Mood:  chillin'

If only us GP'ers could get this excited over food!

Hahahaha! Well...at least the fur gang and Bear kitty who "thinks" he is part dog agrees that this new food is DELICIOUS! This is also why at night we now have to put the food bowl up. Put a bag of food in front of someone who has Gastroparesis and we might as well start the barfing a bit early!

Its already starting to be one strange week and even after having a good first of two doctors appointments today stress was waiting for me once again when I got home. I give up and must admit I have had quite enough of this nonsense! Its time that maybe I take a break and get away for awhile. Since I can't get out west just yet for the big move my fellow GP friend Gabe who was in town this past weekend instead offered us his rental cabin in Tennessee.

HOW NICE WAS THAT?!!

It would only be for 4 weeks but heck! 4 weeks would give this gal enough of a break to revamp/recharge my tired body and brain. My doctors also agree that I really need to clear my head and maybe that will help the horrible anxiety caused by this cities relentless stress. For now they don't think its a good idea flying but when it comes to driving they are leaving that decision up to me. We would have to stop every hour and walk around so my spine doesn't lock up but I really should give this amazing offer from my dear friend some serious consideration! Eric has plenty of vacation time and we could bring the fur kids. Two of his friends in the city said they would come over and watch the kitty gang. We could even leave early if need be because I highly doubt I could stay the entire four weeks. Maybe one if I am lucky! Gabe left the offer on the table and said, "Its all yours if you want to get away because I think you both really need a break."

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

I have my last doctors appointment later this week so that should give me a better idea if its a NO or GO! I am hoping for the latter. Since fall and mid September is just around the corner it might be the best time to break away from the city. It will also "HOPEFULLY" be much cooler by then so my GP won't be so volatile unlike the constant heat and humidity over the past three months. I also have GP family and friends who live within an hour drive from the cabin. It would be very nice to finally visit with them.

THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH GABE for offering us a beautiful cabin get away and like always, time will tell (and my insides) if we can take that much needed break. Xoxoxoxo

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EDT

Updated: August 7, 2012 3:57 AM EDT

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Mood:  down

This is going to be a short blog for today... Just feeling drained out, stressed out, anxiety overload and B L A H... It might be a good thing I have two appointments this week and one is a new doctor who will help to get my head back on straight and better control the horrible anxiety attacks that seem to be taking over my life. They believe there was a significant trigger that started the attacks almost two weeks ago and sadly they haven't let up. The new medication for my seizures is suppose to calm down brain activity which helps control seizures but of course, "No Dice!"

We tried taking a short walk at the park near our house but I was feeling so dizzy that it didn't last that long. I haven't felt safe enough to start treatment either so it seems to be one thing after another and I am just hoping both doctors can get my brain and my body back on track sooner than later! CHEERS TO THAT!! Eric keeps thinking I am starting to lose my fight mode but I keep telling him its not that, I just have way too many battles on my hands right now and its gotten to be farrrrrrrrrr too overwhelming. Sure, drinking Drano isn't fun and I won't lie by saying, "I have also had enough of that nasty stuff too!" Instead of the two doctors appointments this coming week maybe I just need my dear friends from Texas to send me ONE HUGE BOOT! then give this gal a good swift kick! Hahahahaha!

Here's to a UFO upcoming week-full of strange things...

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:45 PM EDT

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Mood:  lyrical

I thought I tapped my heels last night and woke up in Nevada but S I G H...Instead it was just my dear friend Kevin sending me photos of his cross country trip. DANG IT!

Well at least one of us-make it now two-has finally found their way out west. AMEN. Not I said the fly. I am still stuck here in the hellish city where most of my past is nothing more than a mere nightmare. It will happen, trust me the move out west will happen but darn! it can't get here soon enough! Eric even said, "DOUBLE DITTO TO THAT!" My friend and his Son started their adventure Thursday morning and will be making their way across the good USA for the next 11 days. At the tender age of 10 I am sure it will be one amazing adventure that his Son will never forget. Such beautiful photos of the great west and land that is still untouched and not destroyed by human hands. This city is just way too over-populated and what beautiful nature we once had is now being turned into excess, excess, excess and the people aren't any better. In fact when I used to work and traveled Cincinnati was the worst when it came to snooty folks and too much attitude to boot! Heck, even at corporate out in NJ/NY offices the richest of rich didn't have a huge-tude. John would even remark about the difference in folks once he jumped out of state. Sadly its not just me who enjoys more down to earth, friendly folk who are genuine. KUDDOS TO THAT!

I checked on the rabbit burrow last night in hopes of maybe seeing the Mom or more babies that could be saved. Sadly I once again only came upon an empty nest. Its tough and I doubt I will be able to move the nest for at least a week. Instead of Eric cutting the front yard today I just had him cut the back in order to not disturb where the nest is still located. Eric now has a far greater appreciation when it comes to my passion and love for the wildlife both great and small. He feels maybe seeing the one single goose yesterday was a sign of her saying, "Thank You" for not making me continue to suffer. The Angel photo with two bunnies on the small box I buried the babies in was also another sign in which we both believe is from above. I still have faith that we all do meet again in Heaven where I hope to see the two babies and female goose again.

Today was a very close day to finally bid farewell to the rest of my fragile hair but instead I decided to give it a few more weeks. Hair is hair and I have been losing so much due to not being able to absorb nutrients properly through out the years on top of the side affects with treatment that I doubt it will bother me much. When its time "I" will decide and make that final decision not the ole Drano aka Hell-In-A-Jug. We both vowed this evening to never allow anyone who doesn't believe I am sick or doubts my condition to ever be welcome in our home. I have felt this way for quite some time but finally I have decided the time has come to quit providing endless FACTS and instead exclude those who feel the need to put their blinders on. Yes! it does infuriate my specialists and rightfully so however I don't have time to keep providing facts and trying to explain my unique medical condition over and over again to anyone who refuses to listen. I am tired of wasting my time and I don't have time to waste on nonsense when I could be doing something else instead that makes me happy not upset. AMEN.

We are going to once again restart my treatments this weekend but no later than Monday evening. I have one of two specialist appointments still hanging in limbo for next Monday afternoon. Hopefully I won't have to reschedule this one again. My doctors will be continuing me on pain medication and I was also offered physical therapy by the colon surgeon I saw last month. Eric's insurance has to get back to us next week in regards to how much they will cover. The therapy will not cure anything by any means but they are hoping it might help ease some of the pain that my inflamed and angry intestines are causing by pushing on my damaged spine. This will also hopefully help by not having to rely on wearing the abdominal wrap so frequently. Of course I will always need my cane and wheelchair just in case and this past week it came in extremely handy getting around the house when my intestine decided to flip.

The constant changes that come with being sick haven't been easy but this evening when I looked up from the kitchen window someone was staring back at me. Yes, Mr. Groundhog aka Happy and once again he did as he always has when I am feeling sad and down, "He made me smile." 

He also munched on a few wildflowers but that's OK because his cuteness is well worth it! Xoxoxoxoxoxo

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EDT

Updated: August 5, 2012 4:40 AM EDT

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Mood:  sad

This has NOT been a good day. Not in the least bit and why does death always happen in waves of three? Same with bad luck? Why can't instead GOOD THINGS happen in threes? It must be how life works but DARN sometimes it just isn't fair and I even start to question my faith...

I might still be dealing with pain but at least its not sharp and instead dull/achy. What I might had been smart to do was take a Dilaudid right away when I got wake up because this was going to be one SAD DAY!

The first part of my NOT AT ALL good of a day was receiving a phone call from the Ranger station at our local park. If you recall we have been feeding an injured female goose while walking at the park over the past few weeks and they were going to have a rescue group come to get her some help. INSTEAD the call turned into my first of many SAD events today. The Sergeant explained that the goose was injured as we had been telling them the past few weeks however once they got a closer look the female goose was also getting very lethargic and couldn't walk any longer or eat. She also couldn't get into the water. The worse part was seeing kids while walking who should know better (including their parents) tormenting the poor goose by throwing rocks or running after her. Trust me by saying for weeks it had been testing my own patience and I played "KID COP" more than my fair share of times. They had a few naturalists who work for the county also look at the goose as well talking things through with a couple of other animal experts. Sadly they had to come to the decision to put her down due to her suffering.

NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. Especially when I am EMOTIONALLY STRESSED OUT and being sick is also EMOTIONALLY DISTRESSING! S I G H....

What used to be a peaceful place to walk and watch geese, ducks and other wildlife animals has now turned into a place of terror because all I can think about is this goose being shot and me being part of it. During our last walk the same area where we fed the injured female goose there was remnants of blood and I remember telling Eric I wonder if her leg is bleeding. I sure the heck didn't know they just shoot the poor goose right there?!! Eric thinks I am just way, way, way too hard on myself but when you live in a city where others are nothing but constantly hard on you what do you expect? Eventually it wears and breaks you down. To me animals have always been a constant source of love for years. After we finished the phone call I had mixed emotions. One, I didn't want to see the poor female goose suffer anymore and be left out from the flock however I know how that feels being different and to me that will always hold a special place in my heart. The other side is I feel that maybe they could had taken her to the animal hospital up north that helps treat geese and other wildlife then release her back into the wild instead of just ending her life.

S I G H.... S A D....

Not that the phone call wasn't hard enough but two hours later Eric comes back in the house after checking on the baby rabbits to tell me they weren't there. HUH?! This might had been a sign to get the pain meds ready because I told myself out loud, "This isn't going to be a good day!" I got enough energy to also walk outside to check on the nest and they were gone. I researched online last night about wild baby rabbits and trust me these were newborns and the Mom wouldn't just move them from the burrow unless she had another one and that would be impossible! I came back into the house and first thing that came to mind was an instinct to go back outside because I remembered this very vivid dream I had in which I "thought" I heard the babies crying so I went back outside and starting finding small pieces of the Mom's fur she uses for the burrow around the grass. Once I came back around near the nest the second part of this SAD SAD SAD day was seeing two mauled baby rabbits and blood below my feet.

I LOST IT!!!!

Being sick and in pain doesn't make for your head to be on straight when it comes to your emotions nor does unnecessary relentless stress surrounding you in this hellish city. Regardless of whatever pain I had I didn't care and instead bend down to see two tiny babies within three inches from each other. I could still recognize their ears and tiny feet. SAD AND HORRIFYING! I don't think those are the words to describe how I felt at that moment, more like DEVASTATED!! Yes. I lost it and through out the course of the entire SAD day I lost it over and over and over and over again. In fact its the first time even around Eric I didn't want to talk. I needed to silence myself so I could get my head back on straight from all the emotions. Eric felt absolutely horrible and could only comfort me but I was so angry at myself because I felt maybe I should had moved them to a safer place or instead of wood maybe he should had got chicken wire like it said online so the Mom could still go in and out of the burrow. I assume the poor and distraught Mom already came back earlier that morning to the nest only to find her babies dead. Too many thoughts that ran through my mind left me to do only one thing, silence myself the remainder of the day. I was too sad to talk, I had nothing to say. I have been around and seen first hand some of the most cruelest people around this city since I have been sick. Animals have been the most kind to me and have given me such unconditional love and happiness. Its Gods little creatures that always made me smile but today three of them sadly got called home to Heaven.

SAD, SAD, SAD...

Being so upset I took a pair of pink gloves and picked up the mangled bodies of the babies then went inside because I remembered I had a little Angel box that was small enough to place them in. What I didn't realize until an hour later was that this same Angel box had a little Angel on it sitting next to two rabbits. Eric found that very ironic. Since we had wood left over from the shelter he made yesterday I took two pieces and made a cross and painted it sky blue. I kept the two baby bunnies by my side in that Angel box until later in the evening when the sun started to set. It was time to say goodbye and I picked some pretty colorful wildflowers and placed them along with the Mom's fur and some hay to protect them. I left it up to me when to bury them seeing this was a very emotional and sad day but I knew the time had come and I kissed the tiny box small enough to hold in the palm of my hand and said goodbye. It wasn't easy in fact I cried, cried and cried again. Its hard when your sick and you lose everything. Not all at once but over time. It wears on your heart and your soul. Life sometimes isn't fair and it can be extremely cruel.

I stayed on the porch for an hour just feeling blank. Its been a horrible past 7 years and even the littlest of happiness sadly gets taken away. I don't get it and I never will. After once again questioning my faith I heard a loud sound and looked up to see one single goose flying over me. It was as if time stood still to serve as a reminder that even God renews all things and that includes our faith and spirit.

"Remember that God placed us here on earth to love and protect the animals. God made humans to take care of the beautiful world and all of His creatures."

-Nicole

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:11 PM EDT

Updated: August 4, 2012 4:09 AM EDT

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Mood:  down

One hour you are up! The next hour you are down! Only with Gastroparesis can you be fine one second then in the ER the next. It's no wonder I can't predict anything and forget planning ahead anymore. It doesn't exist.

I'm frustrated and honestly just BEAT physically and the last few weeks BEAT MENTALLY! Who would had guessed at 7am I would wake up with the worst sharp pain coming in waves only to realize later in the ER my intestines once again have flipped and twisted up on other organs. This is now the fourth documented time it has happened in the past two years.

NOT GOOD!

It might be a good thing my intestines no longer have motility and tent to flip and twist only while resting. It also might be a good thing the pain is so severe that it wakes me up because bowel perforation is a complication when this happens as well obstructions. Once the pain hit me I had to call Eric's name four times before he could hear me seeing I couldn't raise my voice due to the horrific pain. Last time I told the ambulance driver they might as well shoot me if this happens again because the pain is almost impossible to endure! Needless to say if I knew the next day would had included this hellish nightmare I might had taken up drinking last night. AMEN! At least it might had helped the pain to stay a bit numb. So far all the other three times my intestines eventually resolved themselves with the help of gravity and without any severe complications. Unfortunately this time my ovary is wrapped in the mess and they highly doubt that will remedy itself without surgery but guess what? They can't do surgery. There are no surgery options. I am just SOL!!

The end of my day included some strong pain meds (thank goodness for Morphine and Dilaudid) and plenty of couchbed rest. Eric has been amazing keeping up with the house chores inside and out. The fur kids don't mind spending some down time with Mom while she heals and slowly gets back on her feet. I don't need anymore stress that I am already having to deal with on top of not feeling well but of course in this city it tends to find you regardless of how well you are hiding. Amen!

Once I was finally able to catch a break with the pain Eric took the fur kids out for a walk at the park and on his way back he found a cute little nest of baby rabbits but in a bad spot-the front yard under a small bush. Since he knows my deep love for all wildlife he quickly headed up to the local hardware store and bought some wood to make a protective area for the babies. There are two baby rabbits but they don't have their eyes open just yet so they must be only days old. I love animals and always have my entire life. They are the only things that seem to bring me happiness anymore since I am limited being sick. I can't wait to watch them grow up and finally be on their own. After a nightmarish 24 hours I sure needed a reason to smile and they made my day! 

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EDT

Updated: August 4, 2012 2:36 AM EDT

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Mood:  happy

With only having 2 days of freedom left from the dreaded Drano aka Hell-In-A-Jug we thought it would be a great idea to meet some friends later this evening to get me of course out of the house and also give Eric a break! Its been a LOCO week and my nerves have been shot! Its getting rare to find any sort of break and since I thought today was a good head day and maybe I could have a chance to get away we made plans to go out this evening. Of course this was after the sun goes down and us Vampiressssssss (those with seizure issues) can break free.

We have finally be able to catch up on some much needed rain the past few weeks although its still very dry and the bushes in the front are already dropping their leaves. What hasn't been starving are all the darn weeds this year. GEEZ! Once you cut them back it seems only days later they return with avengeance. Sometimes I have a "denial moment" and believe maybe, just maybe it was all a bad dream and I am normal again. Its in these moments and lapse of thinking that tend to always get me into trouble.

Like today!

Ten minutes into "thinking" I could help with the yard work wearing my trusty mask and dark sunglasses instead turned into me about passing out in the backyard instead of helping to clean it up. NOTE TO SELF: NOT TOO SMART! It was a good thing my better half was outside with me and noticed my face turning bright red. Needless to say there won't be anymore bright ideas or lapse of judgment for this gal. That's the hard part living with a medical condition that is not only ruthless but you can never determine one minute from the next. My brain still wants desperately to be normal but my body begs to differ. Same with yesterday and sitting for way too long because last night my spine was suffering the consequences and so were my intestines. Today is all about keeping my body moving without having a heat stroke. DUH ON ME!

By the time we both finished doing the rest of the chores in and around the house it was already time to take a shower and get ready to head out for the evening. We decided to meet everyone around 8:30pm and drove separately just in case my GP payed me an unwelcoming visit. I did fairly well with just a few minor head and stomach issues-nausea, slight headache but that's what my emergency meds are for and I refused to not give it my all to finally have some low key fun. It felt GREAT to get out and feel normal for once! I try to keep my medical nightmare private when it comes to Eric's friends. They know I suffer from a incurable medical condition however they don't prey and leave things up to me if I want to talk about it. Its nice sometimes to be ME without Gastroparesis. I call it breaking free from reality if only for a few hours or so. AMEN!

By the time we were all ready to head home there were only three cars left in the parking lot. OURS. Hahahahaha! You know us VAMPIREEEEEEEEES......We tend to be awake at night and sleep during the day. Hey! that's life. My LIFE for ya! We both had a nice time but all good things must come to an end and this gal was EXHAUSTED! Once we got back home my better half did all the night time chores getting my couchbed ready and taking the fur kids outside for one last walk. Needless to say there won't be any sheep counting tonight!ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ........

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EDT

Updated: August 2, 2012 4:04 AM EDT

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Mood:  hug me

 In remembrance of our dear Angel Impy

Our beloved Impy, 84 young years old was called to Heaven on July 31, 2010

Impy, we know you are still keeping a close eye on the GP family from Heaven. May you rest in peace, know you are deeply loved and will forever be missed.

-The international Gastroparesis family, friends and loved ones

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EDT

Updated: August 2, 2012 3:14 AM EDT

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Mood:  not sure

Here we go again folks....Nothing more ANNOYING than having to once again prove to others that I am SICK. The best part of proving this FACTUAL information is when the courts keep records of your SSD hearing. The down side is the continued mental anguish and overwhelming stress once again that I have to endure due to others. More like, "Lack of education and awareness." What I "should" be doing instead is focusing on my health which is #1 priority but instead I am once again having to dig up my past in which I found it literally came full circle. How so you may ask? In the pile of records from my attorney I came across some medical records in which I was told I "might" want to look at when I have some time. Time? Plenty of it seeing I don't get out much when your drinking Drano then battling the aftermath for the next five days. What I came across was not only shocking but extremely sad FACTS. Fact-I was not just a sick infant but a sick adolescent. Fact-I had GI disturbances through out my entire life. Now finally the surgeons FACTS had finally made sense! The questions that still remained unanswered are where is the biopsy reports and where are the specialist reports since I would had been referred to a GI specialist as a child?... Right? Ummm?... Could had things been prevented decades ago? Answer-possibly. Its not a mystery any further wondering how nerves in my GI organs had mysterious just stopped working. Between medical reports that dated back as a young child on top of the list of my severe GI problems per FACTUAL SSD reports have finally started to make sense for not just my doctors but most importantly ME. I have been sick all of my life and sick means the GI road/path that progressed now into my adulthood.

After reading through a third of my records all Eric could do was highlight the damning facts and hug me. Its horrible enough to once again be accused from Aliens (Since I have to wait to figure out next week what names I can say or plural content) but also once again having to defend myself with FACTS amidst just finding out I was born into this world as a sick child and there are missing puzzle pieces yet to be explained. Why didn't anyone let my specialists know the extend of constant GI problems through out the course of my life? The rest of the day left me feeling nothing but B L A N K. The saddest part is maybe I wasn't made aware of my childhood being sick?.. Trust me, I remember some but most is buried behind closed doors in my brain. I'm not sure at this point with the relentless stress that continues in this city if its a good idea to continue reading the rest of the medical records so instead others are going to read the rest through out the week. S I G H...

If anything good to come out of this nightmare is that now all 17 specialists have factual proof not just a "feeling" that my GI problems started decades ago and they always said, "There is no turning back." Its no wonder surgeries never worked and my condition continued to progress out of control which now involves numerous organs. It might be good God made a fighter when he made me because the weak would had already caved in a long time ago!

FACTS for any one who wants to challenge once again that I am not sick because I am SICK of defending myself on FACTS:

The claimant has the following severe impairments: bowel dysmotility disorder, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic abdominal pain, depressive disorder, hypotension, syncope with migraines, cervical and lumbar spine degenerative disease/changes, Idiopathic Gastroparesis, chronic pain, seizures, trouble sleeping and worsening of issues of chronic pain and gastrointestinal issues, which can be "very" distressing. 

The claimant's gastrointestinal tract does not function properly. Further, the claimant is limited to eating only certain soups and liquid foods and is down from a beginning weight of 170 pounds to 117 pounds on March 26, 2010.

FACT: Now I am down to 108 pounds after my intestines are cleared with Drano aka Hell-In-A-Jug on a two jugs per week treatment basis.

Last FACT in order to defend myself from those in the city who doubt I am sick: The undersigned finds that SANTA CLAUS (Since I have to wait a week in order to find out if I can use the word JOESMOO) is well qualified to render an opinion as to the severity of the claimant's condition. SANTA CLAUS'S opinion is strongly supported by the evidence from the treating sources, and is consistent with the objective and other evidence of record. SANTA CLAUS also referenced treating source records in the file (ARM LENGTH) dated from April 2008 which report that the claimant has had multiple medical issues for which she has undergone a series of several studies and treatments, including recent referral for a second opinion from a specialist in another state (Exhibit 47F). UPDATE-Make that three clinics.

(For those who don't know, they don't hand out SSD for free. The Social Security Act does state in one of a few FACTS that disability or a combination of impairments can be expected to result in death.)

So....After two seizures within the past five days there are now two doctors appointments for this coming week along with a new temporary (my doctors are hoping) specialist who will be desperately helping me to control the anxiety attacks I have been experiencing for the past week due to hellish stress. This of course isn't from my Idiopathic Gastroparesis or connected problems. My "Hero", "Caregiver", "Stronger-Half" and "Baton-Handler" is still standing strong and holding his ground (make that my ground too). Yes, no one knows quite how he does it but guess what? He does and for that he deserves an award of high honor! AMEN!! We have been receiving an overwhelming out reach of support this weekend from friends and GP family in and out of state. Thank you to those who have stopped by to bring homemade goodies and for this gal the amazing homemade cream soups!! YUMMMMMM! Diane, (since she gave me permission to use her name and would rather not be called Mrs. Santa Claus) let's just say I am keeping the recipe! Thank you also to my loving and supportive "Caregiver-Hero-Supporter's" friends around the city and at work who stand strong by our side offering endless support. It goes to show you there ARE STILL GOOD PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD and thank the Good Lord for that!

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EDT

Updated: July 30, 2012 6:15 AM EDT

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