Just... Breathe...
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Day 2898-Chapter 3... Happiness~My Silver Lining

 

Here we go! Time to play catch up!

I decided to write todays blog first in order to allow myself to vent a bit. Just... breathe...

This is really what I wanted to do when my cell phone alarm went off at 6am. Sleep in this morning while watching the very first glistening snowflakes slowly fall from the heavens above. It was honestly the best part of my day. I love snow!

We actually got our very first snowfall over the weekend. But with having some serious fun enjoying my passion for cooking. I haven't had a chance yet to post about our first snow fall here in the country. Also my very first picture taken of the beautiful snow outside our dining room window. Such a beautiful sight! My most favorite sight of this magical time of the year. I LOVE SNOW***

What I don't love is having to sit in the car before leaving for a far-too-early specialist appointment this morning. My mistake for not being fully awake and forgetting to let the car run a bit so the windows could thaw out from the thick frost and light dusting of snow. BRRRRR! Tis the time for big comfy sweaters and oversized coats! This morning is just one of many specialists appointments and surgical procedures that have been scheduled for the remainder of this month. Today is only the beginning of the year-end medical madness. Just when I was beginning to enjoy the peace and quiet. A break from the poking and preying. I am back at it again! A far too early morning meeting with my specialist regarding an unfortunate finding.

I dread days like today. Especially when unfortunate news gets handed to me... first thing in the morning.

You know when they squeeze you into a far-too-early appointment. What is about to transpire can not be good. I have yet to find myself in a good situation when my specialists office calls the prior week to work me into their schedule at the beginning of the following week. Today was no exception to the cardinal medical rule. My rule... anyways.

This morning was a very long detailed chat and re-examination with regards to once again being told, "A very critically complex medical case." Seems two of my specialists have officially handed over my entire case to Cleveland Clinic. Ironically, I was the last to know as myself and Eric were told they were only going to be consulting with them. I was also instructed to begin seeing a new pain management specialist back in Ohio. This new specialist is actually able to prescribe a far wider range of new experimental pain medications that my current specialist can not get ahold of here in Indiana. I didn't see my pain specialist today, but his note was dictated within my medical chart for my specialist to read to me this morning. Crossing the state lines, once again, back to Ohio. In all actuality, I really don't see myself having the ability to add new specialists from here in Indiana to my current team. The problem is due to the complexity with my medical case. They are not comfortable partaking in my care. That within itself can be downright frustrating. But sometimes it is, what it is.

A new finding had been allowed to brew for the past four months. If it weren't for Eric being concerned and the site actually starting to cause sharp pain. I wouldn't had brought it up to my specialist a little over a week ago. If it wasn't for the fact that when one has any type of cancer that has not been successfully treated or cured. And knowing that the possibility of another type of cancer surfacing is very real and very possible... would I had not brought up the new finding to my specialist. But I did so due to the pain that it began causing me. Also Eric's concern with it growing. This morning I was given the news of a new cancer diagnosis. Of all things... skin cancer.

Just... breathe...

Yep, that is pretty much how I have been since this morning. The diagnosis itself wasn't very surprising. I had watched it grow over the past 4 months after unsuccessfully trying to doctor it myself. Crazy how much one can go through over the course of their lifetime dealing with one medical blow after another. From an infant, to an adult. I grew tired of doctors, hospitals and the constant poking and preying. I assumed if maybe I attempted to doctor it myself at home. It would just go away on it's own. But it didn't. The cancerous lesion only got worse as it grew bigger. So... this morning we went over the options and how they will proceed with staging the cancer. This involves to at first biopsy and then possible surgically remove it. In all actually, we were told surgically removing it will all depend on the biopsy and staging. I can not receive any further radiation after maxing out the maximum dose that a human can receive when my team of oncologists were trying to resolve a very large ovarian tumor. That fast track, maximum dose of radiation therapy that didn't work has only been 18 months ago. Now... skin cancer?!?

Come on already! Enough really has already been enough. AMEN.

Chemotherapy was brought to my attention as I voiced my opinion with 'far bigger fish to fry' in a slang phase kind of way. Ovarian and other surrounding tumors that as well continue growing. I am already scheduled for a major rescan of the largest ovarian tumor and other smaller tumors in just a mere two days... Thursday. The most recent option of trying to, once again, starve off the tumors with a very risky experimental chemotherapy course of injections for over the next 12 months. I already declined that offer due to far too many irreversible risks. Like... a lethal reaction that was far too high for my liking. So... I am undecided on how to proceed with this new finding. Skin cancer that has been allowed to grow for over the past four months. I take the blame on this one. But honestly who could really blame me for my nonchalant way of thinking. Attempting to doctor myself at home. It didn't work and here I am. More decisions to make and far too many medical odds that continue to stack against me.

I look at the photos of me taken over this weekend while enjoying some holiday baking. I think to myself... like so many others... "I look normal on the outside. How can I be this sick on the inside?"

Like another great David Copperfield illusion of all time!

I did it again. I even fooled myself in the process. That sheer fact is not only disheartening, extremely concerning, but as well... down-right damning.

If you know me well, then you could easily guess what I decided to do for the remainder of the day to keep my mind busy. Another project, redoing my side table tray that I keep next to me while I am sleeping.

Just... breathe...