Mood:
Now Playing: Day 845-The Final Road To Survival

This has NOT been a good day. Not in the least bit and why does death always happen in waves of three? Same with bad luck? Why can't instead GOOD THINGS happen in threes?
It must be how life works but DARN sometimes it just isn't fair and I even start to question my faith...
I might still be dealing with pain but at least its not sharp and instead dull/achy. What I might had been smart to do was take a Dilaudid right away when I got wake up because this was going to be one SAD DAY!
The first part of my NOT AT ALL good of a day was receiving a phone call from the Ranger station at our local park. If you recall we have been feeding an injured female goose while walking at the park over the past few weeks and they were going to have a rescue group come to get her some help. INSTEAD the call turned into my first of many SAD events today. The Sergeant explained that the goose was injured as we had been telling them the past few weeks however once they got a closer look the female goose was also getting very lethargic and couldn't walk any longer or eat. She also couldn't get into the water. The worse part was seeing kids while walking who should know better (including their parents) tormenting the poor goose by throwing rocks or running after her. Trust me by saying for weeks it had been testing my own patience and I played "KID COP" more than my fair share of times. They had a few naturalists who work for the county also look at the goose as well talking things through with a couple of other animal experts. Sadly they had to come to the decision to put her down due to her suffering.
NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. Especially when I am EMOTIONALLY STRESSED OUT and being sick is also EMOTIONALLY DISTRESSING! S I G H....
What used to be a peaceful place to walk and watch geese, ducks and other wildlife animals has now turned into a place of terror because all I can think about is this goose being shot and me being part of it. During our last walk the same area where we fed the injured female goose there was remnants of blood and I remember telling Eric I wonder if her leg is bleeding. I sure the heck didn't know they just shoot the poor goose right there?!! Eric thinks I am just way, way, way too hard on myself but when you live in a city where others are nothing but constantly hard on you what do you expect? Eventually it wears and breaks you down. To me animals have always been a constant source of love for years. After we finished the phone call I had mixed emotions. One, I didn't want to see the poor female goose suffer anymore and be left out from the flock however I know how that feels being different and to me that will always hold a special place in my heart. The other side is I feel that maybe they could had taken her to the animal hospital up north that helps treat geese and other wildlife then release her back into the wild instead of just ending her life.
S I G H....
S A D....
Not that the phone call wasn't hard enough but two hours later Eric comes back in the house after checking on the baby rabbits to tell me they weren't there. HUH?! This might had been a sign to get the pain meds ready because I told myself out loud, "This isn't going to be a good day!" I got enough energy to also walk outside to check on the nest and they were gone. I researched online last night about wild baby rabbits and trust me these were newborns and the Mom wouldn't just move them from the burrow unless she had another one and that would be impossible! I came back into the house and first thing that came to mind was an instinct to go back outside because I remembered this very vivid dream I had in which I "thought" I heard the babies crying so I went back outside and starting finding small pieces of the Mom's fur she uses for the burrow around the grass. Once I came back around near the nest the second part of this SAD SAD SAD day was seeing two mauled baby rabbits and blood below my feet.
I LOST IT!!!!
Being sick and in pain doesn't make for your head to be on straight when it comes to your emotions nor does unnecessary relentless stress surrounding you in this hellish city. Regardless of whatever pain I had I didn't care and instead bend down to see two tiny babies within three inches from each other. I could still recognize their ears and tiny feet. SAD AND HORRIFYING! I don't think those are the words to describe how I felt at that moment, more like DEVASTATED!! Yes. I lost it and through out the course of the entire SAD day I lost it over and over and over and over again. In fact its the first time even around Eric I didn't want to talk. I needed to silence myself so I could get my head back on straight from all the emotions. Eric felt absolutely horrible and could only comfort me but I was so angry at myself because I felt maybe I should had moved them to a safer place or instead of wood maybe he should had got chicken wire like it said online so the Mom could still go in and out of the burrow. I assume the poor and distraught Mom already came back earlier that morning to the nest only to find her babies dead. Too many thoughts that ran through my mind left me to do only one thing, silence myself the remainder of the day. I was too sad to talk, I had nothing to say. I have been around and seen first hand some of the most cruelest people around this city since I have been sick. Animals have been the most kind to me and have given me such unconditional love and happiness. Its Gods little creatures that always made me smile but today three of them sadly got called home to Heaven.
SAD, SAD, SAD...![]()
Being so upset I took a pair of pink gloves and picked up the mangled bodies of the babies then went inside because I remembered I had a little Angel box that was small enough to place them in. What I didn't realize until an hour later was that this same Angel box had a little Angel on it sitting next to two rabbits. Eric found that very ironic. Since we had wood left over from the shelter he made yesterday I took two pieces and made a cross and painted it sky blue. I kept the two baby bunnies by my side in that Angel box until later in the evening when the sun started to set. It was time to say goodbye and I picked some pretty colorful wildflowers and placed them along with the Mom's fur and some hay to protect them. I left it up to me when to bury them seeing this was a very emotional and sad day but I knew the time had come and I kissed the tiny box small enough to hold in the palm of my hand and said goodbye. It wasn't easy in fact I cried, cried and cried again. Its hard when your sick and you lose everything. Not all at once but over time. It wears on your heart and your soul. Life sometimes isn't fair and it can be extremely cruel.
I stayed on the porch for an hour just feeling blank. Its been a horrible past 7 years and even the littlest of happiness sadly gets taken away. I don't get it and I never will. After once again questioning my faith I heard a loud sound and looked up to see one single goose flying over me. It was as if time stood still to serve as a reminder that even God renews all things and that includes our faith and spirit.
"Remember that God placed us here on earth to love and protect the animals. God made humans to take care of the beautiful world and all of His creatures."
-Nicole
One hour you are up! The next hour you are down! Only with Gastroparesis can you be fine one second then in the ER the next. It's no wonder I can't predict anything and forget planning ahead anymore. It doesn't exist.
Once I was finally able to catch a break with the pain Eric took the fur kids out for a walk at the park and on his way back he found a cute little nest of baby rabbits but in a bad spot-the front yard under a small bush. Since he knows my deep love for all wildlife he quickly headed up to the local hardware store and bought some wood to make a protective area for the babies. There are two baby rabbits but they don't have their eyes open just yet so they must be only days old. I love animals and always have my entire life. They are the only things that seem to bring me happiness anymore since I am limited being sick. I can't wait to watch them grow up and finally be on their own. After a nightmarish 24 hours I sure needed a reason to smile and they made my day!
We have finally be able to catch up on some much needed rain the past few weeks although its still very dry and the bushes in the front are already dropping their leaves. What hasn't been starving are all the darn weeds this year. GEEZ! Once you cut them back it seems only days later they return with avengeance. Sometimes I have a "denial moment" and believe maybe, just maybe it was all a bad dream and I am normal again. Its in these moments and lapse of thinking that tend to always get me into trouble.
Ten minutes into "thinking" I could help with the yard work wearing my trusty mask and dark sunglasses instead turned into me about passing out in the backyard instead of helping to clean it up. NOTE TO SELF: NOT TOO SMART! It was a good thing my better half was outside with me and noticed my face turning bright red. Needless to say there won't be anymore bright ideas or lapse of judgment for this gal. That's the hard part living with a medical condition that is not only ruthless but you can never determine one minute from the next. My brain still wants desperately to be normal but my body begs to differ. Same with yesterday and sitting for way too long because last night my spine was suffering the consequences and so were my intestines. Today is all about keeping my body moving without having a heat stroke. DUH ON ME!
By the time we were all ready to head home there were only three cars left in the parking lot. OURS. Hahahahaha! You know us VAMPIREEEEEEEEES......We tend to be awake at night and sleep during the day. Hey! that's life. My LIFE for ya! We both had a nice time but all good things must come to an end and this gal was EXHAUSTED! Once we got back home my better half did all the night time chores getting my couchbed ready and taking the fur kids outside for one last walk. Needless to say there won't be any sheep counting tonight!ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ........ 

Most people dread Mondays but not this gal!
Here we go again folks....Nothing more ANNOYING than having to once again prove to others that I am SICK. The best part of proving this FACTUAL information is when the courts keep records of your SSD hearing. The down side is the continued mental anguish and overwhelming stress once again that I have to endure due to others. More like, "Lack of education and awareness." What I "should" be doing instead is focusing on my health which is #1 priority but instead I am once again having to dig up my past in which I found it literally came full circle. How so you may ask? In the pile of records from my attorney I came across some medical records in which I was told I "might" want to look at when I have some time. Time? Plenty of it seeing I don't get out much when your drinking Drano then battling the aftermath for the next five days. What I came across was not only shocking but extremely sad FACTS. Fact-I was not just a sick infant but a sick adolescent. Fact-I had GI disturbances through out my entire life. Now finally the surgeons FACTS had finally made sense! The questions that still remained unanswered are where is the biopsy reports and where are the specialist reports since I would had been referred to a GI specialist as a child?... Right? Ummm?... Could had things been prevented decades ago? Answer-possibly. Its not a mystery any further wondering how nerves in my GI organs had mysterious just stopped working. Between medical reports that dated back as a young child on top of the list of my severe GI problems per FACTUAL SSD reports have finally started to make sense for not just my doctors but most importantly ME. I have been sick all of my life and sick means the GI road/path that progressed now into my adulthood. 







Oh well....All I can do is continue doing the best I can do and at least my specialists totally understand! They don't want to go the tube or IV route seeing my compromised immune system couldn't handle any line infections. That would only make things a million times worse for me and for them! Lately I am just flat out TIRED but its only to be expected. Friends were over today and even commented on the fact I didn't look so good. Maybe since I see myself in the mirror everyday I don't see the changes as much unlike others who don't see me on a daily basis. I still respect their honesty because I can't deny the fact that if my insides are changing and not for the better my outer appearance will also in time suffer. Thank goodness for hair care products, wigs and make up but sometimes you can't always hide the bags and darkness under your eyes.