact of all when it comes to making such a life-changing decision.

What has been the most disappointing of all during the last several months happens to be with long standing friendships. Friendships that have exceeded way past several years. One actually lasted 13 years. The other happened to be almost 10 years. Let's just say, that I am a very loyal person, especially when it comes to my friendships. Yet, once again, unfortunately even those whom were once close to you, grow tired of the same thing I am fighting. The right to be cured. A much more normal life. Some sort of lifestyle that includes having fun.

With trials and tribulations. This gal has become stronger than ever before! There isn't a great wall of china built around me in order to protect myself from getting hurt by others. In the emotional sense of things. This gal has a wall that defies all gravity. A darn good reason why as once again, another friendship is no longer. Sad isn't it. How some people find rhymes and reasons, that make absolutely no sense, to literally fall off the face of the earth. Yet...for those who have done nothing to deserve such hurt by a friend. Are usually the ones left standing there shaking their head in utter confusion and sheer disappointment. No way, will I allow myself to be treated as such, not any longer. As an extremely loyal friend, as anyone would, we all deserve an explanation from friends who literally POOF! Disappear without any sort of explanation. Yet, through trials and tribulations. I have grown stronger. Much stronger than ever before! When friendships of many years just fall apart due to the other party literally disappearing on me. To never be heard from again. I view it as their loss. My gain. If a friend doesn't respect you enough to explain why they no longer contact you. Then clearly, they are not the type of people you need in your life. These are not friends.

Sure, I understand that those who battle everyday with long-term medical conditions are not of this norm. Their lives are far different than those who live a normal lifestyle without restrictions. Yet, what happened to true friends who stand by your side, through thick and thin? Seems now and days, friends are merely just acquaintances. Even so much as only staying in contact with you if you have an open social media account such as Facebook. I had two great friendships literally blow~away like dust in the wind this year. One was a friendship of over 13 years, in which, I found out the hard way that I really didn't know the person. Dark secrets. I am huge on trust and when someone lies to you for over a decade. It's hard to trust the person again. Whether alone, even know them. Especially when they were never the person you believed them to be all along. Finding out they are a completely different person was beyond shocking. Both for myself and Eric. Yet, I still gave this person the benefit of the doubt. Even so much as forgiving them. However, after extending my hand of support out to this friend. I never heard back from them again.

This week, I ran into another issue with a friend of almost 10 years. I honestly didn't think too much when they had disappeared off the friend radar over the past month. Yes, it was strange and most definitely not the kind of behavior that I was used to from such a dear and close friend. Lately, the friendship consisted of me reaching out to them. But only to receive odd text messages back that they were too busy to talk. Two weeks ago, I received a text message from this friend of almost 10 years letting me know that since their girlfriend was moving back into their home. They were absent due to needing to soul search a bit. However, our friendship as they told me, was something they valued. Needless to say, I never heard back from them again.

I guess I am different when it comes to value and respect. I value and respect my friendships. I have always been a loyal friend through out my entire life. Treating friendships as if they are at your disposal is something that I no longer put up with nor will tolerate from anyone. What I value and respect the most, after trials and tribulations, is...myself. I no longer allow myself to be someone's pushover. When someone can not even have the respect nor human decency to contact me. Even for a mere second to say, "Hi, how are you doing?" Then clearly, they are not a friend by any means. In this day and age...do true friendships even exist. Or...are friends really only just mere acquaintances.

Change...Change...Change.

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: October 19, 2017 12:47 AM EDT

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