Hitting A Wall ]
Now Playing: Day 2794-Next GP Chapter... Turning Lemons Into Lemonade :)
Time to get up, get dressed and head back across the border. Back across state lines to O'heck'NO'hio!
Heeheeheeheehee! Well...that's how I feel about it anyways.
Time to once again become one with the past. Time to also seek the very last of some seriously sound advice with regards to final testing and surgery. Let's face it...I still don't feel comfortable. Not in the least bit! Mentally, I don't feel comfortable at all. Physically, I can't predict one day from the next. Will I be able to maintain at least a 97.5 body temperature that morning of the scheduled testing and surgery? So far, it hasn't been looking very promising. Anymore, I feel as if I have hit a huge, overpowering son-of-a-gun, BRICK WALL!
Myself and Eric have been guessing on how long I had been seeing my psychologist back in Ohio. Before moving across state lines to Indiana. My guess was close to 9 years. Eric was guessing around 7. But it seems we were both wrong as my psychologist told me it has been 10 years. 10 years as of this coming October. WOW! That is a very long time! I guess you can say that this gal is in it for the long haul! Even when sometimes I must utilize another doctor closer to our home back in Indiana due to various reasons. Therapist and LC. But thankfully my original treating physicians are only one phone call away. A mere one-hour or so drive back across state lines. Sure, they all understand that there will be times when I need to seek care in my new home state. But of course, my care will always still need to be handled first by my original team of specialists back in the other state.
It's nice to see a familiar face. Someone who is very familiar with my case. It is also nice to seek sound advice from those whom know your health the best. 10 years is a very long time as I still highly value the opinions of my original team of specialists. Especially when I have literally hit a wall with my health. Damned if I do. And damned if I don't. There is no easy way out of this one. Maybe that is why I still feel extremely uneasy and literally just want to throw in the towel. Maybe others might not understand how I feel or even possibly see it is a sign of weakness. But I have yet to meet someone who has fought as long and as hard as I personally have throughout my entire journey. There is no brave face. You must just literally be brave. No matter what and no if's, and's or but's.
So...in one very important session. We were able to talk about a bit of everything. What is most important. What needs to be urgently addressed. It's been awhile since I have seen my psychologist back in Ohio. But one revolving story most definitely needed to finally have an ending. Divorcing not just the spouse. But the entire immediate family.
It was bound to happen. In time, it had to happen. It was a must. Because the dysfunction not only did not serve me well over the years. But it has also played a very crucial and detrimental factor with my physical and emotional health. My overall, well being. They are no longer healthy for me. That also includes the same for Eric, little E and our fur children. When you hear that your own nieces and nephew are calling you crazy, using it as some type of psychotic kind of excuse to play sides with their own parent. That makes them not only look crazy to everyone. But also literally sound crazy. I wholeheartedly agree with every single medical professional whom has brought that same important fact up to myself and Eric over the years. "Your immediate family is no longer healthy for you. They are ruining your health by the amount of stress they continue to place upon you. Physically and emotionally." They say, stress can kill you. I hold records that now show what that level of relentless stress can do to ones health. It should never, ever be from family. Not one single family member. If I ever have another day in court. Sued by an immediate family member ever again. I won't go quietly. My reasons are justified and justifiable. Their lack of compassion, empathy and respect for a very bad pattern of how not to treat loved ones whom are sick with long term, terminal medical ailments, will not continue. I plan on making sure that pattern of how not to treat family members finally gets broken and it starts with me. When it comes to further damaging my health. I won't play nice.
One day, the ability to legally divorce your family, within the court system, will be allowed. For those whom no longer have a safe nor healthy family environment. After all measures possible have been exhausted to find some type of resolution for unity. When divorcing a family will be just as common as divorcing a spouse. It may sound crazy. But it's not the first time I have heard someone else make mention of a very real possibility.
When it comes to the opinion of should I move ahead with final testing. No matter the chances with very real and quite serious side effects. Yes. Another strong, yet honest opinion from those who know me and my health the best.
So...Back across the border. Back across state lines to my own home state of Indiana. Time to double check my Will and Power of Attorney. I plan on not leaving any questions unanswered. Nor will I ever allow anyone or anything to challenge or try to disrespect my final wishes in writing. When it's time to finally call it quits. I still remain very firm and extremely adamant that it will be within my decision. I refuse to allow it any other way. When it's time to throw in the towel. I plan on doing so peacefully. But most importantly, with respect and dignity. No family dysfunction nor drama allowed to surround me. Legally.
I still am not sure about later this week. When it's so obvious that I have literally and finally hit a brick wall with my health. This time hasn't been easy. I don't expect things to ever be easy from this point and moving forward. What I plan on doing...is continuing to look for the signs.
A sign, one solitary sign, would be nice.
Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg.
at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: August 30, 2017 12:52 AM EDT