Now Playing: Day 634-The Final Road To Survival
FINALLY! I can relax and sit back on my couchbed and blog! You have no idea how much I now look forward to blogging! You know why? I am finding it an amazing way to vent and de-stress...It's also a very helpful way for me to keep up with my progress whether it be medically or personally. I also enjoy writing! Its liberating being able to literally throw myself into something besides a dentist chair. Hahahaha!
Speaking of throwing yourself into a chair!... I like to call this little part of my blog the "Oprah Couch Session." Call it coming clean if you will of any questions out there in my city regarding my health or other false information being thrown out for the world to see or hear. If you can't hear it from the horses mouth then why take it from its tail end? Hahahaha! Just call me "KimEd!" So here we go. I am going to take these one at a time so there are no further false rumors out there to make me roll in my grave later down on the road. We are talking much, much later down the road of course!...I also would rather set the record straight now than later because I honestly have had my limit of stress as my final boundaries are set in the sand.
I like to call this little part of my blog the "Oprah Couch Session." Call it coming clean if you will of any questions out there in my city regarding my health or other false information being thrown out for the world to see or hear. If you can't hear it from the horses mouth then why take it from its tail end? Hahahaha! Just call me "KimEd!" So here we go. I am going to take these one at a time so there are no further false rumors out there to make me roll in my grave later down on the road. We are talking much, much later down the road of course!...I also would rather set the record straight now than later because I honestly have had my limit of stress as my final boundaries are set in the sand.
So if you haven't read it here coming directly from me and you are hearing it via a third party then guess what folks? It isn't true and sorry but you have been dooped. Ready? I am.
- When a 'friend' contacts you on emails or information which was private information based off of feelings then turns around and back-stabs you sharing private emails then maybe this isn't a friend to start with but a drama starter. Funny how a 'friend' would play both sides isn't it? When the emails are based off my feelings of non-support and 'feeling' abandoned then guess what? Those are 'my' feelings and I am entitled to such without being thrown stones.
- I have done my best to make contact with friends from my past on a few occasions. The same friends who left me high and dry once I got sick and diagnosed with Gastroparesis. Let's just say after trying more than a few times and giving information they request but in turn still not contacting me then I got the 'hint' maybe they were just using it the same way as saying 'hi!' to someone out in public. Small talk if you will but honestly no resentment or bad feelings because I extended a second hand out and if its not given back at least at the end of the day I can say I tried.
- I am not on a list of medication as some say out in the city. I take my Drano treatments when I am not under stress and one nausea medication as needed. Tums (occasionally) for acid and Beltonna for intestinal ulcers which didn't work so that leaves me with three medications. Not sure where some think I am taking pain meds or a list of other prescriptions?. I don't even take seizure medication because mine are due to the vagus nerve damage associated with my GP so they didn't work and when I did I was only on them for a week at a time just long enough for my doctors to say, "NEXT!" Come on now. You are accusing someone who lives and will be prior 'lived' with a drug addict. Its scary enough seeing someone become Jekyll and Hyde when a pin drops so why in the world would I want to take any medication to start with? Sure, my doctors are very compassionate and rightfully so with my terminal condition but as I tell them and I am telling you now I REFUSE to take any pain medication. I would rather suffer with the pain and deal with it. Guess what? I have and I still do. Do you count holistic Peppermint Oil as a drug too? If so I guess I am guilty of applying it on a piece of paper towel at night to help ease nausea by breathing it in. No. You can't get high off of it either so might as well shoot that rumor down too if it tries to surface. Hahaha! Medication case closed.
- Doctors, specialists, surgeons, etc can NOT disclose or share any personal information of a patients by law. This includes even if you pay them to be your doctor at your business. They can get sued and their license taken away. Let's just say any specialist who has only seen you two to three times has absolutely no clue about your own 'unique' condition unless they have at least treated you for over a year as well have any and all prior records from all your specialists. My team of 16 specialists whom all treat at least one organ not to forget my dentist who cares for my teeth that makes 17 have been seeing me as their patient for over 8 years now. That makes them experts in knowing my 'unique' medical condition. They are a team and work together as a team to give me the highest quality of care available. My friend has been attending various appointments for quite sometime as well my ex did too so let's just say specialists are not dumb. They can see through things and when it is extremely important for a patient in my case to have support its in the records. Records and emergency room visits speak for themselves as well when my ex had attitude and was hungry so wanted to leave and rush the treating doctor. Or when my ex told my doctors about the lack of support he saw for years or by telling me I couldn't be at home when my condition deteriorates due to 'some' would place me in a nursing home or care facility. That didn't go over so well! Same goes for questions that are or aren't being asked. One should also be an expect at my condition if they are supporting me and are first of all around me enough to even know about Gastroparesis. You can read about a medical condition online all you want but each patient based on the severity and connected problems are going to be different. Like I said and will say it again, "Unless you are here with me and have been at the doctors appointments with me let the doctors play doctor and try not to have a doctor badge on without the degree." When those who go with me at my appointments are telling someone facts its because they are real facts. Anything else, coming from anyone else is just made up crap. If you believe it then get out of my Oprah audience because you clearly belong on the Jerry Springer show. No, my prior medical conditions of having a reaction to a herbal supplement 11 years ago with a temporary superficial clot in my left arm, etc doesn't qualify for having Gastroparesis. My specialists as well clinics who had all my files went over everything. Been there. Done that. No connections. If only it was that easy to figure out the great GP mystery! As far as my brain? Ask any of my doctors how smart I am or better yet ask friends who know me now or better yet I know! Ask SSD health professionals whom stated at my hearing that I am intelligent enough to hold two master degrees but sadly my body is in in no shape to hold any job. My two Neurologists told my ex, "Do you know how smart your wife is? Look here! Look at her brain on these tests and scans! See that? I know she's smart, she's got a great looking brain!" My other specialists always remark by saying, "I don't need to tell you everything, you are highly intelligent and smart enough you can figure it out and usually do before I can." If having 'feeling's and venting them instead of holding them in then later blowing up makes you stupid and questions your cognitive health then I must be the dumbest person around! Hahahaha! Give me a break!
- Was I dumb to put up with crap living with an addict? Yes. Did I give out too many "I forgive you cards?" Yep. Guilty as charged. Did I try to put a stop to things solo and without help from others who also got the wrath of the addictions? Yes. You can't win a war without your troops. I tried and tried my darnest but I got no where fast. Those who think enabling someones addictions will make the person stop are crazy! They look worse than the addict. Remember the addict has it easy, their actions even sober may never affect them. Its the innocent people who have to live with it that suffer ten fold. My GREAT and I will say GREAT Psychologist treated addicts on the side for a very long time and he stopped doing so and will not treat any addicts again. You know why? Because of the damage addicts do to everyone around them. If you want the best and highest quality of advice on the what to do or not to do for someone who has addictions talk to someone who treats or has treated them for over 15 years. Amen. How anyone can sympathize with an addict who would lie, cheat and steal from you over someone who is sick and suffering who didn't ask for their condition is heartless and obviously isn't thinking straight.
- If you don't know how to act around or support someone who has a chronic or terminal condition regardless what it is then go see a therapist who specialists in terminal care and find out. I guarantee they will know first hand what you should do and what NOT to do. That includes not belittling the patient and causing them additional physical and emotional stress. Not everyone is built like the great wall of China being able to handle a tremendous amount of turmoil but I am. Don't patients have enough on their plate already? I think so! As far as if someone makes a critical decision to either help out or not and quickly decides they will NOT help out there is something wrong with that picture. In the end makes you wonder if they were punishing the patient for being sick. Its not a good feeling when someone refuses to accept the person you are today. Sick or not. If you can't accept someone at face value now then don't accept them at all. Remember we are not invincible we all one day will come down with something. How would you like to be treated? Just because someone may be GREAT at reaching out and helping others doesn't mean they treat those closest to them the same way.
- We all have friends that maybe not everyone knows about. Different friends bring different things to the plate of life. Some may bring great advice while others offer humor. Some may be wise in making quick decisions while others offer support and compassion. I have been accused by some of not knowing him or her, etc. Maybe because you are not around me long enough to know or ask. I have many friends. I used to have far more friends in state than out of state. Now I have twice as many friends out of state than both combined but what you see is what you get. They except me at face-value. Take me or leave me. My blog is also real and not fictional. This is my life and my 'feelings.' Trust me this blog benefits me more than most would care to say but if over 86,000 readers can relate or connect with me in a way that helps them in their own life then I see nothing but positive by doing a daily journal about my crazy GP life. Amen.
- Those who like to accuse me over and over again of being distorted about reality need to drink a few more pots of coffee in the morning. I am without a shadow of a doubt 110% fully aware of what I have medically and what I deal with personally. I am also fully aware of bad behavior and being falsely accused maliciously over fabricated crap. Reality is knowing when someone clearly needs to get help of their own and step out of the land of make believe. I have been eyes wideeeee open folks all eight years and 10 months of medical suffering. I don't need to video tape it. I have a darn good memory like a library so if you doubt my common sense then ask me a question. I am sure to have a quick and honest answer for you.
- Try not to compare ones medical condition to another. You can't. That's like comparing apples to oranges. Anyone who uses that same analogy over and over again only shows others the lack of compassion they truly have for the person who is sick.
- When you constantly belittle someone countless times you are bound to get a back fire reaction which might include someone taking their tone of voice up a few notches. You know why? Because maybe you are not really listening and they grew tired of repeating themselves. Patients have feelings too and we are not made of stone. Same goes for any human being.
- You will quickly find out about those later on in life who were fortunately enough to leave a legacy behind and foot prints in the sand. This gal never took the Gastroparesis bull by the horns fighting for years raising Gastroparesis Awareness without great cause! I find anyone who questions my compassion for helping other patients who suffer in silence or reaching out to assist their family, friends or loved ones very disheartening. There is no shame in the power of loving others out there in the world. I don't need nor did I even need to profit by being a good person. I would rather die broken knowing I gave it my all no matter how sick I was to help someone than in the end to die and be judged by how much money I made or how many toys I had. Respect isn't based off of Uncle Sam its based off of those who were always real to the end and fought for what they believed was right. That includes fighting for yourself. That's TRUE RESPECT!
- There comes a time in every ones life when relentless stress can start causing extreme harm to someone internally. You can be the strongest bull in the China shop mentally but human organs can only take so much physically. For those who feel my medical condition might kill them because they can not handle seeing me sick then it is best for now you not see me. Its sad to have to part with those we love but it never was my intention to cause anyone including family stress by being sick. I guess in a strange way in the end I am protecting their lives by putting my own on the line. Until everyone sits down with someone who specializes in treating chronic and terminal patients that can assist the tension that continues to build I must for now go my own separate way. I won't disallow anyone when my time comes to be by my bedside nor put limits on who passes by my coffin when Heaven calls but I just for once wanted to be as real as one can get. I am not dead yet so please don't talk of me as in 'past' tense. The only thing that kills is hope. This was long overdue and I can only take full responsibility of not being upfront with my feelings for years and thinking it was 'ok' to bottle them up because it wasn't. I will take this time in front of over 86,000 readers and apologize for any hell that my condition has caused my parents and my Sister as well their children. Being human means you can accept when you are right and even when your wrong. Being human also means you are sincere when you say your sorry. Its sad that I can't be that person you all once knew years ago. All I can be now is me.
This Oprah couch session went wayyyyyy past the one hour time limit...Heck! Where were the commercials? Time to give Oreo his medication and call it a night. OOPS! I mean a morning. There are other chess pieces just waiting to be moved this week and remember time waits for no one. Amen.