Mood:
sadNow Playing: Day 845-The Final Road To Survival
This has NOT been a good day. Not in the least bit and why does death always happen in waves of three? Same with bad luck? Why can't instead GOOD THINGS happen in threes? 
It must be how life works but DARN sometimes it just isn't fair and I even start to question my faith...
I might still be dealing with pain but at least its not sharp and instead dull/achy. What I might had been smart to do was take a Dilaudid right away when I got wake up because this was going to be one SAD DAY!
The first part of my NOT AT ALL good of a day was receiving a phone call from the Ranger station at our local park. If you recall we have been feeding an injured female goose while walking at the park over the past few weeks and they were going to have a rescue group come to get her some help. INSTEAD the call turned into my first of many SAD events today. The Sergeant explained that the goose was injured as we had been telling them the past few weeks however once they got a closer look the female goose was also getting very lethargic and couldn't walk any longer or eat. She also couldn't get into the water. The worse part was seeing kids while walking who should know better (including their parents) tormenting the poor goose by throwing rocks or running after her. Trust me by saying for weeks it had been testing my own patience and I played "KID COP" more than my fair share of times. They had a few naturalists who work for the county also look at the goose as well talking things through with a couple of other animal experts. Sadly they had to come to the decision to put her down due to her suffering.
NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. Especially when I am EMOTIONALLY STRESSED OUT and being sick is also EMOTIONALLY DISTRESSING! S I G H....
What used to be a peaceful place to walk and watch geese, ducks and other wildlife animals has now turned into a place of terror because all I can think about is this goose being shot and me being part of it. During our last walk the same area where we fed the injured female goose there was remnants of blood and I remember telling Eric I wonder if her leg is bleeding. I sure the heck didn't know they just shoot the poor goose right there?!! Eric thinks I am just way, way, way too hard on myself but when you live in a city where others are nothing but constantly hard on you what do you expect? Eventually it wears and breaks you down. To me animals have always been a constant source of love for years. After we finished the phone call I had mixed emotions. One, I didn't want to see the poor female goose suffer anymore and be left out from the flock however I know how that feels being different and to me that will always hold a special place in my heart. The other side is I feel that maybe they could had taken her to the animal hospital up north that helps treat geese and other wildlife then release her back into the wild instead of just ending her life.
S I G H....
S A D....
Not that the phone call wasn't hard enough but two hours later Eric comes back in the house after checking on the baby rabbits to tell me they weren't there. HUH?! This might had been a sign to get the pain meds ready because I told myself out loud, "This isn't going to be a good day!" I got enough energy to also walk outside to check on the nest and they were gone. I researched online last night about wild baby rabbits and trust me these were newborns and the Mom wouldn't just move them from the burrow unless she had another one and that would be impossible! I came back into the house and first thing that came to mind was an instinct to go back outside because I remembered this very vivid dream I had in which I "thought" I heard the babies crying so I went back outside and starting finding small pieces of the Mom's fur she uses for the burrow around the grass. Once I came back around near the nest the second part of this SAD SAD SAD day was seeing two mauled baby rabbits and blood below my feet.
I LOST IT!!!!
Being sick and in pain doesn't make for your head to be on straight when it comes to your emotions nor does unnecessary relentless stress surrounding you in this hellish city. Regardless of whatever pain I had I didn't care and instead bend down to see two tiny babies within three inches from each other. I could still recognize their ears and tiny feet. SAD AND HORRIFYING! I don't think those are the words to describe how I felt at that moment, more like DEVASTATED!! Yes. I lost it and through out the course of the entire SAD day I lost it over and over and over and over again. In fact its the first time even around Eric I didn't want to talk. I needed to silence myself so I could get my head back on straight from all the emotions. Eric felt absolutely horrible and could only comfort me but I was so angry at myself because I felt maybe I should had moved them to a safer place or instead of wood maybe he should had got chicken wire like it said online so the Mom could still go in and out of the burrow. I assume the poor and distraught Mom already came back earlier that morning to the nest only to find her babies dead. Too many thoughts that ran through my mind left me to do only one thing, silence myself the remainder of the day. I was too sad to talk, I had nothing to say. I have been around and seen first hand some of the most cruelest people around this city since I have been sick. Animals have been the most kind to me and have given me such unconditional love and happiness. Its Gods little creatures that always made me smile but today three of them sadly got called home to Heaven.
SAD, SAD, SAD...
Being so upset I took a pair of pink gloves and picked up the mangled bodies of the babies then went inside because I remembered I had a little Angel box that was small enough to place them in. What I didn't realize until an hour later was that this same Angel box had a little Angel on it sitting next to two rabbits. Eric found that very ironic. Since we had wood left over from the shelter he made yesterday I took two pieces and made a cross and painted it sky blue. I kept the two baby bunnies by my side in that Angel box until later in the evening when the sun started to set. It was time to say goodbye and I picked some pretty colorful wildflowers and placed them along with the Mom's fur and some hay to protect them. I left it up to me when to bury them seeing this was a very emotional and sad day but I knew the time had come and I kissed the tiny box small enough to hold in the palm of my hand and said goodbye. It wasn't easy in fact I cried, cried and cried again. Its hard when your sick and you lose everything. Not all at once but over time. It wears on your heart and your soul. Life sometimes isn't fair and it can be extremely cruel.
I stayed on the porch for an hour just feeling blank. Its been a horrible past 7 years and even the littlest of happiness sadly gets taken away. I don't get it and I never will. After once again questioning my faith I heard a loud sound and looked up to see one single goose flying over me. It was as if time stood still to serve as a reminder that even God renews all things and that includes our faith and spirit.
"Remember that God placed us here on earth to love and protect the animals. God made humans to take care of the beautiful world and all of His creatures."
-Nicole
