Mood:
chillin'Now Playing: Day 852-The Final Road To Survival
Yep, its that wonderful time again. DRANO TIME! UGGGG...
It's ok though because all day I made sure to wear my armor of steel just in case stress or drama came knocking at my door. Even so regardless I am learning the tools it takes to remove myself from the equation. There will be set backs. Isn't that what life is all about? I am proud of myself by taking set backs today with a grain of salt. I am doing my best to not allow people/things to continue getting to me. Why you may ask? Because its not worth it. I must continue to focus 100% attention now to #1-ME. I can't replace organs and the stress/drama just isn't worth losing more vital body parts. AMEN.
Eric called me out earlier this evening about walking into the alligator pit once again knowing I won't get out without being injured. HOWEVER this time around I proved him and myself wrong by handling the relentless stress that surrounds me in this city fairly well. CHEERS TO THAT!
In between glasses of Drano I got out my paper and drew two separate columns then started weighing the pros and cons that are a must in order to make important life changes. After finishing I took a step back and thought to myself, "WOW!" On this side I have many negative things and this side I only have one positive thing. Not good! It all makes sense now when you step outside your own shoes and see what your stress/anxiety triggers have been for quite sometime. It didn't make me angry or upset but I felt a bit foolish because as told I have been enabling some very bad and inappropriate behavior. I must now make life changes in order to remove myself from the stress in the city until our big move out west. Thankfully no anxiety attacks today for this gal because when you know your triggers its important to do everything in your power to acknowledge them and then move on.
As far as treatment day...You can't win them all and yes, it will be a long night into the early morning hours but that is something I WILL tolerate and have for years. One can't say living a Gastroparesis life is easy by any means. It honestly took me many years to become my own GP-Pro but I can handle the good with the bad which has made me who I am today. A Fighter & SURVIVOR!
If I can apply that same strength to other aspects of my life in order to finally have some peace then it will make a world of difference for #1-ME.
Note To Self: The world wasn't created in one day and even God understands neither can positive changes.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
chatty
We both were out like a light last night and slept HARD! Make that ALL of us because even Littleblue didn't want to get up once the cell phone alarm went off. Today is the last of my doctors appointments. WOOHOA! This week has been so crazy and UFO that I can't figure out what day we are on. It seems like we just ended the weekend and tomorrow is already Friday.
Talking about life making a full circle. Hahahaha! Once I finished filling out all the new patient forms (although I was far from new-maybe new since it has been 7 years since my last visit) they called me back to the room. It was the same doctor and the first words spoken were, "I made a full circle. I seen you almost 7 years to this date when you figured out the great medical mystery. Internally. If it wasn't for you flagging my doctors and surgeon they would had never known my stomach stopped working. After a few nuclear studies I was quickly diagnosed with Idiopathic Gastroparesis." His first reply was, "Wow, that is amazing! Well good to see you again!" 
It was a great and extremely informative first or more like second visit however it will be my last because he figured out this other great medical mystery. It didn't take him but under 2 hours to confirm that I don't have any mental problems but I am suffering from PTSD and anxiety attacks due to relentless stress caused by some around this city. Things had finally come to a boiling point and the body as well brain can only take so much. I honestly have been doing the right and healthy thing which is to separate myself from the drama and stress. In my unique medical situation it can be destructive and dangerous. Its also causing me to now constantly change my weekly treatments. Thank goodness I am smart enough not to do treatment when stress is knocking at my door, phone or email. Since we clearly know my triggers, the next step is to get my anxiety and stress under control. This might take awhile because you can't unravel years over night. Patience is a must and together we will come up with a game plan in order to not further jeopardize or risk my fragile health. 
d'oh
I am rotating with the season and so is my sleep. "We" didn't get to sleep until 6am. Me-because I was having a bad GP moment. Eric-because his body is so used to working third shift that he wasn't tired. 
Rash. Another dear fellow GP friend is also experiencing the same problem but she gets hers after consuming Magnesium-Citrate/clean outs. I am getting them during and after in no specific order but at least now I have an answer to the strange pop up rashes. So far they seem isolated to only the abdominal area but I was told if they spread I would need to head to the hospital. Hey! I have had far, far, far enough ER visits in my lifetime so hopefully it will never get to that point. For now I was told once again to not do treatment until tomorrow. I was also advised to continue using ice packs through out the day and was given an anti-inflammatory drug. Much like the other rashes it will resolve once my internal battle calms down. 
Since we didn't get much sleep today once we did lay back down and my cell phone alarm went off it was already 4:25pm. GEES! Talking about a wasted day! It could had been a short non-productive day but instead we both kept busy so my mind could be free. Eric finished staining the side patio and started working on the front porch. I opted for some projects inside the house and by the time we were both finished it was already 8:30pm. Not bad for a short day. Hahahaha! At least Mr. Drano aka Hell-In-A-Jug got another break but it can't last long enough. Tomorrow is a new day, a new doctors appointment and another round of treatment. Well at least hopefully one out of two won't be bad!
lyrical
This evening I finally felt comfortable enough to go back to the local park. Once we pulled up and started making our way to the side walk we were greeted by two feather friends. Frank & Mike. My how fast they have grown! It was so nice to see them along with the other geese. I still feel horrible that they could not rescue and rehabilitate Miss Goose but I know she is no longer in pain. Eric says, "That one single goose the other day was her finally flying free because you let her live again." I hope she is watching over the baby rabbits too in a safer place called, "Heaven."
It would only be for 4 weeks but heck! 4 weeks would give this gal enough of a break to revamp/recharge my tired body and brain. My doctors also agree that I really need to clear my head and maybe that will help the horrible anxiety caused by this cities relentless stress. For now they don't think its a good idea flying but when it comes to driving they are leaving that decision up to me. We would have to stop every hour and walk around so my spine doesn't lock up but I really should give this amazing offer from my dear friend some serious consideration! Eric has plenty of vacation time and we could bring the fur kids. Two of his friends in the city said they would come over and watch the kitty gang. We could even leave early if need be because I highly doubt I could stay the entire four weeks. Maybe one if I am lucky! Gabe left the offer on the table and said, "Its all yours if you want to get away because I think you both really need a break."
AMEN! AMEN!
Xoxoxoxo 
down
This is going to be a short blog for today... Just feeling drained out, stressed out, anxiety overload and B L A H... It might be a good thing I have two appointments this week and one is a new doctor who will help to get my head back on straight and better control the horrible anxiety attacks that seem to be taking over my life. They believe there was a significant trigger that started the attacks almost two weeks ago and sadly they haven't let up. The new medication for my seizures is suppose to calm down brain activity which helps control seizures but of course, "No Dice!"
Today was a very close day to finally bid farewell to the rest of my fragile hair but instead I decided to give it a few more weeks. Hair is hair and I have been losing so much due to not being able to absorb nutrients properly through out the years on top of the side affects with treatment that I doubt it will bother me much. When its time "I" will decide and make that final decision not the ole Drano aka Hell-In-A-Jug. We both vowed this evening to never allow anyone who doesn't believe I am sick or doubts my condition to ever be welcome in our home. I have felt this way for quite some time but finally I have decided the time has come to quit providing endless FACTS and instead exclude those who feel the need to put their blinders on. Yes! it does infuriate my specialists and rightfully so however I don't have time to keep providing facts and trying to explain my unique medical condition over and over again to anyone who refuses to listen. I am tired of wasting my time and I don't have time to waste on nonsense when I could be doing something else instead that makes me happy not upset. AMEN.
sad
It must be how life works but DARN sometimes it just isn't fair and I even start to question my faith...
The first part of my NOT AT ALL good of a day was receiving a phone call from the Ranger station at our local park. If you recall we have been feeding an injured female goose while walking at the park over the past few weeks and they were going to have a rescue group come to get her some help. INSTEAD the call turned into my first of many SAD events today. The Sergeant explained that the goose was injured as we had been telling them the past few weeks however once they got a closer look the female goose was also getting very lethargic and couldn't walk any longer or eat. She also couldn't get into the water. The worse part was seeing kids while walking who should know better (including their parents) tormenting the poor goose by throwing rocks or running after her. Trust me by saying for weeks it had been testing my own patience and I played "KID COP" more than my fair share of times. They had a few naturalists who work for the county also look at the goose as well talking things through with a couple of other animal experts. Sadly they had to come to the decision to put her down due to her suffering. 
S A D....
I LOST IT!!!! 
Being so upset I took a pair of pink gloves and picked up the mangled bodies of the babies then went inside because I remembered I had a little Angel box that was small enough to place them in. What I didn't realize until an hour later was that this same Angel box had a little Angel on it sitting next to two rabbits. Eric found that very ironic. Since we had wood left over from the shelter he made yesterday I took two pieces and made a cross and painted it sky blue. I kept the two baby bunnies by my side in that Angel box until later in the evening when the sun started to set. It was time to say goodbye and I picked some pretty colorful wildflowers and placed them along with the Mom's fur and some hay to protect them. I left it up to me when to bury them seeing this was a very emotional and sad day but I knew the time had come and I kissed the tiny box small enough to hold in the palm of my hand and said goodbye. It wasn't easy in fact I cried, cried and cried again. Its hard when your sick and you lose everything. Not all at once but over time. It wears on your heart and your soul. Life sometimes isn't fair and it can be extremely cruel. 
One hour you are up! The next hour you are down! Only with Gastroparesis can you be fine one second then in the ER the next. It's no wonder I can't predict anything and forget planning ahead anymore. It doesn't exist.
Once I was finally able to catch a break with the pain Eric took the fur kids out for a walk at the park and on his way back he found a cute little nest of baby rabbits but in a bad spot-the front yard under a small bush. Since he knows my deep love for all wildlife he quickly headed up to the local hardware store and bought some wood to make a protective area for the babies. There are two baby rabbits but they don't have their eyes open just yet so they must be only days old. I love animals and always have my entire life. They are the only things that seem to bring me happiness anymore since I am limited being sick. I can't wait to watch them grow up and finally be on their own. After a nightmarish 24 hours I sure needed a reason to smile and they made my day!
happy
We have finally be able to catch up on some much needed rain the past few weeks although its still very dry and the bushes in the front are already dropping their leaves. What hasn't been starving are all the darn weeds this year. GEEZ! Once you cut them back it seems only days later they return with avengeance. Sometimes I have a "denial moment" and believe maybe, just maybe it was all a bad dream and I am normal again. Its in these moments and lapse of thinking that tend to always get me into trouble. 
Ten minutes into "thinking" I could help with the yard work wearing my trusty mask and dark sunglasses instead turned into me about passing out in the backyard instead of helping to clean it up. NOTE TO SELF: NOT TOO SMART! It was a good thing my better half was outside with me and noticed my face turning bright red. Needless to say there won't be anymore bright ideas or lapse of judgment for this gal. That's the hard part living with a medical condition that is not only ruthless but you can never determine one minute from the next. My brain still wants desperately to be normal but my body begs to differ. Same with yesterday and sitting for way too long because last night my spine was suffering the consequences and so were my intestines. Today is all about keeping my body moving without having a heat stroke. DUH ON ME!
By the time we were all ready to head home there were only three cars left in the parking lot. OURS. Hahahahaha! You know us VAMPIREEEEEEEEES......We tend to be awake at night and sleep during the day. Hey! that's life. My LIFE for ya! We both had a nice time but all good things must come to an end and this gal was EXHAUSTED! Once we got back home my better half did all the night time chores getting my couchbed ready and taking the fur kids outside for one last walk. Needless to say there won't be any sheep counting tonight!ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ........ 