Mood:  don't ask

Ahhhh...OK. Now I know why everyone has been acting scary! It's a full moon weekend! BOO! I guess this explains off the wall behavior. Sure...it all makes perfect sense now!

On a more serious note I got lots of support after last nights crazy, unnecessary and uncalled for chain of events. Thank goodness for friends who understand and can relate due to also living a part of my personal hell. Some in more ways than others but regardless I am still able to stick to my guns and keep both feet firmly on the ground. Consider it like a game of chess. One has to be careful before making any move. NEVER make a move off of emotion. Let all emotions ride out before making any logical steps. You will not only save yourself some time but additional stress.My friend apologized to me today in regards to not sticking up for me while having someone attempt to assault me. Honestly he said, "I don't know what I was thinking but I sure the heck wasn't thinking." It got to him all night and around 5am he confronted my ex about the entire incident that happened all because his puppy 'accidentally' got out of the house when he was walking Littleblue. Remember anyone who comes off drugs is bound to snap for no reason same goes for the sibling and whatever they were taking or under the influence of. Detoxing should be done under a controlled environment and never on your own cold turkey. Its a step down process. Not all at once. Lord only knows but it was CRAZY! My friend asked for my ex to apologize for coming after me and screaming when it wasn't my fault that his puppy 'accidentally' got out but I would never and don't hold my breath.

On top of the chain of events this is Drano treatment day and I still have a swollen back. Its important for me to walk around still due to my Idiopathic Gastroparesis but it doesn't come without the heavy price of constant pain. I have been through worse and I will just have to continue sucking up and dealing with it. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night into the morning and early afternoon. I got a few hours here and there in between the constant text messages and calls from very concerned out of state friends. At least they did talk me into some rational sense and helped me decide the next of many moves which will allow some peace back into my life. Its true! Unless you have lived it yourself or walked in someones shoes you will never know first hand what its like. They all know because they either have been through the same things or live it now. Consider it being a back bone for each other.

This evening once I could come down off between having the shakes and panic attacks I got my mind off of things and did some house chores as well tried my best to clean the car. Same car that sees the open road only twice a week if its lucky! Hahahaha! I didn't forget about the attempted assault last night. It hasn't left my mind. It won't leave my mind until I know justice has been served. I was reminded of my options and plan on taking them. It will be the first and the last time that incident will be happening. I also did a few other proactive things tonight in order to keep the peace. I had enough with stress and if others can't accept me as sick then you might as well not accept me at all. I have taken care of myself, this house and the fur gang for over eight years while being sick and I promise you even if I have to crawl I will be able to continue doing the same for the next eight years or sooner if God feels I finally deserve a peace of Heaven.

You know when it rains it pours and sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. So far I would like to call 2012 the year from hell. Hahahaha! If I need to continue playing the game of Battleship through out the rest of the year to put out all the fires then so be it. I have plenty of time!

With all the stress which should never have happened Oreo had another seizure late this evening. It scared the heck out of me but mostly my friend seeing Oreo was on his bed when it started. Once I came in he was shaking from head to toe and his eyes rolled back. I remembered the veterinarian telling me not to move him and just make sure he is warm and comfortable. Turn off all lights and any noise. We both remembered as we did our best to comfort Oreo. I can't stand with every breath in me seeing my fur kids sick. I know as well first hand all about seizures and they are scary! They also leave you feeling exhausted and disoriented. Oreo was taken to the vet emergency clinic once the seizure stopped. I spoke to the veterinarian seeing I couldn't go due to problems with my back and being in the bathroom. They ran blood work first to make sure there is no internal organ problems. If all comes back clear the vet said they might be dealing with a lesion or brain tumor. My heart just sank. We are taking things one day a time but for now I will fight to keep things as peaceful as possible in this house from here on out. The crazy person last night won't be around me for the rest of their life so that's one down.

I am learning that in life you take it one day and sometimes one hour at a time.

Thank you Kevin, Frances, Brian, John, Mike, AnnMarie, Jan and KimAngel for being the wonderful friends that you are! Thank you for being my rock and backbone when I have felt weak. Yes, it did good to cry it out last night but today is a new day and I got my game face back on! Love you all!

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EST

Updated: January 9, 2012 2:22 AM EST

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Mood:  irritated

Ever lose faith in people? I have.

So much for this being the start of a stress-free weekend. I should had just caned or wheel-chaired my way out of the house tonight but instead some how I made my back much worse last night. It could had been from moving a box or just bending the wrong way. Regardless I figured late last night it would just 'go away' if I just took it easy and used some ice. Instead I didn't sleep well and couldn't get comfortable. The pressure pain was horrible trying to sit up and when I went to move it only got worse. When I looked in the mirror my entire lower back was swollen.  I think I bit my own tongue by not listening to my specialists and taking it easy. I had planned to go out this evening but instead got stuck once again inside my house-jail. At least the animal gang are enjoying having me home. So much for getting out once a week and with treatment tomorrow it doesn't look like I will be getting out to escape anytime soon. If I do it will only be to my local police department or county courthouse.

Did I say police and court?!...

Yes. I did. Seems after minding my own P's and Q's which one would think that would keep the peace I got hit with stress from HELL tonight! Here I was just resting on my couchbed and watching TV when my ex's sibling came over. Of course my friend got up because we weren't sure of the loud music outside and with my neighbor not home you just never know so he opened the door. Don't ask me why my ex's sibling was at the house seeing you know that little saying, "Out of sight, out of mind?" I live by that now and I am only concerned for myself. Once my ex went outside Jingles almost got out of the door behind him. At this point Oreo and Littleblue needed to go outside so my friend put their leashes on and opened the door. Once the door was open Jingles got out and he didn't stay in the yard either. OH NO! With my back being hurt I can't hardly walk to start with so I told my friend to give me their leashes and help my ex catch Jingles puppy. So one would THINK we were doing the right thing so Jingles puppy didn't get hit by a car but INSTEAD I hear my ex cursing up a storm trying to grab Jingles. My friend finally cornered Jingles and caught him but instead of 'thank you' he got a few choice words then the HELL started once again on me. Don't ask me how I got blamed for letting Jingles out when it was just an accident but remember when I said I won't be taking any ones crap anymore? I MEANT IT! My ex came into the house in a rage cursing and screaming at me. At the same time I told his sibling who was outside if they could leave because their brother was out of control but instead of helping to calm him down which normal people would do they came after me. Mouth, fists and all!

Let's be honest by saying anyone who has a drug or alcohol addiction problem you won't be winning any arguments nor reasoning. While I am hearing it from him I am hearing it from his sibling and things were getting NUTS! From minding my own business to once again being a punching bag I had to literally try to shut and lock the door on his sibling who was trying to grab and punch me all at the same time. YES! All this unnecessary stress and madness was going on while my friend of all people was just standing there. Call me crazy but I am not sure what he was thinking! He should had protected me by escorted the sibling off the property so they didn't cause me any further stress nor physical harm but...he didn't. My ex didn't help matters either by continuing to say they can come over and visit when they want. This was also going on while the sibling was still calling me every name under the sun while still reaching for the door and me. I am not sure what they were loaded or tanked on but I was just waiting for them to put their fists through the glass storm door. I wish they would had then maybe when they woke up the next day they would had realized how crazy they looked! I don't even talk to my ex's siblings nor family. I haven't in years so I am not sure why this sibling felt it was 'OK' to come after me like that. Its called aggravated menacing. 

I AM SOOOOOOOO TIRED OF IT!

This is getting old and got old a few years ago but folks we just took things to a different level tonight. Here I sit with absolutely no faith in people within this city. After having the local police here and having to visit another department I remain with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I won't be taking crap. I meant what I said. Luckily my ex got his sibling to leave the property by literally putting them into a choke hold and holding both their hands behind their back. This should had never happened to begin with and someone should had intervened. Instead I feel like once again I am protecting myself with an Army of one called, "ME." A few people had to come by an hour later making sure the fire got put out for good! After they left I had to once again go back up to the police department in the name of protecting me, myself and I.

If anyone thinks alcohol, drug and addiction problems aren't a huge problem and cause nothing but complete hell for innocent people involved you are sadly mistaken! I don't forgive anyone who just stands around and does nothing nor those who enable the behavior. If you can't be proactive and help someone then you are no one in my book. How can anyone feel good about themselves by just sitting back? I have dealt with it first hand and this evening it went to a level that was completely uncalled for! If I could had done things differently I would had let his sibling open the door and come after me this way at least I had my cane to defend myself and who knows with the medical hell I have been put through over the years just how much force would had behind the hand but its called, "Self defense." Instead once again I am finding myself desperately putting a lid on hell and its becoming exhausting fighting all these battles. I'm keeping my promise of self respect and that won't be changing anytime soon.

I told someone tonight if I don't come out of my house and I take a year off from everyone around this city its for my own sake so I can get some peace and quiet. I just have no faith in people within this city. I don't have faith in families either who have troubled individuals and refuse to help them. Its not 'can you' get treatment. It should be 'you will' get treatment. I am a living, breathing human example of people who become the victim and I am tired of it!

No, I won't be sitting back and letting this one slide. Life is short and I won't continue wasting it on petty people. Some say you must forgive the actions of others. I say even God knows you can only allow so much forgiveness! I tend to think he would agree with me by saying, "After three times enough is enough and I won't be forgiving but I will forget because some people no matter who they are just aren't worth your time."

Done.

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EST

Updated: January 8, 2012 2:31 AM EST

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Mood:  chatty

I would had said, "Hopefully this is the start of many stress-free weekends," but no way on my watch! This is the start of ALL stress-free weekends as both feet remain firmly down on the ground. Stubborn is a good word and if so call me Queen Stubborn because there is only one me and I don't come with spare organ parts. There won't be any further stress or crap from anyone making my Gastroparesis take off like wildfire. I have enough medical problems going on with my Idiopathic GP and I don't need any more.

There is a new electrolyte water out on the market competing with SmartWater. For the past two years I have only used SmartWater when it comes to staying hydrated. The new water is called MetroElectro and after I checked the ingredients it has the same as SmartWater but the difference is the added nutrients such as zinc. I decided to buy four large bottles and give it a try. So far so good! I don't taste much of a difference with MetroElectro water compared with SmartWater but any added benefits I can get all the better! I plan on sticking with this water over the next four weeks pending if I do ok and it doesn't make me nauseated or cause any further GI problems. With Gastroparesis if something doesn't agree your body it will definitely let you know!

I had an appointment with Miss Clairol this afternoon. Although my hair is literally coming out in chunks I still have to deal with darn gray hairs! This of course will be temporary. Something I won't miss when I lose the rest of my hair is coloring it. Same goes with trying a zillion hair care products that all say one thing but I don't see a darn thing but a waste of money. I have used all the Biotin products out there on the market but nada-zip! Same goes with nutritional supplements. They never worked for me either. If all this waste of money really worked wouldn't I have a full head of hair again? EXACTLY! Instead I should had spent all that money on wigs that guarantee me hair on my head. Hahahahaha!

Jingles puppy has been off his antibiotics the past few days but this evening I could hear chest congestion starting up again. Looks like he will be going back to the vet this weekend for a second round of medication. Poor little guy! No wonder he wasn't been as energetic today. He even took a seat next to me before I laid down with the heating pad. I love puppies! They are just the cutest! Jingles is starting to develop a personality too and a darn fiesty one! Hahahaha! I tend to think he will be a very BIG BOY in a year. His feet are huge on top of having some very long legs. Littleblue and Oreo at least got to take a few walks to the park across the street today. This weather makes no sense! The temperature was around 65 degrees today and my spring flowers are starting to come up again! YIKES! If we don't start having more winter like weather I can only imagine how horrific allergies will be this coming spring and summer. Forget me stepping out of the house! I'm praying for SNOW! SNOW! and more SNOW!

My friend got his 'school photos' back. Hahahaha! OK. More like work photos. He tried to hide them from me seeing he doesn't like any of them so I had to choose a few for him. Since I already had a photo editor program same that magazines use I can tweak with backgrounds, etc. I decided to send him some chuckles while he was at work this evening and boy! were the photos FUNNY! I will have to post a few this weekend. We both laughed, laughed and laughed! So did his coworkers! Out of ten poses I liked two the best although he still insists he doesn't like either. That's men for ya! Hahaha!

With only one more free day before the ole Drano aka Hell-In-A-Jug treatment me and my friend are going to try doing something tomorrow. This of course all depends on how I feel. I have to be super spontaneous being sick but he has always been very compassionate and totally understands! That's a 'TRUE' friend and support! There are a few places I want to go. Its been years since I have been able to dance again. If only for one song I will still be content. I also used to enjoy live local music and bands. Another "TO DO" on my list.

"You have to start living today for you!" Thank you Scott for that reminder, you certainly are right! Amen.

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EST

Updated: January 7, 2012 2:34 AM EST

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Mood:  surprised

So far the water has been calm today! Between the unnecessary stress on top of rebounding from the ole Drano I am doing my best to get as much rest as possible. I have gotten nothing but broken sleep the past few days but only as expected.

I made sure to set my cell phone alarm last night for my doctor-therapist appointment today. Of course I was awake way before my alarm went off since Littleblue is still in her Mommy mode collecting stuffed animal hedgehog puppies all hours of the day and night. I expect this to only last maybe one more week. Its cute but at the same time I think I am just as exhausted as she is! Hahahaha! Oreo is doing a bit better although hes still very slow when moving around. I keep a close eye on him and Littleblue as well Jingles puppy. Oreo and Littleblue have another week of antibiotics then need to get rechecked. Jingles is finally finished with all his medication so he will be rechecked this week since he was the one who brought all the nasty germs and viruses home. He is a handful! It seems so long ago when Littleblue was 'little.' Jingles will give you a run for your money and then some! Hes hilarious when he goes into the run mode going round and round the couch, at least three to four laps then DONE! Oreo gets exhausted just from watching him! Hahahaha!

I had a team of support at my doctors appointment this afternoon. Honestly there was a lot to talk about since there is so much going on. Not just information from my therapist but as well help coming from a local Chief of police and a Woman helping Woman organization making sure I arm myself with information taking all the proper actions and moves I can in order to keep the peace in my life. Its been amazing all the support and I once again feel like the strong, confident take no BS gal I used to be before getting sick with Idiopathic Gastroparesis. Change will take time but I refuse to turn back! I'm grateful as well getting insight from someone who also has a family member who is an addict. This week has started a chain reaction setting boundaries with others. I also had to cut ties. Its not easy but in order for others to respect me I have to first respect myself. I am not dead yet so I refuse to be treated as such. I didn't ask to be sick. Especially with such a rare and unknown GI condition like Gastroparesis. I can't help nor change that some might see me as already dead or refuse to accept the new me. My condition won't be going anyway anytime soon. Take it or leave it. More like take me or leave me. I am just tired of the crap and rude behavior from others.

Sometimes you just have to set boundaries and demand respect. If it doesn't work the first time then like a broken record those boundaries will be repeated over and over again. Right now I don't trust many people around this area. I can count on one hand how many I do trust. Pretty sad isn't it? Its called being burned a bit too many times.

While facing change for the BETTER I am also juggling a few changes with my Gastroparesis. Like hair loss caused by mal-absorption syndrome. (Mal-absorption syndrome is defined as the body’s inability to absorb the vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients it needs from food. Nutritional deficiencies may be experienced by an individual with malabsorption syndrome, even if the diet is healthy or nutritional supplements are taken. The disorder stems from impaired digestion, or from the inability to absorb nutrients into the bloodstream from the small intestine)

In other words, "I am running out of hair!" I don't see any new hair regrowth either. My doctors have run every test under the sun but no luck! It just comes back to the same thing-Idiopathic Gastroparesis complications-poor absorption. The last few weeks I have come to the understanding that I just need to embrace wigs. Have fun with them! Not consider them as a horrible reminder of my condition. Its not like back in the day when wigs were rare and not many people wore them. Now you will find lots of celebrities wearing a variety of wigs. My first time out in public with one on was New Years eve. I sported a long blond two tone look. I took some of my Christmas money and bought another one today which is almost the same color of my natural hair now but with dark red high lights and side bangs. Next venture out I plan on wearing my latest wig. It might take a bit but no need to cry over something I can't change and hair I won't be getting back.

One thing I got scolded on today was not using my cane as instructed by my specialists. Yes, I don't feel the pain of bone on bone with my lower lumbar but its important for me to use the cane to support my spine that has shifted on top of not having any discs left and fractures. I told my therapist today in front of everyone that I admit to letting my ego get in the way. It bothers me the looks I get out in public when all I really want when I do get out of the house is to be able to fit in with the rest of society. I don't want to wear the "LOOK AT ME! I AM SICK BADGE." My therapist also got on me about not using the wheelchair and giving my back a break as instructed. He said, "Think of it as a leg or sports related injury." I guess I could try that but most important I BETTER start listening to my doctors instructions. I don't want to be paralyzed from the waist down sooner than expected but at the same time I need to remember my spine is shifted and damaged. I feel like I have so much on my plate already that I don't know where to begin. I haven't even set up the hospital test yet to have the cyst rechecked in my chest. GEES!

One thing at a time...

I am doing good keeping up with the Drano aka Hell-In-A-Jug treatments so maybe per every ones suggestion I take my wall calender in the kitchen and put it to good use! This way I am not feeling overwhelmed nor forgetting important reminders. The next appointment is with my GI doctor regarding medication, intestinal ulcers (which in my opinion are mainly being caused by the darn Hell-In-A-Jug and stress), Drano treatments, home care and support. At least I am starting to take the necessary steps to finally put a LID on the stress part!

Two days of Drano freedom left so my friend suggested once a week if I am feeling well enough we get out to escape a bit. I couldn't agree with them more! CHEERS to better days ahead in 2012!!

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EST

Updated: January 6, 2012 3:13 AM EST

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Mood:  energetic

Ever lose yourself? Ever lose your self respect and dignity along with it? I did when I got diagnosed with Idiopathic Gastroparesis as it weakened my ability to think clearly thus becoming a weak person that I didn't like. Some how, some where and some day though when you least expect a button gets pushed and you find that strong person again.

WELCOME BACK MY FIERY FRIEND!

With a little help of some wonderful strong supportive people over the past three days I have done nothing but make positive changes and slowly refill my self respect right back where it should had been all along. AMEN! Like my sign, I am a scorpion in the corner just waiting to sting. I won't be taking anymore crap from anyone. It has caused me enough emotional stress and physical harm that it isn't worth it anymore. Some how I don't think I really needed to start taking self defense or boxing classes. I have enough fire in me now that I fear nothing and no one. Now remember...I haven't been punched or pushed 'yet' but at this point what I have been through as well seen anything is possible and let me tell you, "This gal is READY!" I know my limits and I know my boundaries and I might not have an Army standing behind me in this state but I have an Army of one called 'MYSELF' and she is one pissed off person!

Let's just say all the lying, screaming, cursing, yelling, belittling and being aggressive towards myself and any living creature has pushed my final button and warn my patience thin. Everyone has their limits. I will do whatever it takes to keep peace in my life. I was like this before I got sick and everyone respected me. I lost my respect somehow along the GP journey. Now I FINALLY HAVE IT BACK! Thank you to those who are my strength. Those who are strong and got me back on the right track!

Fear not because I am not alone. My friend had to recently take the bull by the horns and their life back with it too. Good for HIM! With a family who sided with the person who stole, lied, cheated, manipulated and conned everyone he sadly had to finally cut ties leaving just a few by his side. The tremendous amount of stress it was causing him when he was the one that had to deal with the addict was enough. He finally found the strength to push back and find some peace again for himself. I respect when others respect themselves. No one knows what its like to live with someone who has addictions unless they live with it. You can do the blame game all you want but being sick doesn't excuse someone to become an addict, theft or lier. I guess you can say he crossed the fine line in the sand and left the non supportive people behind. You gotta do what you gotta do in life to be happy! When people don't support you and protect you what good are they? They aren't.

I see my amazing therapist tomorrow armed with a team of support also accompanied by support. No. This fire won't be put out anytime soon. I go to bed with one eye open and wake up the same way. I am VERY alert to my surroundings and rightfully so. Even with all this crap going on I still have to do my treatments-no pun intended and just finished one up last night. Life doesn't stop for no one and neither does the ole Drano aka Hell-In-A-Jug either. Maybe now that I have learned to respect myself again others will learn to respect me back and not use me as a pushover or rug to walk on. If you want to push just expect to be pushed back. I take my health very seriously and won't be allowing anyone to take precious time off my hands anymore. Amen.

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EST

Updated: January 5, 2012 3:20 AM EST

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Mood:  sharp

OH HECK NO! I REFUSE to start this new year off on the wrong foot. I am lacing up my boxing gloves ready to fight off any evil that walks into my life or is already in it. This is the year for change. I am not asking. I am DEMANDING it!

There is nothing more powerful than surrounding yourself with strong people. I have already teamed myself up with someone who sadly enough is dealing with the exact same crazy stuff going on in their life. Maybe we are separated brother and sister by birth? Not sure but every bit of information we share is a mirrored image of one hellish past year. Mine a bit longer but still this is a great way to stick to our guns helping each other through the battle. Not only do they have an addict in their family but deal with others who believe he is the reason for the person to choose a road of drugs, lying, stealing and manipulation. Just sad isn't it? The only problem is these same people who point fingers at the one who is stuck dealing with the addict don't live with it. If they do come around I bet they don't stay long enough to see how damaging the addicts behavior can affect others who live in the same house with them.

Trust me its not pretty folks!

I personally have been called every name in the book as well other things I can't say online. I always remember its the disease talking however I also believe the person still knows what comes out of their mouth and can control it. I have had personal belongs stolen, medication stolen, prescriptions stolen and money that I saved from busting my chops on my SSD disability case for two years only to see it POOF! GONE! If anyone believes that someone who suffers from any medical condition causes someone to behave like this has literally fell off their rocker! I recently watched a puppy get tossed across the floor which only God knows how I kept my COOL! Let's just say if that happens again I doubt I will just stand there. I am not the gal who will sit back and watch bad things happen to anything that is living and breathing. I have my fight mode on and so far over the last forty eight hours I have contacted a local gym on taking self defense classes and boxing. Thanks to the person who lead me into the right direction. You know who you are and I do thank you. YES! What little energy I have left through out the week after treatments will now be put to great use! Some say I am in survivor mode. Yes, you could call it that but I like to say I am tired of the crap! I have seen the damage first hand that addicts can do leaving nothing but a trail of devastation behind them. And I thought Gastroparesis was evil?!

I was led to a organization and support group with people like myself who want to put a stop to the violence. Come on now, a year is enough but this has gotten way out of hand. How anyone can just sit back and walk away or act like nothing is happening is a coward in my book! If I had the money I would had already personally got the individual the extreme help they needed. Once they got clean and their lives back on track I am sure they would be shocked how they treated everyone around them. My specialists say, "It would be a rude awakening and seriously doubt the individual would want to go back to living such a self destructive life." I couldn't agree with them more. All this crap can only cause me to have more problems medically and I am sure it has rapidly progressed my condition. Heck with losing my hair, I am just glad I haven't lost my marbles! I have been functioning with the skeletons holding this secret in my closet the past year or so and I am sick of it. I am DONE WITH IT! This was also done with only three people who were strong enough to be by my side through out the ordeal. Sad isn't it?

So I guess you could say instead of taking the unhealthy route I am taking the 'healthy' route and venting. I am pissed! I am so angry I lost a great deal of my life to someones addictions. Sure, I can't take back the time but I can put a handle on my future and seize MY days here on out. Amen.

You know the bully syndrome right? Its when someone tries to manipulate those they feel are weaker than themselves. Ever watch the show on MTV called, "Bully Beatdown?" I feel instead of the court system which is only there to serve the guilty we just take those in the world who act like idiots and place them in a cage in front of the innocent and those who are victims and personally serve them a memorable punishment. I don't believe in jails. I believe in treating others like they treat you. The great USA might be great but try pulling some of the crap like raping, beating, robbing, stealing and murdering in another country and you are lucky to even see a court room. There are countries where they make sure the punishment fits the crime. I respect that!

If I hear one more time I can't take care of myself....Its the biggest line of crap I have ever heard! Hmmmm...If I can't take care of myself how the heck do I take care of a house, fur kids, finances then on top of it take care of others on top of being sick?! This isn't disability, this is hell folks. Yes, I am very upset! I don't cry a river I get things resolved and maybe I brushed off things a bit too long. On one hand I do take full responsibility of any behavior enabling someones addictions. I will be the first to admit maybe there were times when I knew I should had done this or should had done that but when you remember someone for the wonderful, kind hearted person they used to be you sometimes let things slide. What I shouldn't had let slide was my self respect and pride. Amen.

I am a Gastroparesis patient who deserves nothing but full support from everyone around me and that also includes protecting me from any bullying or unwanted stress. I can only hope this blog serves to show those who are going through the exact same thing I am as well a friend of mine that you don't deserve to be treated this way. You are better than that and sometimes you just have to know when to place both feet firmly down on the ground. People can only be pushed so far until one day they push back. I don't stand for domestic violence in any way, shape or form. Sadly I know someone else who also needs to place both feet firmly down and get their self respect back. You can't change people or tell them what to do but I want to be a POSITIVE EXAMPLE and ROLE MODEL not a pushover. If you can relate to any part of this blog I pray you too find the support and help you need to start making changes for YOU. Trust me by saying life is far too short. Make them now. Make them today. Not later.

“God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight.”

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:40 PM EST

Updated: January 5, 2012 2:11 AM EST

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Mood:  sharp

It's the start of a new day. That's whats great about life. You can leave a bad day in the past and start off a new one on a clean slate!

Finally the holiday decorations are all put away. Honestly I doubt I will put up that many decorations next year and maybe just resort to a few trees and lights around the fireplace. Its just too exhausting and takes up way too much time! I feel like the holidays anymore are nothing but a mere hassle. I vow next year if others want to celebrate the festive season with me they will need to either drive or fly down south to the coast. I am aiming a personal goal of mine to have a peaceful Christmas next year. Once me and my friend put the last of the boxes back downstairs in the basement I could feel a huge sigh of relief come over me. 

The fur kids are still on antibiotics and although not 100% better they are at least eating a bit of canned food. I have to fill a bowl up with milk or water and bring it to them hoping they will at least drink a bit. Oreo still isn't drinking that much which has me a bit worried. If it continues by tomorrow evening I will have to take him back to the vet Wednesday. If anything at least the can food has water in it to help keep them hydrated. Jingles puppy is slowly getting back to himself. He is full of tons of energy running back and forth room to room. He still likes to eat laying down which I assume might just be called 'lazy' instead of being sick. Hahaha!

What we did have today was SNOW!!! BEAUTIFUL SNOW! I was so happy seeing all the pretty white flakes coming down that it truly made my day! Maybe God said, "This gal finally needs a bit of joy in her life!" Amen! Its even cold now and feeling more like winter. I sure wish this could last year round. Yes, I am living in the wrong state. Maybe Alaska or high on top of a mountain in Colorado might suit me better! Winter air just smells so much better because you don't have the humidity nor all the allergens in the air. Hopefully they are expecting us to have a lot more snow through the rest of the winter. One can only hope!

I decided today that this is going to be a changed year. I am so tired of going in circles over and over again. The same ole song and dance needs a different tune! Of course I will need lots of support and some help with my changes. Today I took the first step and it felt great! Its sad to say but when you deal with someone who has addictions their behavior can turn into emotional abuse, some may also call it domestic violence. It doesn't have to be physical either but mental. Its just all part of the addiction. Thankfully I will be getting the help I need to remain a strong person and stand my ground. Its never OK to take emotional abuse from anyone. I am not sure why I ever did to start with but its in the past and today is the present. I can't keep looking back when what I really need to do is look ahead. Yes, this is a blog about a Gastroparesis patient and this part holds true. Sometimes when one is sick people around the person who becomes an addict blames the individual who is sick for the addicts behavior. This is where the blame game starts when in all actuality maybe an intervention should had been done to help the person who has the addiction problems. Its easy to turn a blind eye to what goes on behind closed doors but honestly who finds their behavior OK when they know their own behavior isn't right to start with? Amen.

I have never played the 'SICK CARD' and I am tired of hearing my illness as an excuse for someone who has addiction problems. I am tired of hearing I, they, we, she, he can't help them when there are plenty of options out there to choose from. Its sad when everyone stands back and watches someone slowly decline and refuse to help the person. I did all I can at the same time being called every name in the book and put through more stress than one should ever have to go through in a lifetime. I have to use the 'SICK CARD' with this because guess what? I am sick. I have Gastroparesis but also dealing with inappropriate and unacceptable behavior.

Sorry but I don't find sitting back and watching someone who is sick deal with more stress without doing something about it OK. Sometimes I feel like when people don't understand something then go educate yourself and learn!

"People who struggle with addictive behaviors are often in denial about their situation or are unwilling to seek treatment. Often they don't recognize the negative effects their behavior has on themselves and others. It's not your fault and anyone who accepts or enables an addicts behavior is completely unacceptable. They aren't the solution, instead they also become the problem"

Thank goodness for this blog because I am able to read the changes that have been taken place in my life over the past few years. Not just what Gastroparesis does health wise but how weak it used to make me feel and being vulnerable as a punching bag for others. But not anymore. The same ole song and dance has finally ended and I will continue seeking all the help I need to keep it that way.

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EST

Updated: January 3, 2012 2:07 AM EST

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Mood:  don't ask

If this is what I have to look forward to in 2012 then I might as well pack it up and head to GP Island for the remainder of the year. AMEN!

It all started around 7:40am when I was sound asleep then woke up with Littleblue sitting up looking at me and a heavy feeling on the blanket. I was SMART to have two blankets last night seeing Littleblue was vomiting on me. YIKES! Let's just say I now have three fur kids at home all sick with the same viruses passing them around. Since they are airborne what I didn't know was this particular virus can also be caught by humans. Of course as the vet explained yesterday its only a risk for those with compromised immune systems so that once again puts me on the medical lottery. If they had such a lottery I would be a billionaire by now because anything rare out there I always seem to be the unlucky victim. I woke up my friend since Littleblue wouldn't stop vomiting and needed to go to the vet. The emergency clinic is only five minutes from the house and the veterinarian who treated Oreo said more than likely Littleblue would get the same virus.

He was sure right!

Once my friend let Jingles puppy outside and came back in to get the car situated with a few blankets, paper towels and a puke bag I was up myself puking in the bathroom. Not from the virus but my darn GP and intestines! YOU GOT TO BE JOKING ME! What a start to the new day! My friend was nice enough to not just help Littleblue out and the rest of the fur kids but also help me back to the couch. I couldn't go with him as sick as I was feeling but he was only there for an hour to get Littleblue started on two injections, one for the vomiting and the other an antibiotic. I had emergency pills at home from my last ER visit due to intestinal vomiting. I am taking the medicine for intestinal ulcers but still having the pain and burning. Luckily I see my Gastroenterologist in less than two weeks. For now it looks like this is the start of a week from HELL!

Later this evening I had to deal with more stress on top of being sick. Not like this is anything new. I feel like I am starting the same ole crap as I did last year. One huge never ending circle and told myself this just has to stop! I have to take care of myself and my health. I don't have time to deal with stress. I won't tolerate it anymore! Sick or not its just not worth the energy. I have learned you will never win any arguments either when someone is an addict. Thank goodness my living situation will be changing later this month. You can lead the horse to water but you can't make them drink. I hope to God I never have to deal with another person who is an addict for the rest of my life but if for some freak chance I do things will be different. I don't have it in me to put up with the level of things I have over the past year. My friend said, "I don't know how you do it or did it for so long but you have more patience then anyone I have ever seen." He babysits those who are addicts down at the county jail and sees first hand what they can do to everyone around them. Its a sad situation but until the person realizes they have a problem and want to get help you can't help them. I am fortunate to have a great therapist who has been working with me to arm myself with common knowledge and a list of what NOT to do living with an addict. He himself has treated addicts for over twenty years but because of the huge toll they take on family, friends and loved ones he no longer treats them. Sometimes like today I meet my limit, especially when I am not feeling well but I am glad to quickly overcome the anger and get back on track. You will never win an argument with anyone under the influence so as my specialists tell me you must learn to mentally and emotionally check yourself out from the individual.

Tomorrow is a new day and if I am to start turning over a new leaf in this New Year I must also learn when to put my foot down and say, "I had enough." Its tough when you don't want to see someone destroy their lives but I can't enable their behavior either. Time to zip it and not worry about others who create stress. Time to put those ear plugs and horse blinds on if I want this to be a better year. Amen. This email vacation response I got from a friend of mine when I went to send them a reply email this evening and thought it was just right up my alley. You have to respect honesty!

Wishing you all a Happy New Years! I plan on having a Very Changed Happy New Year! A lot of I will not's will take place and will most likely upset a lot of people, BUT I really don't care! My list of I will not's and changes will be life changing for me!!!...The Bull of 2011 is fixin to change! Hope your New Year will be as Happy as mine will be. I guarantee that mine will be Happier than before..."I Have A Plan" 
 

This is from someone who also owns a funeral home. Need I say more?...

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 11:59 PM EST

Updated: January 2, 2012 4:28 AM EST

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Mood:  celebratory

I don't know how many others feel the way I do but let's just say I can't WAIT to bid this year a flippin GOOD BYE!

Of course my New Years Eve plans have taken a bit of a turn since I now not only have Jingles puppy I am watching who is sick but as well now Oreo. They started him on medication once the injection wore off so my friend gave him his pills today. It was tough getting Oreo to swallow the pill because he hasn't ate nor drank any water yet due to still not feeling well. We haven't noticed any seizures today so thats a good thing but like humans who have seizure disorders including myself you can't predict where or when they will happen next. Thank goodness he is being well taken care of here at home!

By 5pm I called to see if someone could come over and check on the fur kids this way at least me and my friend could get a break out of the house and possibly ring in a WELCOMED New Year! AMEN! I told them to just stop by around 10pm seeing we didn't even make it out of the house until almost 9pm. I purchased a cute dress a month ago and was really wanting to wear it out for New Years and my friend got a new pair of pants with comberbun and tie. I was determined as ever to give myself a break so after we changed clothes and I embraced my wig side due to my hair barely being there anymore we headed out to have some fun. Honestly I didn't realize the traffic we would run into on the way to our destination. Our goal was to leave by 7:40pm but with two sick fur kids at home departure time had to be pushed back.

We got tickets last month for a Michael Jackson tribute show at a casino in Indiana. Its only about a twenty minute drive so it wasn't too far but WOW was it crowded!! Once we got there I was already starting to get a bit tired. Its been a long past few days and although it always feels great getting out of the house and blending in with society it sadly doesn't take too long before the ole GP drains my energy. We did stay for a little over two hours. At least long enough to ring in the New Year. Funny thing was when I asked my friend what time it was seeing I had to make a bathroom trip he said I had ten minutes before it turned midnight. His cell phone clock must has been a bit off seeing once I went into the bathroom and sat down I heard loud music and horns, etc. I quickly went to wash my hands and overheard a few other people said, "Wow! we only have fifteen seconds left before the New Year!" Let's just say it was the fastest sprint out of the bathroom I ever did! LOOK OUT NIKE! Hahahaha!

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 8:40 PM EST

Updated: January 2, 2013 1:31 AM EST

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Mood:  celebratory

Finally! It's New Years Eve! I don't know about some of you but this gal can't wait to give this year 2011 a swift KICK BYE-BYE!

Of course me and my friend didn't get up until mid afternoon due to a house full of sick kids. Oreo hasn't ate or drank anything yet and just laying around. Jingles still has the hacking cough but not as bad prior to getting checked out and put on medication. We weren't sure about this evenings plans seeing things at home were still touch and go. Honestly with all the wash that still needs to be done from Oreo puking our destination time if we do go out might have to be pushed back. Oreo was also very hard to get him to swallow his pills. It was a two person effort on the first time around.

So by 7:00pm after making a call to have someone stop by the house to check on the fur gang we both got dressed to ring in the New Year. I bought a really cute dress earlier this month and my friend got a new pair of pants with comber bun and tie. This was also the first time I embraced my wig side seeing my hair is on its last leg or more like last strand, hahahaha! We bought tickets to a Michael Jackson tribute show last month at a casino which is only around a twenty minute drive from the house. We 'planned' on heading out to beat the holiday traffic no later than 8pm however that didn't happen with so many things going on around the house. By the time we got close to the casino the traffic was already bad but I was determined as ever to enjoy the night!

Everyone was dressed up at the club and casino. They also had live bands playing and the crowd was pretty much under control. Not too many drunks seeing I can't stand out of control people. Sorry...but I am not in my 20's anymore and don't plan on reliving those days either. Once it came close to around midnight I asked my friend how many minutes we had left seeing I had to run to the bathroom. He told me we still had ten minutes but his cell phone clock must had been a bit off. By the time I sat down in the bathroom I heard loud music, horns, etc. I quickly washed my hands while overhearing two woman say, "Wow! we are just fifteen seconds away from the New Year." Let's just say that was the fastest run out of the bathroom I have ever done because I refuse to ring in a New Year in the bathroom! I spend enough time in there at home during treatments. AMEN! Watch out Nike! This gal was FAST! Hahahahaha!

Posted by GastroparesisAwarenessCampaignOrg. at 8:40 PM EST

Updated: January 2, 2012 3:37 AM EST

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